A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:Ok, this is a recurring problem, I meet someone from a website for an ambigious date/meet up/hook up to see how it does. Commonly, from very early on I've decided if I want to take it further or not, a bit of fun, friendship or something more meaningful. If I decided its only a friendship, when they threaten/offer to kiss me, I make a joke and say I'd rather not or politely decline because i dont want to kiss in public. For me thats a good indication that someone is not interested. Often what is happening is they are making arrangements for a second "date" by inviting me to dinner, What is a polite way of steering into clearly but in a kind, clear way into friendship territory. It seems the message isn't coming across, then I look like I'm leading them on/being manipulative. When all I really want is to be friends, rather than lose touch completely. How can I word this? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Remember OP honesty is the greatest sign of respect and respect is the greatest form of politeness.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (17 June 2010):
 It is within your rights to be discerning of those you wish to see again for a second date. It is nice that you wish to maintain friendships with those you do not wish to pursue anything further with. Well, I should say it is nice only if you are doing this because you have found something inside them that is worth knowing, even if that person is not one you think you could love, and not because you are too intimidated to be direct for fear someone will not be pleased with you or won’t like you anymore. The latter makes this attempt at delicacy self-motivated.
It is also well within their rights to choose to be your friend or not.
"Nice" is not always the best thing to aim for. On those occasions I can’t be both and have to make a choice, I prefer being ‘good’ over being ‘nice’.
In your case, being good means you need to be honest with these women. There is nothing wrong with saying, preferably in your first conversation after the first date, "I had fun and would love to keep in touch, but I do not foresee us being more than friends." That is the GOOD thing to do, even if it doesn't feel NICE, and it can certainly be said 'nicely'.
If they’ve only been out with you once, it’s hard to imagine they would be devastated by such news. However, if someone does react poorly, you’ll know they are not ideal ‘friend’ material and can move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): It can't be done, if a person is interested in dating you then just being friends is unlikely to happen. No one wants to be 'just friends' with someone that they've just met and are interested in dating.
You need to make sure you state on your profile that you're interested in only finding friends if that's what you're looking for.
If however you're a 'looking for friendship maybe more' kind of person then if they show an interest in the 'maybe more part' and you don't, then you have to make that clear to them by telling them that.
I'm afraid you are being manipulative, you're trying to "steer" them and when they try to kiss you, you give them an excuse instead of telling them the truth. You might think you're sparing their feelings by not outright rejecting their advances but you're not, you're giving them the impression that they still have a chance and that my friend is leading them on.
Perhaps to you "I don't like kissing in public" is a clear indication that you're not interested in that, but to me that says 'I don't like kissing in public'. I don't know you therefore how am I supposed to understand your nuances, I can only take you at your word. If you don't give me a definitive 'no' then I'm gonna just keep on trying.
Just be upfront and honest about it, no games, no steering, no sparing of feelings because you're not actually sparing their feelings or being kind by lying to them.
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