A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 33 year old woman and I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months. She has said to me on more than one occasion that she loves me and she can see a future with me. However: she blows hot and cold with me. There have been at least *four* instances where she just suddenly starts being *much* less communicative for a period of about a week.My last relationship before her ended when the girl gradually cut communication with me down to nothing over a period of about six weeks and then dumped me, so I think that knowing this story she could be a little more sensitive about displaying the same behaviour.However, I now regret telling her the story because if I complain about her behaviour in ignoring me she says it's only upsetting to me because I'm still not over my ex (I am, but I don't like behaviour that reminds me of a very bad time in my life).I don't think this has much to do with my ex. I think that anyone would be bothered by a girl who one minute says "I love you, you're my soulmate" and the next can't even be bothered to text more than "OK." or "fine".I've said "I love you" to her on three separate occasions this week and she hasn't said it back. In fact, she hasn't said more than "ok", "fine", and "night".I would normally think this kind of behaviour meant I was going to get dumped, but in this relationship it doesn't! In fact when I pointed out to her that this was pretty standard pre-dumping behaviour and didn't make me feel secure, she got mad at me and made it all about my ex again.She was very silent with me once and then suddenly texted "we need to talk" and of course, what do you think when someone says that? Turns out it was nothing. But again she got mad and made it all about my "issues" that I could possibly think "we need to talk, and it must be in person, and I'm not willing to text or phone this" could possibly be bad.I think it's time for me to bail on this as obviously she has issues that I can't fix, but I just wanted a completely objective opinion. My friends and family are telling me to cut her loose, but I wanted the opinions of people who are hearing the story without any emotional connection to me.She's also not "out" as being gay to anyone. Even her best friend. I am out. She told me once at the start of the relationship that she was thinking about ending us before we'd even begun because of this. Which, again, didn't exactly make me feel secure. A;so, when problems come up she goes quiet and speaks very ambiguously about the future (and whether I will be in it for her) which doesn't make me feel secure either.I just don't see how she can do all the things that make someone (and would make a lot of people, regardless of what she thinks about me and my ex) feel insecure and then get mad at me for feeling insecure. It's frustrating! Opinions, please :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Hey, I'm the original poster.
lostnoutofcontrol, I can see again when I re-read my question where you might think I came on too strong. I don't really think it's the case -- okay, so I have said "I love you" to her three times this week, but when she's on the "hot" phase of her "hot and cold" actions she says it to me all the time -- like literally every five minutes! :) So, I'm not coming on any stronger than she set the bar for the relationship. Sorry for the confusion! However, I am gonna lay off the "I love you"-s for a bit, thanks for bringing that to my attention.
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