A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, not sure if this is the right place to ask for advice but I'm stuck for anywhere else to turn. Basically, whilst I was at university I was raped and ended up developing PTSD, which combined with the long court battle impacted on my degree and I got a 2.2. I am smart and could easily have got a 2.1 or a first, in my A-levels I got AAA. The problem is that without knowing my story, employers just see those grades and assume I am either lazy because I can't exactly explain why. As a result of my poor degree qualification, I cannot get a job despite trying my utmost every single day. And the longer I'm out of work trying to find employment, the harder it is to get a job because I have a huge (and growing) gap on my CV. My parents are so resentful and disappointed in me, and I think even my boyfriend wants to leave me. I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to give me a chance, or even an interview. I am so depressed that I can't get a job, I was so excited before going to university thinking the world would be my oyster one day. All I want is to support myself and be successful and happy. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone please have any advice for someone in my situation? I feel so lost. Thank you xx
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 February 2015):
 anon has a great deal of info to process. she may have "been there" so pay attention to her reply.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): All universities must take into account any extenuating circumstances when deciding final grades. However, they cannot do this unless they are notified well in advance and the onus is on you to begin this process. This is a different process to appealing (for example to be re-admitted to the next year of a programme after failing the previous year). If it was impossible for you to apply for your extenuating circumstances to be taken into account at the time that you were still on the course then there is a possibility that you could still argue for your grades to be reviewed. The difficulty you'd face is in proving that you were being affected by PTSD to the extent that your grades suffered BUT you were still well enough to attend university and engage in the programme. You'd need a letter from a doctor or counsellor and/or lawyer who supported you at that time. If you are having counselling now, a current counsellors letter might help. Make enquiries about this immediately with your university.Quite often students do not do well at one level of education (for whatever reason) but go on to excel at a higher level. There will be a masters programme willing to take you even with a 2:2, but raising the fees may be difficult. Part-time study at Master's level makes the fees a lot more manageable and many students combine part-time work with part-time study.Voluntary work is the best way to fill a gap in your CV. In regard to your parents' and boyfriend's attitude - if they are aware of what you went through, then they have no right to be treating you like a failure - which doesn't mean that they won't, just that it's not morally correct. You sound like you need counselling to help you to come to terms with their lack of support and to help you to overcome what happened so that you can gain a sense of your own future. The same applies to your boyfriend - if he can't support you then reconsider your relationship but get counselling. You are blaming yourself for everything and putting yourself down and this can be one of the longer term effects of rape.Maybe this will be appropriate, maybe not - but you could consider doing voluntary work to help women who have had similar experiences and/or do charity work to raise awareness of the effects of rape on women. It's still an issue that is not dealt with in the best way - by police and the legal system - and this means that families and partners remain unsure of how to support victims of rape. The fact that it's affected your grades and your future is not an indication that you are at fault, but that society itself has a larger problem in supporting women who experience this - so maybe you would benefit from making it your goal to improve the situation for all women, even a little bit. It would certainly look good on your CV and it would be a good way to raise the issue, with future employers, about why you got a low grade.When you blame yourself for something like this and feel that you can't turn to anyone, always try to see that this is what women tend to do when the social and political resources have not been put in place to help them properly. It's because rape - and women - have been underrepresented by society that victims start to feel isolated and hopeless. The fact that you feel like this actually indexes a bigger flaw in society, not something that you did wrong.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (2 February 2015):
Dear OP,
Do your parents and your boyfriend know what happened to you?
Because if they do, I can't imagine they'd be so disappointed, unless they're totally heartless and insensitive.
To be raped is a horrible trauma and if you can, you should get psychotherapy for it. In the meantime, you can also read self-help books about healing trauma (I haven't read any of them, so I can't give you specific recommendations, but check out there are plenty of books on amazon). I know, the best book doesn't replace therapy, but it's a start.
Look, this for sure must be a very, very difficult time in your life. You can recover from this, but it takes time. Maybe you can slightly change the way in which you look at things:
1) Aknowledge that even under horrible conditions, you managed to graduate from university. Many others would have failed. Or have the same grades without PTSD and without being lazy.
2) Be proud for going to court and fighting for justice. I don't know if you won the trial, but either way, you stood up for yourself.
3) Please separate what a possible employer might think of you, from what you should think of yourself. Your grades and your success aren't the only thing that gives you value. Just because economy is kind of down and people are getting judged superficially, you don't have to apply the same vision.
4) Keep applying for jobs, but don't take a "no" personally. They don't say "no" to you as a person. They don't know you. All that matters is to get one yes, no matter if 100s said no.
5) What happened to you is totally unfair. Don't ever blame yourself for what happened. Instead of causing yourself even more pain, take good care of you. Do everything you can in order to heal. Don't let others put you down, don't think negative things of yourself.
Also, I like the advice about re-taking your exam or adding other qualifications.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): OP I can't imagine the trauma you've been through and the emotional scars you have. But I can sympathise with your situation. I too got 4 As for A levels and a 2.2 at uni. So I know all about great expectations that come crumbling down. My advice is to really think about what you enjoy doing and what you are good at. Start networking by attending relevant conferences and classes to differentiate yourself from other candidates who may have a 2.1 but not much commercial awareness or current affairs awareness. Apply to all the positions that you are interested and do not close your own doors by not even trying. Practice interviewing with an interview coach. Work with the CV you have and maximise your own chances. OP I've had several graduate job offers since gradiating a couple of years ago even with my 2.2. So your situation is not dire. Just keep applying and make sure your applications are perfect, with no grammar mistakes, with a coherent structure (STAR) and concrete examples. Start volunteering or start a business or a blog or SOMETHING related to your studies today. Promote it and hash tag the relevant companies on twitter etc. You never know how you will land your next interview. You've been through hell and survived so you are strong. You just need to say 'f*ck it I have nothing to lose' and keep going.You should watch JK Rowling's commencement speech about 'failure'. It will help you see your situation in a new light. OP, I got a fantastic job offer in an investment bank but turned it down because that's not exactly what I wanted to do. But this goes to show you that it is posSible to still have the world as your oyster. I leave you with 4 things. Do not give up or close your own doors with negativity. Think outside the box in your job hunt.Keep pursuing activities that demonstrate your interest in the subject ( outstanding commercial awareness and good soft skills often trump the uni grade)Finally, get a Job. Any job even minimum wage or volunteering. whatever it is it will build your CV and your self esteem.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2015): I am not familiar with psychology but reading your post I am sorry to say that you are creating your obstacles by imagining things.You are lucky that you hold a university degree which many don't have but still manage to find work.Sometimes a high university degree can be a hindrance to find a suitable work and many with masters and doctorate degrees are obliged to take up jobs that are far below their qualifications. It is called underemployment. In my opinion you can be your own best doctor and try to overcome these obstacles by being more positive in your thinking, give encouragement to yourself, persevere,set targets, be strong, take care of your looks, dress well,remember the good moments and forget the bad ones,socialize and interact with others. finally if necessary seek medical help.Remember you are not alone. there are millions of people in situations much worse than yours.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (2 February 2015):
 I'm in a similar position, just a different reason for the PTSD.
All I can say is that, while looking for a paid job, voluntary work fills that gap on your CV and gives you a feeling of pride and purpose :)
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (2 February 2015):
 Surely your parents and boyfriend understand and are there to support you? Their love for you should not be conditional upon academic and career success.
Do they really feel like this, or is your own huge disappointment making you think this is how they also feel?
Is there any way that you can re-take your final year to improve your grade? Or could you take a masters as that is a higher level qualification which might trump your degree grade?
There are LOTS of people who are disappointed and depressed about their careers after leaving uni, so you're not alone, alright. There's more to life than a high-flying career, believe me.
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