A
male
age
41-50,
*aws82
writes:Dear Cupid,How can my girlfriend say she loves me, when I feel like I am her enemy most of the time?....I am a 27 year old international student from Norway currently studying and living in Australia. I have been seeing my girlfriend, who is Australian, for a little over a year now. We met in a club and instantly hit it off. What was supposed to be a night of fun kicks turned into a relationship. However, I must say that I think I was definitely the one that pushed and fought for her love. She is my age, and had been in a 8 year long relationship since 16 with her ex, who ended up cheating on her and royally screwed her over emotionally. So, throughout the first 6-8 months I have been trying to gain her trust and rebuild her ability to love again. In short, we have come a long way and she eventually dropped the "L" word, and now at 1 year and 4 months she says it daily. My concern is, that ever since we started getting close, she has begun to snap at me whenever I voice an opinion (about anything, TV commercials etc, anything really) and generally doesn't talk much to me when we are alone. I consider myself a romantic person, and have always been considerate of her past, given her heaps of space, and also an abundance of attention and affection, as I do truly love her and want to one day marry her. Over time this has severely affected my self esteem and I have begun to mumble in everyday conversations with her and in general, as I feel no matter what I say, she will disagree or just show general disinterest. Strangely enough, whenever she is around other males (friends etc) she will be very congeal and debate with them, listening to their words, and do so with a laugh and smile. I've read that this can psychologically be caused by something known as "transference" where one partner who has been abused emotionally or heart broken, will in future relationships channel negative "baggage" and memories of their exes onto their new partners. Do you have any advice about this? The second concern I have is that she tells all her friends that I am such a great partner, but she never shows me affection, kisses me (except for short pecks, but we have never really made out), caresses me, touches me, and our sex life leaves me feeling like a failure because she will never engage me. I end up pleasing her, to the point of orgasm (which she has said she has reached several times in her past), but then she will pull away and not let go. This will generally end our session, and most of the time I am left untouched so to speak. It is not that I want to come, or am thinking of myself, but I find it very hurtful whenever I see other couples in public showing affection and kissing etc. She reapeatadly says she loves me and that Im the best thing thats ever happened to her, but then why does she treat me so badly and not show affection?Sorry for the long rant, but I would greatly appreciate any feedback as there's more that I would like to ask as well. Thanks for any advice as well in advance.Jaws82 [Mod note: Title written by poster couldn't be used as it was already used by another question: "Is there something wrong with me?"]
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her ex, her past, kissing, orgasm, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): I have the same thing with my girlfriend. She is not affectionate, she always has an excuse. I am the one that always makes the attempt to kiss her her, touch her, hug her. She never says anything romantic. Whats up with that? Its a terrible feeling!!
A
female
reader, scythe +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Oh boy, the baby sure complicates things!
I'm a bit of a romantic at heart too, so my gut reaction (even before I read about her pregnancy) was to stay with her and WORK on you're relationship. I can see that you are putting in heaps of work but she isn't. As a poster below mentioned, we don't know WHY she is doing this (although I can appreciate you trying to search for a reason). I'm not sure what your communication used to be like, but the first step I would take is to gently and humbly talk to her about your low self esteem as a result of her emotional coldness.
As much as this is her fault, try and phrase things as un-confrontational as possible (ie: don't directly blame her, as the natural reaction to blame is defensiveness). Even if you approach her as gently as possible she may still react negatively due to her hormones.
Either way, I think you need to find a way to share how you feel with her, and let her know that you want to work towards becoming closer.
Keep us posted!
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A
male
reader, Jaws82 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Jaws82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies so far ladies. Believe me, there have been many times earlier in our relationship when I seriously considered letting her go, but I always felt there was something worth fighting for and building on, so I gave her more time and more comfort. There has however been a major change in our relationship of late. We found out just after our 1 year anniversary that she was pregnant. Shes now 14 weeks pregnant and don't get me wrong we are doing better. I have probably never felt happier about becoming a father. I do truly and deeply love her. It's just that now, especially now, I cannot see how I can discuss these matters with her when shes pumped full of hormones. Obviously we both want to keep the baby, but I am really struggling to both study at uni full time, work as much as possible to make money for the baby to come, and try and cater for her needs as much as I can (including 3am runs to the shops for random foods, burgers, carrots etc...). I guess I just need to hear some other peoples perspectives, especially females :) Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Successful couples strive for a connection and work dilligently to remain a team. In other words, talk to her about it. Tell her that her emotional distance is hurtful and you're willing to work on things so that you can grow even closer to her. If she's not willing to get rid of the baggage (and sometimes letting go takes time), you may want to reconsider this relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): I am sorry to say but I don't think this sounds like a very healthy relationship.
I can't say if your girlfriend is criticizing the things your are interested in, your opinions, what you watch on TV or withholds affection because she is projecting bad experiences onto you from a past experience.
That could very well be the case, but it usually does not matter the "why" what matters is the "how" you are being treated and "how" you deal with it.
She is giving you a fair amount of emotional abuse and you are suffering the classic consequences of being the target of that abuse. You have become Less Than from what you were before entering this relationship, you have shut down and stopped talking and have taken to walking on egg shells around her, and your self esteem is in the toilet and somehow she has got your mind so twisted you don't even trust your perceptions of reality anymore and are blaming yourself for her bad behavior.
Well, let me tell you, there is Nothing wrong with you. You sound like a great boyfriend, very loving. But there is something wrong with you. She is abusive. She isn't likely to change. Why is she that way, probably a personality disorder that is not going to ever change in her regardless of her past experiences.
Now if you don't think she is abusive but depressed and mean instead then tell her to go to the doctor and get on antidepressants. It is hard for me to tell the difference here because I can't see how she is, but from everything you have written here. I think it is the first.
The only real solution to this is to leave the relationship. It isn't a relationship worth salvaging. If she loved you, had honest affection for you and respect, she wouldn't be able to see you hurt like this let alone be doing it on purpose. You may love her very much, but it isn't reciprocal, and you deserve that, every one does. Staying is going to make you feel much worse about yourself and will be a long road of pain.
In fact I think there will come a day if you choose to stay where you will realize that you just can't live like this one more day and you will break up with her...even though you love her. And that is what you have to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Well, I kinda have a similar situation. My boyfriend says he loves me, very frequently, but he doesn't treat me very well. Sometimes he'll flip over the tiniest things! Like if I'm 5 minutes late, if I forget to bring him a CD, if I say a boring joke, etc. Well, he always tells me he loves me and generally is affectionate. He always tells his friends I'm great, but when we're alone sometimes he flips over dumb things or doesn't pay much attention to what I say. Yet other times he tells me he wants to marry me, and is always eager to please me sexually.I always thought this had exclusively to do with some mistakes I've made (I lied to him about my past, which was enought to trigger something really bad in him). He got very upset over my past, because he thougth I was "different". I didn't know about his own past. He was cheated on by two exes, one of them his first ever girlfriend. So maybe it has to do with the "transfer" thing you mentioned, I never thought of it like that. I admit I've made many mistakes simply because he's my first boyfriend and I guess I lacked experience handling relationships.I've been very patient and I do hope one day he regains trust in me and embraces my love for all that it is. I hope your girlfriend realizes too that you're not her ex. You sound like an amazing boyfriend, and it'd be a pity that she lost so much just because she isn't treating you like you deserve to be treated.
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