A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im just so upset and not sure what to do. My partner and I have been together now for 6 years, it has been a struggle as after the first 8 months of us being together he slept with someone else. I managed to forgive him for this and after time and we got back together. I remember back then the text conversations between the two of them seemed very strange, it was language of how 2 children would talk to each other. Very childlike. Anyway since this there has been some very difficult times between the two of us, as he is a musician, he attracts a lot of female attention and its usually mainly because they want to sing and are very enthusiastic because he can play anything on the keyboard. He seems to encourage people but sometimes not in the correct way. There have been a couple more incidents since where he has lied and met up with some of these people for reahursal then you can see that he will text things that he shouldn't really say and things that could create something else. Hes not exactly highly sexed so I don't think its to do with this. Anyway 2 weeks ago, I saw I text come through on his phone and it was a long message, sounded again very child like someone saying how great it was to meet him last night, this was at another music event, and saying I have to be straight with you though sweet I am married but soon looking to get divorced as I am not in love with him anymore. I asked him about this message and he said oh its nothing, I just found her interesting as she has a good knowledge of symbols and is very spiritual that's all. So I said well you have given her the impression that you are single, you need to sort this as its not fair. so he text her saying he is also with someone. She replied and said that's okay then im happy to be friends. Anyway, then a week later, ive seen all these very strange messages between the 2 of them, him telling her he loves her and that soon they will be together, she didn't respond th these and dismissed talking of other random things. Even her daughter, who is about 21, (oh he is 55, the other women is 50 and I am 37) there are texts between the 2 of them, her daughter also, him saying I just want you to know that, I am genuine, and I really do love your mum and will not take advantage of her. I think the world her. Anyway it turns out that he has met up with this women only 3 times for a coffee. obviously I was devasted when I read these messages as he doesn't even text me these things. he said he knew this would hurt me if I saw this as he knows he doesn't say these things to me. He said its very difficult to explain, but she is a very vulnerable women and he said he cant help this but he quite likes this about her. He said nothing has happened on a physical side with them and that its all mental. These texts all sound like children talking to one another, I just cant understand. He said its difficult to explain but she has a very dark side and knows things spiritually and this has fascinated him. Does this make any sense to anyone that understands what all this means?? Im so upset.... I feel like what I thought we have had all these years is nothing. how could you text these things to someone that you have met only 3 times and even text her daughter the same thing. The mother and daughter are always out together on music events. its as though im living on a different plant, I cannot get my head around any of this???
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Your BF is an asshole, plain and simple.
He's sorry because he got caught. His excuses are bullshit and you're better off without him. If you stay with him you're showing him that there's no consequence to his actions so why would he stop what he's doing?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 Then talk to your friends and family and tell them what has happened. They are their for you to talk to, so let them support you. You don't need to do this by yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2017): He has actually said to be today via text, he knows that on this, that he really is screwed as he knows I will never be able to let this go ever and he knows this. He then said he is a very selfish person, and he cant accept responsibility and that he is drawn to weird messed up people and that this is against his better nature and puts him on his arse in the end and this is the story of his life. Its as though he doesn't even have any care for what he has done. To be honest it sounds a bit as though he Is trying to get rid of me anyway doesn't it really....? I just cant believe how bad this is making me feel, I feel a nervous wreck and I cant even sleep at night! I haven't even told my family or work people what has happened and im finding it extremely difficult to hold it together as its making me feel unwell ...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (31 August 2017):
He is cruel and he does not love you. If he loved you he would be sorry he would be doing everything he could to prove to you he was wrong and to try and win back your trust. But no instead he is turning it around on you and trying to control the situation. Who is he to give you any ultimatums? He is the one in the wrong here not you, he is the one that lied and told another women he loves her, he is the one that refuses to cut contact and make silly excuses why he shouldn't even though he knows how much this is hurting you. Personally I could not be with someone like this I would never ever be happy. I understand that it will be hard for you but you have to stay strong or you will be pulled back under and you will be back to feeling this hurt and pain that you don't deserve, you deserve to be with someone who treats you well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): He has been messaging me since, saying we must be able to rescuce something from this, and he realises how bad his behaviour is and how sorry he is that he has hurt me like this this was never his intention. He says it was all just play acting. He says he knows the trust has gone but surley we have lots more to the relationship so can salvage something. But then the worst of it is, there is still text communication going on between them. I said if I meant that much, hed have put a stop to it straight away and told her not to message him again. He has said, that he has done it his way, and if he wasn't nice about it, this would create bad feeling. He says if he does it my way then I must promise that I will draw a line under it and not bring it up for eternity. and he said then and also no more phone hijacking. So its as though he has turned it around on me. He also said that this women thought more of of him in a patron way and that's all. Meaning the texts seem childlike, I meant, its the kind of meesages you would read from someone very young, very random, jumping from one thing to another. this is making me feel very unwell, I am finding it very hard to walk away. My whole life revolves around this man, as we do music together for a living and all my friends are in this circle which makes is so hard for me. This women he has only met 3 times. When I rang her up she said they are just friends, the messages of him saying he loves her, she seemed to dismiss this. But why would he not tell her to not contact him again, I think its becauase he has encouraged this, or its because he will continue it on. He seemed to look pleases also at how much this has upset me, almost a grin on his face! I just cannot get my head around how he can be so cruel
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 August 2017):
 How do you keep someone trying their heart out for you and forgiving you everything? By never being totally available emotionally to them but holding them at arms' length. It is a form of control. Been there, got the t-shirt, would NEVER do it again.
If you stay with this man, how do you envisage your life in 5 years? 10 years? I can tell you EXACTLY how it will be: the SAME. He will carry on being unavailable emotionally to you as well as physically (the "low sex drive" is typical of these men) and you will carry on being insecure and checking on his every move, KNOWING he is not treating you well but believing you "have" what other women covert. Sweetheart, let them have him. He is not worth your sleepless nights and tears. You are worth more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Oh dear OP... if this were your best friends situation, I have no doubt you would be advising her to get rid of this joker. We all need to treat ourselves as we would advise someone who we care about. That's what you should do. This wouldn't be good enough for someone you care about, to put up with such a reptile of a man who is texting and meeting other women, then spinning you some bull story of her being vulnerable etc... he is feathering his nest elsewhere. Either for a plan old affair or to leave you.
Now is the time to take control and say- I've thought about how you are behaving and it's not something that I'm putting up with, so best of luck but you are on your way.
You are only 37! Nearly 20 years his junior- he doesn't have many years to carry on like this for now, his boyish charm is closing in regard to this behaviour - let him get on with it. He'll be lonely, and you'll be happy with someone decent soon enough. I'd lay money the infidelity- emotionally at least, has never stopped throughout your relationship...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): It's the 3-6 year phase of a long-term relationship! The magical time-period in a relationship, that brings one-half of a couple to DC! There are a series of couple's-issues and unresolved problems up to this point. Yet the two remain together. They aren't married; because one of the two knows it would never work.
I don't think it was your dogged-determination to make your relationship work. I think your ego wouldn't allow you to let go; because you can't stand the thought of letting other women have him.
He has betrayed you repeatedly; finding other women in spite of your efforts to maintain a relationship. He's doing a solo-act, all the same. You're doing all the work to save a relationship that had a problem from the very beginning.
Stubbornness isn't necessarily a sign of strength, sweetheart. It is also evidence that a person is buried in denial to the reality of things. Refusing to give-up in the false-hope things will resolve themselves. It takes mutual-effort. One can't do it alone. Looking the other way; then finally facing it when you find new evidence is kind of childish on your part. Own it. I don't know what you mean about their childish-talk. You're the one not grasping the adult-side of this.
What are you holding-on to???
You have had repeated incidents of finding messages and other evidence that your partner is cheating. You decided to ignore it; instead of kicking his ass to the curb and moving on.
Well you've reached your saturation-point, the final-straw. What do you need from us?
Your Honor, all the evidence has been presented; and eye-witness accounts support the charges. The defendant is proven guilty as charged, for the crime of cheating. The prosecutor (you) rests her case.
What be your verdict and sentencing for the crime???
You are also the judge and jury, sweetheart! Lay down the law!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (29 August 2017):
Honestly he is feeding you a story so that he can get away with emotionally cheating on you. Honestly what do you get out off this relationship? Can you honestly say you are able to trust him? To me he cannot be trusted if he wanted to be with you he would not be telling another women he loves her and her daughter that he is serious about her, it sounds like he has became infatuated with her. If this was me I would kick his ass out before he decides its time to leave you.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (29 August 2017):
Why are you still with this guy?
He is clearly cheating on you shamelessly.
It's not Ok to go on a date while being on a committed relationship.
What would happen if you suddenly started getting messages from a guy, saying he loves you and that he is getting a divorce for you? How would he react?
I think you should go to therapy to help you cope with this, and help you decide if you should stick or leave him.
You deserve better. There are good men out there.
Best luck!
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