A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my husband and i split up two months ago due to his paranoia and abusive behaviour towards me,we have the odd contact as we share a daughter whom is 8yrs old.i have been trying to rebuild a life for myself and daughter without any financial help from him,this morning i found a box on my doorstep inside was a present for my daughter from her(father)he has not earned the status of daddy,with a doll and a chocolate selection pack i felt sick that he never respected his daughter enough to want to even say happy xmas to her let alone see her,so i have today decided that he is no longer a part of our life and wont contact him again for what ever reason how can any man do this to his child on xmas day it is beyond belief,have i made the right decision
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2009): i just want to say that there is nothing worse than not being able to see your girl,i think that your being selfish and if your ex is tryig to make an effort and it is a genuine effort and your daughter later finds out that he went back to make an effort and you didnt let it happen,she will then resent you.I have not seen my girls for 3 yrs and i have remarried to a very special woman who has supported me through everything and we were tormented for a while by the ex,s family until one day my new partner was ridiculed by my ex,s family when she went to pick up the girls and all they did was swear at her and all of this in front of the girls which then made me realise that these girls have been tormented for a while.Mind you there were hundreds of other incidents.So,i made a desicion that i will not see the girls until they get a bit older but with all the torment that my new partner and i have been through my new wife doesnt want anything to do with them which i do understand cause we have a beautiful 2 yr old who is the apple of her eye as well as mine,she is adorable,and she wants to protect our 2 yr old from all the possible negativity and poison this kids have received from my ex and her backward european family,again very understandable.My wife now is not exactly stopping me from seeing the kids but there is guilt on my behalf cause it takes away time from my family to try and spend with my two older girls who i miss very much but am a bit concerned that if i make the move to see my older girls it will cause trouble in my relationship with my wife.My mother passed away about a month ago and since then i feel like i need to put everything into perspective and realise how would i feel if something happened to one of those girls and i wasnt their for them,the guilt will be punishing.I need to make a desicion like you do,i think that if your ex wasnt in your daughters life he might have done it for the best for the child at that time and now he has guilt and wants his daughter in his life.People make mistakes as well and if you forgive and forget sometimes things move forward.At least he made an effort.what can i say i dont know who to make happy as my new wife doesnt want to even talk about this topic at all and she stops the conversation as soon as i go to bring it up,i am really stuck but i know that my older girls who are 8 and 9 really want to see me.I am scared as well i feel like a failure cause i wasnt able to keep all parties happy please give the guy a chance and dont deny your child her dads love cause as much as you dont want to beleive this he loves his daughter and probably riddled with guilt.Sorry for giving you my life story but i hope it could put everything more into perspective.GOOD LUCK
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 Most importantly, what was his abusive behavior? If he is that abusive, why would you want him over on Christmas?
Be careful what advice you choose. No matter what you want, it's not all about you. He is the father, like it or not. That was your choice. Things happen in life to change situations and we're only hearing your side. This is not a situation that is only deserving of your opinion. Whoever tells you that this is a unilateral choice on your part is speaking out of turn. I don't know what the laws are there either. These type of laws laws usually favor the woman by default. That is another issue.
You sound very angry or maybe hurt. You probably have your reasons. He may also have his and he is the father of that child. You are not entitled to make life long decisions about whether he'll see his child. How can you decide that he doesn't deserve to see his child ever again because he left a gift on the door step. You've gone from one extreme to another.
You may choose to have little to do with him but I think the dust needs to settle on this before you get too pushy. He did make an effort to bring he a gift and maybe there is a reason why he didn't come in. WE don't know his thoughts.
I have this situation in my extended family. Do not poison the child's mind about her dad. Unless he is a threat, work this out. Are there not legal ways to deal with these problems.
You sound very angry and hurt. This needs to be resolved before a healthy relationship as co parents can begin. If he is unfit to parent you should make that point. There are ways to do that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): wow, thats very sad! I am married to the best man, best husband and father and have a daughter too. I would say that if he didnt abuse his daughter and no drugs and alcohol are involved then you might want to keep him close to his child. You didnt mention how old he is, he might need to still "grow up" as some men need time to mature. I would pick up the phone and talk to him about it, I would like to hear what he has to say, it seems he did think of his daughter though...Remember, we as adults can always find another "love" to replace the one gone but we cant replace parents in our life, so if you think its worth to try to keep your child close to her father than do it, put your feelings behind when it comes for you and him...maye your daughter will thank you one day...or at least try hard. It is very hard to even try to advice when it comes for kids so if it wasnt what you wanted to hear please forgive me:)
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A
female
reader, ...:love:... +, writes (26 December 2008):
YES and NO!!!
you've made the right decision because you did what was right for YOU, but you made the wrong decision because later on in your daughter's life she will want to meet her father, and she might sneek out to meet him any time(like those movies) but if you still keep in touch you can get to know him BECAUSE HE'S STILL THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): I truly do think you have made the right choice christmas is about families being together and children to see a childs face on christmas morning is something that touches even the hardest hearts,its a true saying that "any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad"i know that feeling of the absent father as my father died when i was pretty young and every year i asked santa for that present(my daddy) which i never got but his was not through choice.best of luck for you both in 2009 take care.xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 December 2008):
 You had a good reason to end your relationship with him, he's not in a good mental stage. As a mother myself, I would do what ever it takes to keep unsafe people away from my children, even if it turned out if was their daddy.
However, he might have left it on the doorstep because he's smart enough to know, that you don't want to see him.
You can do 2 things:
Let him know that in the future you want him to call first, so that your daughter could say hi and merry Christmas.YOU set the rules.
Or if you feel safer, don't have anything to do with him. Go with your gut instinct.I don't see how he can really expect anything from you, since he contributes nothing to raising your child.
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