A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a long issue here , My new boyfriend has difficulties in having relationships , he admitted he finds a full on relationship hard . I asked him does he like change or routine and thats when he said he likes routine and everything familiar to slot into place and when new things come into his life he struggles and feels like the world is against him and getting at him . Sometimes ill say something like pick a day well go out and tell him the dates im free he suddenly started saying not have a go at him and stop pushing , he sees things as tho someone is always having a go at him when theyre not. Hes told me of tough times when he was younger and also a couple of really daft excuses to why he dumped any ex girlfriends. Im wondering if him never moved out of his parents house hasnt helped him 'develop' into an adult ( hes 35 and never moved out or ever lived with anyone else like a girlfriend or a mate ) and if 'ex girlfriends' really were girlfriends some men just dont always have the chance to have full on relationships something in their head stops them , because he has never said things he did with these girlfriends like visiting places or anything like that its always been memories of his family on days out and holidays . Im wondering if im his first real girlfriend ( i did ask and he said no , but he could lie ) and he doesnt know how to deal with it , ive been so sympathetic with him and not pushed or demanded , but one day his parents wont be around and if he keeps pushing people away hes going to end up on his own lonely. If i say this to him he will say im having a go at him. How can i 'get into his head ' so to speak get him to open up , and show and explain to him adults develop grow up move on have real relationships take a chance once in a while accept change ,people advise and suggest things and not have a go at him theyre not attacking him , hes clearly got issues and i want to help him but saying to him to speak to professionals will make him say im pushing and go quiet on me and take it all the wrong way and i want to change him when im not, im just trying to get him to develop . Thanks for any advice
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 January 2016):
 It sounds like he might have social anxiety. This is a common disorder, I doubt that he has not learnt to develop because he is still living with his parents. There must be a reason he has lived with his parents this long, probably being to anxious to move out. He feels you are not helping him that you are getting at him.
So to speak you cannot get in to his head, you just need to ask yourself if you are interested enough to invest your time and energy with this guy? As it will take a lot of patience to be with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2016): Take it slow ... Let him lead the pace.He will develop with each experience and relationship. Your being there is a start, someone who is clearly seeing what the issue is, and how some ideas would be thwarted by him, and you're looking on here and elsewhere on how to help him and that's great! He is lucky right now ;)If he is worth it, if you see potential and are falling in deep with him, then your just being there is going to help, as will each daily contact, conversation, outing, experience. You will need patience, a good heart and willingness to struggle for a while before its half way there :)Perhaps see his emotional inexperience almost like a partner would a virgin: give it time, be supportive, help him through the changes, have open frank discussions and knowing he lacks that experience in relationships, help him see how great it can be :)Good luck
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