A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:I've been with this man for 7yrs which I have experienced everything from cheating, verbally and physical abuse which he say's he has never given me a black eye but tried chokin me twice..go figure!! Which thank god the last time he put his hands on me was 3yrs ago which I think if he was I woulD have him arrested!! Anyways, Ive had major trust issues and just this April I found out he had an affair with a girl last year who she had no idea about me..well, the way I found out was snooping around on his phone..and just a couple of days I saw the same number on his phone and I asked him about it and he said that he hasn't spoken to her..which I had to verify by callin her..I feel like a little kid cuz I can't believe Im even doing this. So, he went and put a security lock on his phone and when I asked him why his answer was to avoid problems. so, my answer was to him well if your not doing anything like hiding stuff from me there's no reason and I basically told him Im really tired of these games. My friend on the other hand told me that maybe he wants his privacy and to trust him but this is not the first incident..just last summer he told me he was with friends out of state and he went to a trip to Dominican Republic which I already know what goes on there! Please help me so confused!!
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female
reader, nikkistarz +, writes (19 June 2011):
If you're not going to leave him why even bother looking at his phone? You know what's going on... but why get upset and argue with him over it if you're not going to do anything about it? Only you can decide what you're going to tolerate and what you're not. At this point, staying with him is giving him permission to keep mistreating you.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 he sounds like bad news. i am all for privacy but this guy only wants privacy coz he is up to no good. your friend probably thinks they are being kind in placating you with what they said, but you really need to start listening to your own self! - your intuition and your knowledge of his past behaviour is telling you all you need to know! i have in the past been with some lying scum bags of men and i have always tried to convince myself that i am wrong about what i feel/think they are doing and i have sought the advice of friends who have very nicely told me to stop worrying etc. i now realise that i should not listen to the advice of friends who have been happily married for 20+ years and who are not experienced with different men and dating.
listen to yourself
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): security lock on his fone that is an understatement my boyfriend turns his off and hides it when i am with him asked why and excuses begin battery is dead,switched it self off etc talk about trust issues
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 June 2011):
 You could of left him when he cheated, you could of left him when he physically abused him, but the thing you're worried about is a lock on his phone?? I'm sorry but did I read that right?
How are you still with this guy? Cheater + abusive = steer well clear.
No advice is needed, its very obvious what you need to do...
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 June 2011):
 You're choosing to focus on him putting a security lock on his phone... Seriously?
Why are you still with this dude... you won't trust him even if he takes the security lock off, for which nobody can blame you. You can't trust him because frankly- nobody with half a brain would.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 June 2011):
 you know it, i know it, we all know it. he's shady as hell. i'm sorry, but if he's not doing anything he needs to hide then there's no reason to lock his phone, end of story, just like you said. there have been times the person i'm with has asked me to see my phone and i quietly handed it over no problem and no questions asked. i had nothing to hide so why not? if it made her feel better why not let her see? by not letting you see, all it's doing is reiterating that you have something to worry about, therefore causing more problems. he knows if he had nothing to hide he'd show you to alleviate your stress. period. he's a liar.i would be really aggressive about this. don't put up with the BS. because that's what it is. no one deserves to be lied to and mentally tormented. cheaters and liars are really good at turning situations around. now you're sitting here wondering if you're being too invasive and just not giving him his privacy. please. you know it's crap. tell him forcefully he's being an ass and leave him if he doesn't change it. i assure you 100% he's lying. don't let him make you feel bad.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 June 2011):
I'm not sure what exactly you're confused about. From your post:
1. He's cheated on you
2. He's been abusive to you
3. He's lied to you about his whereabouts
Now he's put a security lock on his phone, this is just another in a long string of "incidents" it's not any different from his past behavior. It fits perfectly into the rest of the pattern. Your friend who told you to trust him, is giving you bad advice because his pattern of behavior has shown him to be very untrustworthy. Trust has to be earned, and is not even interested in earning it so why should you give it freely?
you can't be checking his phone all the time, you're not a prison guard, that's no way for you to live. And besides I think you already know what you'll find so you don't even need to check his phone, you know what's there already.
I think your options are to either live with his continued abuse of you, or to leave him. Clearly you've already tried the first option for 7 years and it's not working out very well because you're still feeling upset all the time (which isn't surprising because that's what abuse does to you) so maybe it's time for the second option...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Don't be with him anymore,and tell him why over email or something to that aspect if you're afraid to tell him face to face at all. Find a new guy. I wish you all the luck!
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