A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a single mom of two children..I've been seeing a married man for almost 3 years. I used to be ok with the relationship, because it was not like most "affairs"..he just had two women that he shared equally. Now things have come to a stand still and I've had enough. The short of it is, I want to be free of him. I love him dearly and my attempts to leave have lead me back in his arms because I don't know how to live without him. He is a big part of my life...How does one do this ? How do you walk away from what has been your best friend ? Confidant ?Please help!Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (17 February 2009):
 Before you can move on in a positive way you have to feel bad about what happened and accept you made bad choices. Do you see my point? If you do not accept that you were not meant to be with this guy, based on the part that he's married, you can't really move "forward".
Perhaps you could see the "hurt" as a part of paying the price. You may have loved but he was not yours to love at that point in time. You can not change how you feel but you can understand that you might have been barking up the wrong tree.
Think of the letter his wife might have written to Dear Cupid if she was hurting from this affair. That might put things in to perspective. Sometimes we have to think about the big picture and not just ourselves.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (17 February 2009):
 Here's an article that was written a while back; I don't know if it will help but maybe it will give you some perspective on grieving the end of a relationship.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
I think it might help to look upon this as an event that will require a grieving period, just as if someone close to you had passed away. You'll go through some of those phases, I think, so allow yourself to feel the sorrow and the loss.
An aunt I knew on this site made a suggestion for a book and I think it might be of use to you too. It's "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck. There's some good stuff in there about the experience of falling in love and how the boundaries get eliminated for a short while. The thing of it is that a healthy person in a healthy relationship CAN live without the other partner. If you feel you cannot live without him, then there is something missing from your arsenal of life coping skills. Perhaps you could use this time, the free time you'll have, to examine yourself and the choices you've made that have led you to this place, this place of pain and hurt.
So one of the big lessons of the book I cited above is that all of us suffer in life. The key thing is how you face that suffering. Head on, with eyes open (sorry, but it's appropriate here), embracing the experience even though it hurts, as a learning one. And out of the pain and hurt you suffer now, if you do this right, you'll come to a deeper understanding of yourself and why you've made the choices you have.
So experience the grief, cry, rage, sob, scream at the top of your lungs, punch the hell out of your pillow, do what you need to do to start your grieving process. And step by step, one little step at a time, you'll be just a little wiser and a little more healthy and whole every day.
Good luck on this new path.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2009):
 See him for the cad he is. What kind of man can voluntarily shame and devastate his wife? See him for the liar he is. Think of the pain and damage you yourself have caused his poor wife. Look in the mirror and see what kind of role model you are being for your two kids. Repeat over and over again, "I want to live with honor and integrity again." That ought to take the edge off your hurt and make walking away easier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your replies...unfortunately these are not the responses I am looking for. I am fully aware I need to leave him, and will...I'm simply looking for advice on how to stop the hurt and desire to love this man.
Thanks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): The guy is married.would you accept it if you were married and you were sharing your husband equally with someother woman? Come on. Get a little self respect and a little backbone and just leave him. Hell find some other low self esteem girl on the side if he dont have one already
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (14 February 2009):
You should make better choices. Did his wife know about you? You Should learn from the mistake you made and stay away from situations that you shouldn't be involved in. No matter what you hoped for you started on the wrong foot. I'll say it again, if you were aware of what you were doing in the beginning, let this be a lesson. Find another man who is single and will make a commitment to you.
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