A
female
age
36-40,
*nhappy2015
writes:Hi there?I was in a very happy relationship for about 4 years, with the men I thought to be my soul mate. Somebody who I deeply believed was in love with me, and wanted to be with me forever. We was supposed to get married this year, and he asked me to give him a child. In August 2014, my life change after my boyfriend decided to bring his 6 year old daughter to live with us, from a different country. I was already pregnant at the time, this little girl, was sent by her mom to make my life miserable, and brake my relationship apart.My boyfriend was aware of his daughter behavior, and the evil things she was doing to me,but he refused to send her back to her mom, or even get her help. It was a constantly fight between us, she will damaged my unborn baby clothes, will invent lies in school or at the babysitter to get me in trouble. She told me, that my daughter was not her sister, and she will never love her. At the point I was scared with all her action, and all she said to me, so I got her out of my house with the fear that she could harm my baby when born.My boyfriend, send her to live with his sister, but things got worse with us, because he was not happy, he constantly fight with me over, that I got her out and he was still with me. On December 13 2014, at 9 months pregnant. with had a big fight, and out of anger I told him leave don;t be so unhappy with me, go with your daughter and leave me. He packed all his stuff and left my house. one week after leaving my house, I found out that He has become addicted to dating, chatting, porn sites. All he does is talk to all this women in the dominican republic, date and night thru whatapp, facebook, tagged etc. He claims to all of them, that he is looking for a serious relationship, and he will be traveling in march to meet. At this point I have a 3 week baby from him, he is not showing that he cares about our baby. He has become a monster, he don't call me, don't want nothing to do with me, He told me to move on, that he is not interesting in having nothing to do with me any longer. THAT HE DON'T LOVE ME! I can digest the situation yet, I can get him out of my mind, I am suffering a lot, nothing that while I want a family with me, and I love him with all my heart and need him. He is giving all his attention and time, to about 15 different girl over the internet... He keep opening differnt profiles in differnet sites to keep with his new adventure. Is just killing me inside, to know how can he stop loving me in less than 1 month?Thanks
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female
reader, Unhappy2015 +, writes (3 February 2015):
Unhappy2015 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks you all for all your answers. I pray god, that I can't take this men out my heart and my head. And just move on, he don't deserve me.He have choosen to keep wasting his time on the internet, good luck to him, I won't keep hurting myself anymore.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): I'm going to address the issues with the six year-old child first. You're a grown-woman, and a six year-old can be pretty smart, manipulative, and very precarious at that age. You described the child as though you were speaking of a psychotic teenager. Seriously?!! She's not the spawn of the devil!
Why don't you just admit you didn't want his child from another woman? You just didn't like her.
Children soon pickup on signals, and know when they're not wanted. They react to it. Very negatively, I might add!
I'm not saying the child didn't have some serious emotional issues; but I'm picking-up a great deal of exaggeration in your description of her. She's only a child. In spite of how badly behaved she may have been. She isn't smarter than you. Just mean and crafty. She had someone older making suggestions and orchestrating what she did. Somebody behind the scenes. Trust me on this! Perhaps her resentful mother, or your man!!! Maybe both! Why didn't he act like a father and help to deal with her? Odd isn't it? Was he oblivious to all this? NO!!! He and his ex dumped her in your lap!
Why would you have a man's baby before sealing the deal with marriage first? Engagement is only a promise. You have no legal-rights as a fiance'; and a man can walk away from a pregnancy as if he had nothing to do with it. Was it wise to let someone decide for you that you should be the mother of his child, before he made you his wife? That should have set-off a lot of alarms about a man who wants to make you pregnant. Yet he doesn't want to give you or his child; his last name, a stable home, financial-support, and legal rights of marriage. Now you have to seek child-support through the legal system. You have no legal rights until you seek them through legal channels.
Spoiler Alert!!! He's leaving the country!!!
He's putting on a big show with all the women and all that nonsense; because he knows you'll stalk him online through social media. He knew that long before he broke-up with you, and was probably carrying on the same online activities throughout your relationship. The guy is a very well-practiced and sophisticated player. He left a child behind in another country. Her mother was only too happy to give her up. Wow! That is really something! I think she decided she wasn't going to be saddled with motherhood; while he went running buck-wild and free, without a care in the world. A new girlfriend on top of it.
That's why he moved on so fast. You live in an imaginary world of your own, and you made that man the center of your universe. You couldn't see the forest for the trees. You were wrapped-up; in-love with being in-love. Now you're awake, and see him for what he really is; and most likely always was. The little girl is just a "mini-me" version of what he is. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!"
He must be handsome, sexy, exotic, and very persuasive?
A real charmer. Right? Dynamite in the sack and the whole bit.
I suspect he is a narcissistic sonaofabitch, as well. He may have been behind the girl's bad behavior; and coaching the child to act-up to get out of the financial-responsibility of supporting two children. He needed a way out. I just find it hard to believe a 6 year-old child can over-throw the household of two full-grown people. Why were you left handling her without any help from him? Didn't he witness all of this, or was he ever around? You left-out some details. I know there is so much more to this story. You've carefully edited some, it's natural to do that when you need empathy and sympathy. Not to be judged. Well my dear, you need judgement to receive workable and effective advice.
Well, all that is behind you. Let child-support authorities deal with him and otherwise start detaching yourself emotionally. You are now officially just his "baby's mama." Nothing else. Sometimes you learn some tough lessons in love.
My dear woman, I was pretty tough in my approach to you. That is how you wake people out of a love-trance. The dream-state that "loving a person more than they're worth" can put you in. Tough-love is what makes us stop and think. Look back through introspection and in retrospect; on our past actions. You must now use your logic to analyze your behavior all that time. Revisit red-flags and bad signs you/we purposely ignore. Ultimately, realize and own the mistakes we've made. Thereby lessening the chances we'll repeat the same behavior and actions that lead you to where you are now. You're psychologically-traumatized and deeply bruised to your soul. So recognizing everywhere it hurts, helps you to effectively treat the areas of pain. Being older, experienced, and sympathetic...trust me, I'm more than guessing!
Well, now you are a "single-mom." Kicking him out was a sign of your inner-strength. Don't regret that! His behavior at the present is what he was able to easily hide while you were on cloud-nine, and too busy worshiping the ground he walked on. I am sorry that all the good things you had hoped for, came down to this. The good news is, all is not lost! You're lucky to find-out what he really is, before you foolishly married him. If that ever was going to happen! You're beginning a new chapter in your life. Your plans to have a family came differently than expected; but you may be raising a future president, astronaut, medical scientist, or someone the world needs for our future. S/he had to be born, as part of a bigger plan.
Focus on you and your baby, and be sure to be checked by your doctor for postpartum depression. You're dealing with some pretty heavy emotions and hormones right now; and your health is the most important thing.
I'm not judging you. Just telling you like it is, to help you regain your strength; and to see things for what they are. It's painful discovering the darkest side of someone you love. Someone who is deliberately hurting you. That is a tough ordeal. I've personally experienced such things, and I've witnessed it happening to people who are dear to me. So, it's nothing I'm just judging from a distance. I've been through the actual pain. I know the grief of loss, and the three D's: disenchantment, disillusionment, and disappointment.
You will survive. You just need time to let all this process; then your survival and maternal-instincts will kick-in. A world of sh*t has hit the fan, and you're so overwhelmed. You need a long warm hug. Seek comfort in every way you can. Don't struggle alone. Go to your parents, siblings, grand-parents; and seek worship and prayer if you are a spiritual person. Most of all, look into the sweet innocent face of your new baby. That tiny little creature now depends on you and your strength as a woman. You have miraculously produced a new life. You've got it in you to survive all this. You just need some time. Stop stalking and following-up on his online activities. He knows you're watching; so he's living-it-up to stress you out. He's using psychological-manipulation and emotional-abuse to crush you and break your spirit. You're now fully aware of this, so see it for what it is. He's kicking you while you're down. Don't let him see you sweat.
Put on a fake smile, let him know; he can't take more than you gave him. In fact, that's all he gets. You'll recharge and refill; and find someone better and more deserving. He's just one bad-experience and hard-lesson learned in your journey through a life-time. Listen to the loud sound of a toilet flushing! Swussssh! He's circling the bowl, and down he goes!
He's really miserable, thus the huge performance. It's purely for toxic reasons; so get no notion in your head he's hurting for you. He's hurting from your rejection, and that you caught-on to him. He thought you were pretty dumb. He's feeling shock! Narcissistic men flip-out when their narcissistic-supply is cut-off. They are frantic at the control-panel; trying to find the right button to push to get that control back. It's not you he wants. He misses your worship. He's a fallen idol. You've seen his dark-side.
I was tough in my words to you; so you'll snap out of that haze and see things more clearly. In order to put all of this stuff into perspective, you have to see it from all sides. You also have to own responsibility for your choices.
You're not 100% victim. You do have some power in all this.
I know first reading my advice, you felt like I am being harsh and judgmental. Not at all. I see that you were so deeply in-love, you didn't see this man for what he is. Once your mind and subconscious analyzes the reality of things, you see things more clearly; then the healing begins. You'll see he isn't the one with all the power.
What you see now is his "how dare you reject me" response.
His reflex-reaction is to show you he can get any woman he wants to replace you. That's where your power is. Tap into it. You don't need him anymore! He can have the others, not you! Just get the child-support money coming, and hopefully he'll show love for the child. You don't need it. Go find someone better. Too soon to realize all this. I'm planting the seed of wisdom. Coming here was part of the greater plan. We'll give you a push!
Keep us updated on your journey and recovery. In spite of saying some tough things, I seriously do care about your feelings and understand what you're going through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): We're in a similar situation. Only I didn't get pregnant. It happened that way bc he never truly unconditionally loved you. He never truly wanted to marry you. Honestly he wanted to trap you with him and have you love him and need him. He wanted to make sure you go nowhere, which is why you have his kid. Im really sorry you met this jerk, im even more sorry that he left you with the child along. Be strong. When all the women turn their back on him, do not open up your doors to him. If he did this once he will do it again. Let him go. You will feel hurt pain and sadness for a while but you will get beyond it. You need to be strong for your child. Be the best mother you can be bc you love your child and wants to be a mother. Do not take anger out on child. Please forgive this man and never let him close to your heart again. P.S. help is out there if you need it. Just keep your head up and keep looking. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 February 2015):
 Some people can only love when there is no stress and responsibilities in the relationship. Think of how he left his family when the daughter was only two. Now he feels history is repeating when your child is barely 3 weeks old. His daughter sounds like a bad omen sent to your life but perhaps she is not treated well by her mom or possible step dad? Instead of going to family therapy, your boyfriend's solution to all this is to disappear into a sea of latino women who don't know him and his situation at all. I don't doubt you are a loveable person but sadly love sometimes does not equate having high adversity quotient. He has issues and will be bringing them to any woman he meets, like a hurricane. He was the same person you met him and he just revealed his true colors to you. He can abandon his babies but in the future guilt will always come back to haunt him. He is not living in reality.
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