A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:At the start of our relationship, I made the horrible decision to talk with some ex's in a way that I shouldn't. It was completely online, and I did not cheat physically in any way. To be frank, I was scared of the relationship I am in. It was working out fantastically and I had some discussions that I shouldn't have, saying this I shouldn't have. We had been talking about moving in together and I decided enough was enough. I love this woman, and I can't treat her like that. I cut ties with everyone i had talked to, and decided to spend my time focussing on the wonderful woman in front of me. I couldn't do what I was doing anymore, and after considering everything I knew this was the decision for me. I moved in, and everything was ok for a week or so. Then, she found the conversations on my computer. I forgot they had been captured in a log file. Regardless, it was horrible. It completely ruined her trust in me, and it made me feel horrible. She forgave me, and for the past 7 months we've been working together great at times. Even better than it was before. Other times, she thinks back to that day and it saddens her greatly (and understandably so). Recently, she has broken up with me because she just can't get that out of her head. She knows my position. I've told her how much she means through conversations, letters, everything I can do. I know this is her decision to make, but is there anything more I can do? Anything I can suggest to help? Right now, I'm just trying to give her some space because she has said she needs it to figure things out. But its hard. I love her so very much. I wouldn't have moved in if I didn't, but I do understand her position too. I honestly want to marry this woman and spend the rest of my life making her happy. I know how bad I screwed up and I would never ever even consider doing anything relatively close to that again. I am not sure why I'm posting other than to look for input I suppose. Please be fair, I already know I'm an idiot for what I did. That's why I stopped and vowed not to do it anymore, but its too late for that. I can't fix the past, and I just hope that I can somehow still have a beautiful future with the woman I love. Any help / input (constructive please) is welcome. Thanks for reading.
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male
reader, ISOHaven  +, writes (27 February 2009):
You've done a lot but have you done everything? It's easy for you to SAY you are sorry and wont do it again. However you are asking her to move the world in order to forgive and forget. Seems to me she doesn't even know how to start doing as such.
Sometimes we need a third party to put things into perspective. Have you brought up couples counseling? Maybe it will help her to listen to someone ELSE about this issue and maybe they can help her to start healing.
Bring it up to her and see how she feels about it. But, don't make it out to be like you are trying to SAVING THE RELATIONSHIP. Ask her to do it for herself as well as for you in hopes to clear the air. Then over time if she's able to start the healing process, maybe she can be there for you again. But it's going to take time and LOTS OF IT.
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