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How Can one forgive BETRAYAL of someone you love, cheating and now the the woman is pregnant?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 September 2016) 11 Answers - (Newest, 29 September 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, *ariedenise23 writes:

I met the man of my dreams, my best friend over a year ago. we live together and his kids come over every other weekend " I Love Them".

we went on vacation 5- months ago and I saw a girl kept calling?

I asked who is she then my life forever changed. He had been seeing her off and on and she says she is pregnant with his kid or her boyfriends. Yes that's right she was a cheater also.

He told me he loves me and made a mistake he doesn't see a future with her only with me. I never saw this coming, we had a great relationship I mean I thought we did.

I spent couple moths working through my anger and realized LOVE isn't only given in good times but also in the bad.

I am trying to move past it. she is now 7-months pregnant and contacted me on social media to tell me she is pregnant with his child.

I should also say I miscarried our twins in may I was 6 1/2 weeks and she was 8 weeks at that time.

I lost my babies they said maybe due to stress. I want it to work but how do you move past the lies??. We have stayed living together, he comes home every night and I know he doesn't see her and she has gone through her pregnancy alone..

I could welcome his child in our home if it is his because I love him and at the end of the day it is not the babys fault. How can u learn to trust again.. I have forgiven but can u forget?.

I am just sad at times that she gets to have the baby and I lost ours

:(

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (29 September 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI'm sorry for your loss, but he can't be trusted. Not only was he disrespectful enough to cheat on you, but he was reckless enough to not use sufficient contraception and STD preventatives.

Ultimately, it's your choice, but I don't think you should forgive this man. He's only been in your life for a short time and has caused chaos on your mind and body. This will never be a healthy relationship. I'm sorry, OP.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (28 September 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI am sorry for your loss. What strikes me is the doctors tell you it could be down to stress and still you forgive this pig? He is possibly the reason you lost your precious angels and still you stay with him? Am sorry honey but he is going to keep treating you like this because you have let him. Sure he way have stopped seeing this woman and now she is dealing with the pregnancy alone, but he is a cheat and there will be others. You will never trust him again. You may have forgiven him but this will haunt you forever. You need to be strong and brave and end things with him. In the long run you will be much happier.

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (27 September 2016):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntI felt so sad reading your past and I am sorry for your loss. The way you described your boyfriend clashes with his actions. Having this affair, getting two women pregnant at the same time, that's scary and tells me that he is not responsible and selfish. One year into a relationship and there's cheating already? That's a huge red flag...

Now, marriage vows do say "for good times and bad times, for better or worse" but this does NOT constitute cheating. In my personal opinion, this covers things like: financial debt, illness, etc. And even then, people are within their rights to leave a situation they cannot handle.

You have a great heart and yes, the child your boyfriend fathered (if he did father it) is blameless. But that does not mean that you owe it anything. This is not something you will ever be able to forget and seeing that child will be a constant reminder that your boyfriend was unfaithful. Now, if this had a one-night stand, a single mistake, I'd be more inclined to say that perhaps there is room for change. However, he carried a full-blown affair right in front of you. This isn't your fault at all. You did the very best you could do and even accepted his other children with open arms. But, if you continue this, I only see more heartache and stress. Next time, he won't just be bringing you another woman's child, it might be an STD, it might be HIV.

Remember that life offers more than just one chance...You deserve more than this man could ever give you. Go ahead and forgive for your own peace of mind. But, move on before its too late and find happiness elsewhere.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016):

Unfortunately it all depends upon what YOU can handle. This is about being honest with yourself. Someone can be with the person for 12 years, married for 5, but in the end does not want to compete for their partners love again after finding out that the partner had an emotional affair because of depression?! Imagine, 12 years of loyalty, friendship and love tossed because the trust was gone for that single mistake.

Whereas you have only been with him for a year. Are YOU willing to make the extra effort to REALLY accept him? Do you know him well enough that he is worth fighting for? Ask him WHY he was able to forget how it would hurt you by being with the other girl. Will HIS issues change? Let him earn your trust again and you must be willing to let it go for a real relationship to work. Not all relationships are easy but it is easier when there is trust, respect and love in each other.

And dont waste your life if you think he is not worth it. Someone better will come along or maybe you're better of being alone. That's how divorced people can be happy. They'd rather be out of a relationship than be with someone who will make them feel miserable or doubt about their own worth because the relationship wasn't the right one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016):

Once a dog always a dog.If you get married you know your work check can be garnished to support his child? Why oh why put yourself through that you know in your heart he will do it again.How many of his kids are you gonna support?By the way since you now know for a fact he did not use protection get tested it could be the difference between life and death with HIV out there.Dump his sorry butt.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (27 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntYou really should look up Matthew Hussey on YouTube, he makes SO MUCH common sense it's refreshing.

Start with this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCdFzjEuQrY

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (27 September 2016):

Ivyblue agony aunt 2 things that you mention would make it impossible for me to ever forgive and forget : I lost my babies they said maybe due to stress.I am just sad at times that she gets to have the baby and I lost ours. There are plenty of opportunities to see someone and have them think otherwise, that must ring true because it was one of these times he got her pregnant so I think it would be naive to think they have not been in contact at some point. Welcoming his child into your relationship what the heck? That will be a groundhog day kick in the guts. Your a year into what started out as a deceptive cheating relationship don't be foolish to stay another day in hope that things are going to get any better. They wont, the chick he knocked up will see to that.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States +, writes (27 September 2016):

Honeypie agony auntMaybe you can forgive this and maybe he can show you he is worth trusting again down the line. My guess is no though.

You have been together little over a year... and in that year he knocked someone else up, so not ONLY did he have unprotected sex with someone who WASN'T his partner (you) he also cheated on you barely 4 -5 months into the relationship. If he can get "tempted" so easy while he SHOULD be in the honeymoon phase with you, what dso you think will happen when you two are more "established" as a couple?

And then there is the lying. When you asked who the girl was, he LIED straight to your face. YOU didn't know about HIM being the possible father till SHE told you.

So you have a guy who is lying and cheating... What a catch! (that was sarcasm by the way).

And you wonder WHY you don't/can't trust him? Really?

IT IS NOT your job to blindly trust someone who has PROVEN unworthy of your trust. IT IS HIS job to SHOW you that after all he has done that has been detrimental to the relationship, he can be trusted in time.. is he doing that? Or he is just expecting you to suck it up and trust him?

How can he be the PERFECT guy for you? Do you really have THAT low expectations?

All I can say is this, you NEED to take those rose tinted glasses off and realize that you don't have some great and noble guy. You got a guy who has lied to you, cheated on you and who's income will be greatly diminished for YET another child. Harsh? To bring up the fact that he will now OWE child maintenance for another kid? Well, when it comes time to buy a house or go on vacations etc... his FIRST priority when it comes to money..... is to PAY to raise these kids he has produced.

I think you are:

1. wasting your time, emotions and energy on a guy who WILL do this again (maybe he will be smart enough to buy condoms next time, but I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated again - wouldn't be surprised if he has in the past as well)

2. Settling. Because you feel you are at an age where you don't have time to find a better man, you will settle for this guy. Now he may have great qualities, being faithful and truthful aren't either of those.

3. Setting yourself up for more heartache. The fact that he CHEATED so easily on you, should show you what kind of guy he is.

4. While I like that you don't resent the coming baby, that baby WILL be a constant reminder of the one YOU lost. So you will be taking care on/off of 3!! of his KIDS and none of your own. And while you do that... you clock is ticking.

Is that REALLY the future you want?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (27 September 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Maybe you can, but the real question is, should you ? and why ?

Love does NOT conquer everything , and does not justify everything, for instance does not justify letting people take grossly advantage of you and making a total fool of you.

You have been together one year and this other lady is 7 months pregnant ? And unless she got pregnant the first time, they must have been already messing around a little while. That would very possibly mean that after 2 or 3 months top of being with you,... he was already cheating on you. Short attention span !,- and low level of interest, if you ask me.

I can understand a " mistake " after a few years ...you love the person, but we are human ... the routine, the drudgery, bills to pay, sex is not new and exciting as at first... you should not yield to temptation but you do.

But, after 3 months together ? wHat's there to be tempted !? Supposedly you are in the height of passion, and in the full bloom of honeymoon ; if you just like , not even " love " , the one you are with, staying faithful is a non-issue.

You really have to rethiink his level of committment and of emotional investement. Saying " I love you " is so damn easy, at least for some people. You can't believe their love based on words alone.

Another thing you may want to think about, if you did not already, is that this guy , obviously was cheating on you - without using protection. How considerate of him. Never thought for a sec of, maybe, protecting your health against STDs, if he just could not keep it in his pants. How lovely .

Forgiveness is a great thing, but some times you really have to forgive them...from a safe distance.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016):

My goodness, this man is making babies all over the place. Please lower the soap-opera drama in your life. Come to your senses.

Oh how very noble to believe you stick by someone not just during the good times, but the bad. It depends on how bad the bad times are, my dear. This man has delivered nothing but drama to your door, and his cheating was deliberate. She's alone and you welcome her baby? Really?

It is likely she doesn't respect you, and was screwing your man behind your back. He can't care so much about you by having unprotected sex with someone who also has a boyfriend. Whom she is no doubt having unprotected sex with as well. Raising your risk of infection with STD's or HIV.

Come down out of the clouds, and review this with logic and common-sense. You're a mature woman and you're settling for this nonsense; because you're in your 40's. My experience and wisdom has seen far too many women in your age-group settling for the worst of men; because they fear being alone. They hate aging while single. They'll forgive men for running with the devil, and dragging home a piece of hell. Just to have a man.

Lovely you can move past it, but I don't think it's a wise move; because she will be a thorn in your side. If the child is in fact his. She at some point believed he cares for her, maybe she still does. She could also be right about it.

Hope he makes a healthy income, he's got another kid to support. She's now a permanent fixture in his life, if that's his child. He'll have to spend extra time with her to bond with the baby. So you're good with that? I doubt she'll welcome you hanging around the whole time. Judging her and repressing your resentment.

Reality will soon set in, once you've gone through the whole nine yards.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2016):

You cannot ever trust him again.

Nor does he deserve your trust.

He said he loves you and it was a mistake because he got caught. And like all cheaters, he does not want to lose his girlfriend because she is secure and comfortable. But he also does not want to lose his excitement on the side. And trust me, he will not stop seeing her. And even if he did by some miracle, there would always be another woman to take her place.

You would spend the rest of your life worrying about what he is doing. And worry takes a toll on your mental and physical health. It literally drives you mad. And screws up your body in ways you never imagined.

He destroyed you by cheating on you with another woman. There is nothing worse. He knew he was hurting you but he chose his own selfish needs over your feelings. That says all you need to know about his character. The type of a man he is. He is not a good man. If he really did love you, he would never want to hurt you. He would never do anything that would put him in a position to hurt you. He would not be able to stand hurting you if he loved you.

Better to leave now than to allow these trust issues to eat you alive.

You will forever question his whereabouts, his word, his actions, everything he does and says. Don't do that to yourself. You become a shell of the person you once were. Paranoid. Worried. Sad. Low self esteem. Anxious. Stressed. Over emotional. Unhappy. Unfulfilled.

The damage is done.

Let him go.

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