A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Not really sure where else to discuss this.I've been married for 4 years and my husband and I both want children.Not our own, but adopting a child. I didn't want the medical issues that came with pregnancy (my mum told me that giving birth to me was difficult and she could have no more kids after me; it's just me and my older sister and I don't want to go through that) and adopting a kid seems like an easier solution since no medical procedures are required, although more difficult too.We both want to adopt a baby; that's certain.However, we can't agree on what's best; my husband wants to adopt a child from the U.S. while I'm thinking about children over here. It's caused hours of arguments between us.This is one of the biggest tests our relationship has faced.But he's insistent adopting an American baby would be best, he can't really explain why, other than factors that probably don't come into it ("it's a holiday too", as one argument he gave) and I'm wondering wouldn't it be impossible on a tourist visa, even when travel restarts?I don't know how to resolve this... we're pretty close as a couple and we have similar opinions on things, finances we mostly agree on as 51%/49% and we're mostly congruent on financial things, but children, well, this is more of a problem.I can't see any major advantages of having an American baby and my husband can't seem to give reasonable arguments for it.We're both freelancers so I could theoretically take maternity leave for it. Our jobs couldn't be done from home or over Zoom anyway (my husband works as a delivery driver of heavy goods and sensitive chemicals or corrosive chemicals on a freelance basis and I work as a marketing executive - actually involved in location shoots and doing research for companies on things like advert filming, sourcing vintage clothes etc. and hiring vehicles for firms, but don't work for any one firm in particular.The fact they're not my biological child doesn't affect me, as long as they see me as their mum and my husband as their dad, it shouldn't matter, should it?My husband claims "Well, adopting an American baby is better than going to a poor country and virtue-signalling... that's what some people would see us as."I don't think he's thought the realities through, never mind getting a visa for this. We're OK for getting a visa, no criminal convictions etc. but I think my husband is so blindsided by this.I'm trying to communicate with him that I'm uncertain over this and have listened, but he can't seem to see my side of the argument.He told me that we've got to start the ball rolling when travel bans are no longer in force and we can visit the USA, and he wants to start researching adoption agencies.This is undoubtedly the biggest argument we've had (rather than cheating/jealousy we've had silly arguments over things), and it's hit our sex life; he won't have sex with me and is obsessive over adoption. I miss the emotional closeness sex gives us.We both knew when we got married we wanted kids(adoption not biological) but getting there is the hardest part.What would be the actual advantages and disadvantages of us, a British couple adopting a baby from the USA? Google-ing didn't find much.This has caused so much friction, and it's gone on for six weeks now.I'm worried about the whole thing, as we both want this, but he won't compromise, and I'm not sure what's a reasonable compromise.But on other issues... well, we can discuss and get on well easier, I guess some aren't as emotive as adoption.I think my husband's ethnic background may play into it, he's of Italian descent (got an Italian surname - one of those de or Di ones), and has some Mediterranean emotion as well as Scottish argumentativeness (he's Italian-Scottish); we're married but because I never changed surname some people think we're not. I, on the other hand, am English (well... Chinese British and grew up in a very Westernized British-Chinese family, I was born here) and I think culture's come into play due to clashing ethnic backgrounds culturally.I really need advice on the whole thing as this isn't something we can just discuss with friends over Zoom, it's very personal and a worrying thing for me, and for both of us, it's causing concern.How do we ever get past the big argument and actually find common ground on the issue of adoption when we know we both want to adopt a child, is the basic question here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2021): I have a great idea!Why don't you become a foster parent?? I know you want to adopt an American baby but chances are nil on that unless you are super rich or know a pregnant woman who will sign over her baby to you.My niece became a foster parent to two toddlers.She adopted them.She never planned this it just kind of happenend.She is a great single mother.There are so many kids out there who need a good home with loveing parents...why not consider a toddler or young child?They need parents too and people always want the baby and these poor kids and up with no parents.Think of the difference of life you can give to a foster or older child.Open your mind.
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (5 April 2021):
It sounds like you need to do a hell of a lot more homework!
To adopt a child in the UK (whether domestically or from overseas) the whole process is overseen and approved by your local authority) Any agency you use MUST be a registered partner with your local city or county council. An adoption would be considered illegal otherwise.
So your first port of call will be your local authority to find out who their adoptions partners are. This will be on their website (under the section "fostering and adoptions")
Now there are only about 3 agencies in the UK which facilitate inter-country adoptions and the main one is "IAC - the Centre for Adoption" Their website should list all the local authorities they are partnered with.
https://www.icacentre.org.uk/
The other two I know of are Adoption Matters and Adoption Northwest.
Then you will need to find out whether any of these adoption facilitation agencies I've mentioned have partner agencies in the USA in order to be able to adopt an American child. You can't just approach a US based agency if you are British Citizen resident in the UK.
So start the ball rolling now to gather information and make contact with your local authority. You don't have to wait until lock-down is over. You will need several meetings with social workers etc etc even before a home-study is done and all these things can be done over Zoom/Skype. Covid has slowed the adoption process but it hasn't stopped it.
Perhaps your husband doesn't realise how expensive inter-country adoption is. Expect to have to raise at least £20,000 for an adoption from an EU country and more from a non-European country.
Domestic adoption in the UK however will only set you back about £200 because you don't have to pay any agency fees for domestic adoption (your local authority pays them if you choose to use an agency). You will only have to pay court costs and for a new birth certificate if you want one (that's optional) and any associated travel costs.
Or perhaps your husband is adamant on adopting from the USA because he wants a baby (rather than a toddler). And it seems that the USA is one of the few countries in the world where you can still adopt a newborn baby because abortion is so unpopular. In the UK, people don't seem to feel the need to give up their child at birth because we have such a good benefits and health care system. Most children who come up for adoption will have been removed from their parents care and, even if this process is started at birth, the baby is usually at least 9 months old before being settled with a "forever family". Unless you choose to go through the "Foster to Adopt Route" which has it's own challenges which I won't go into here.
But the most important point here is to make contact with your local authority first - you CANNOT adopt without their approval.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2021):
 Maybe you two should start by looking at an adoption agency first? To see if you qualify?
Then see what they have to "offer" as far as where kids come from.
Personally, I don't think the "WHERE" they are from is the tip priority (or rather it wouldn't be for me) but finding a healthy child that NEEDS a family.
I don't know what steps are needed to adopt but I suggest you two start there. So do some googling, find some forums that talk about HOW to adopt and what you EXPECT when adopting.
Also if you can't even agree or find common ground on WHERE from to adopt, how do you think RAISING a child will be?!
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