A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I have a friend who is 19 and she has a bf who is 22 years old. They have been together for 5 years, but this 5 years of relationship was unhealthy. She broke up and patched backed so many times. They often quarrel and once she told me he have slapped her. She herself admits her relationship is unhealthy and don't have the qualities of a healthy relationship. She admits he is very possessive and controls her and whenever she wants to break up, her bf won't leave her and sometimes when she doesn't reply to his text messages and calls, he comes stalking her near where she stays and that scares her. She had given him so many chances thinking he might change but he still remains very possessive. Many of her friends have advised her that he is possessive and you've given so many chances but he still remains the same. Even I have told her possessiveness is not love. It's hard for to leave him too because it hurts her badly. She has being hurt many times by him in this relationship. I'm scared this relationship could turn worse. Everyone is worried about her because he still remains possessesive for so many years of this relationship. Is there anyway she could end this ordeal??
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2010): There is not a lot that you can do until she decides to leave him, other than be there for her to talk to and offer your support. If she is receptive to it then you can provide her with information that might make it easier to see what is going on and that she has options. Telling her to leave is unlikely to help, it is about her realizing it and acting on it for herself.
If he is very controlling she may be afraid and not stand up to him because it makes his behavior worse. But you can talk to her in an open way about the things that he does and whether he is ever going to change. That might help her to see that she has to opt out because the relationship works for him at her expense and is not going to improve.
If she does want to break up with him, she may need help doing it safely. In that case you can help her by providing information and support on how to deal with his stalking, but you still can't do it for her.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 June 2010):
Bottom line is, unless she does it herself, this is her life. The best thing you can do is get on with your own. Don't waste your life running around after someone who won't help themselves. It's a waste of your time. She won't leave and no one can make her.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 June 2010):
 Sometimes the mind works the opposite way. The more you tell her don't do this, the more she justifies why she's still with him. This happens all the time at dearcupid. People had heard the obvious advice many times but their stubborn mind takes over. You have to tell her that abusive people are never going to change. Show her websites of personality disorders, narcissitic personality, borderline, or bi-polar. They remain that way for the rest of their lives and some of them only calm down a little bit after their 50s. If you and all her friends can get in happy relationships, brag about your partners all the time, that would act as a stimulus for her to leave him and to seek happiness herself.
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