A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I have been married for 6 years, before my husband whom I have been with for 10 years I had multiple partner. My husband is the complete opposite of me he had 1 partner for 15 years prior to me. When we initially got together he asked how many partners I had, I lied and gave him alower number. Ove the years I have began to tell him to real truth, which I am totally ashamed of.My husband now knows the truth but because I have messed him around so much is very reluctant to belive me so we are regular arguing about this.Can anyone give me some advice as to how I can win back my husband's trust, prove to him I really love him and showing that I truly sorry for not taking ownership of this in the veryb beginning Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): ".......and that you didn't lie to be treacherous that you lied because you loved him too much to lose him then he doesn't deserve you...." with this type of mentality no wonder your hb doesn't still trust you. i believe you lied about your past merely to serve your own interests. you lied becuase you could and because you wanted to. you were not protecting HIM , you were protecting YOU. maybe if you admit your lies and cover ups then your marriage would stand a chance. now you seem to be blaming your hb for not loving you the way you desired. it is not about having a life prior to your hb, but it is the lies that you have spoken about your past. if you are honest with yourself you will see the role you played in the breakdown of your marriage. NOW BLAMING YOUR HB Is merely self serving of you. you need to account for your lies and since you have not, you have not learnt anyting at all.
now to the OP:
Plese put yourself in HIS shoes. he thought he knew you and he perhaps is questioing who he is really married to. he is even questioning whther he can trust anything coming out of your mouth, right? realise this - he is only human. he is hurting and he is in pain beig lied to. it has taken you 10 years to slowly tell the truth. the foundation of your relationship was based on lies and he is feeling questioning everything.
the only way to win back his trust is to be completely hinest going forward. even if it will hurt him, he just needs to know. your actions will prove whether he can trust you again. you are lucky that you have a monogamous man in your life. value him, you just do not know what a gem that is. this is not a over night trust issue. it will take him time to get used to the news, how long i really don't know. perhaps never, perhaps within the next few months. only time will tell.
multiple partners, how many is this??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have been with my husband for almost 15 years married, 18 years total. I lied to my husband because I loved him so much I didn't want him to think me unworthy of him. As we were together longer & longer I believed our love was strong enough that I could give him some private info. about me. He resented me for lying, didn't forgive and ended up cheating on me too. He then blamed his infidelity on me. No you can't win him back. The fact that he doesn't realize that you had a life before him and that you didn't lie to be treacherous that you lied because you loved him too much to lose him then he doesn't deserve you and he will not fully love as you should be. I know from experience!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2008): My wife and I went through part of what you and your husband went through, except that she told me the truth the first time that we discussed it. I believe that she told me the truth because what she told me wasn’t that good. You don’t say what you did, but I have described the story of my wife and I in my first question on dearcupid. Basically, she had 10 sexual partners between leaving her first husband and starting to date me 3 years later. She picked up about half of them at taverns or dance clubs and went home with them that night. She was my first partner after my divorce and both of us had only one partner before our divorces. She wanted to tell me on our second date, but was afraid to. She started hinting at her behavior over the next few weeks, until I finally asked her. We sat down and she told me the whole story. My wife had to tell me because she felt guilty about what she had done because she believed that it was wrong. One time later in our relationship, she told me that if she ever had an affair that she would never tell me this because she knew that it would hurt me. I understood, but that made it difficult for me to completely trust her for many years after that. Neither one of was contemplating an affair and I don’t what we were discussing that made her say that.
I know that the above doesn’t help you with your problem, but I just wanted to tell it to tell others how important the truth is to a relationship. I believe that if a person is going to say anything at all that it should be the truth. Your situation confirms that.
I’m not sure that you can do any more than what eddie has suggested. Make him understand that you were ashamed and couldn’t face the truth yourself. Because of that, you couldn’t face him and tell him the truth. As I said, I don’t know what you did or why you did it. My wife did what she did because she felt unattractive and unwanted after leaving her cheating husband. She used sex to get love and affection, but finally realized that giving sex got little of either. That is when she stopped doing what she had been doing and started to look for a real relationship. The day after our first date, she broke up with her current boyfriend of 6 or 8 months so that she could concentrate on our relationship. This was the first time that she had any need to tell a partner about what se had done in the past. She now feels proud of herself because she has been faithful to me for the 29 years that we have been together. I feel that she has every right to feel proud now and I am proud of her also, even though I have recently had a recurring problem accepting how she behaved before me. She no longer thinks badly of what she did, but she isn’t happy with her past either. I think that you should feel good about the kind of person you have been since meeting your husband. You should realize that you have changed and are a different person now. That is how my wife feels.
We have talked about this many times over the past 9 months and, with the help of women on this board, have come to understand and mosty accept her sexual behavior. It was difficult for both of us to talk about it over and over again, but it is what has made us feel much better about it. You will never feel good about what you had done and neither will your husband. Neither will my wife nor I. However, non-argumentative discussions about both of your feelings will help both of you understand the others thoughts and greatly help both of you be much more happy about this.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (7 June 2008):
 How many partners is multiple? You could tell him it's because you love him that you lied. You didn't want to tell him things that would make him feel bad. Tell him that this happened before him and that you are with him because you love him. Make him understand that when you were telling him lies, it was not to hurt him but because you were not proud of something.
...............................
|
