A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. My problem is..When I first met my girlfriend she was seeing another guy. We worked together but seemed to connect really well. One day we made out in a private room at work. After that we started hanging out together and we would occasionally kiss. I never felt right about it and shortly after I told her I couldn’t do it any more. She got angry so angry she got engaged to her bf. Some time passes and she approaches me again. This time she wants to sleep with me. I tell her no way. I didn’t want to do that and I didn’t want her to be that girl. But as time went on her constant pressuring finally beat out my morals and one night we got drunk and I didn’t say no. Things started to get a little more serious and before long she gave him the ring back. We dated on and off for about a year. This entire time her ex still stayed in her house, slept in her bed, ate her food, etc. Infact I was only ever over there when he was away. So I was never really sure if I was the boyfriend or him.. It ate at me that I didn’t know if she could commit to me. Every night I would toss and turn and wonder if she what she if she was doing more than just sleeping in her bed. She swore and promised that nothing was going on. But she never gave me more than her word. Then these rare coincidences would occur, like valentine’s day she bought herself a really nice ring.. or she was sick on her birthday and couldn’t meet me. I tried to sweep all this under the rug. But I couldn’t so again we broke up. She was again very angry and said a great deal of hurtful things so much so I needed anti-depressants to manage the depression it was causing. One night she texted me to tell me she slept with someone else. And similar type things using everything she knew about me against me. So fast forward to now. She has kicked her ex out and we can finally be together the way we always wanted to. But as we start to try and rebuild our relationship I can’t get past my knowledge of her. We wanted to start over fresh but all these horrors of our past keep coming up. When we are together everything is great. I never felt about someone the way I do about her. So I really am trying to get past this but the problem is when we are apart. She spends a lot of time with friends. All her friends are other guys and at least 2 of them like her. I know because she told me. She tells me that she doesn’t act that way towards anyone other than me. But the instant I can’t give her attention she is seeking it from another male. If we are fighting she is txting her latest friend that she hangs out with. When shes gone she’ll say stuff like I can’t see you after, how about tomorrow? She goes out and doesn’t tell me and when I tell her I knew she wasn’t home she has a story instantly. I really am trying to believe her but with her jumping in the sack with me so quick and while she was dating someone else I have a hard time trusting her. When she out with someone else I get sick to my stomach. I know this is my problem, but can I honestly trust her? I am usually a pretty good judge of character but I can’t figure this one out. I’m not the jealous type I have had plenty of relationships that I didn’t worry about this stuff. Should I believe her when she says they are just friends? Even though she used to call me her “friend”? She has been married twice before this and I can almost point out indicators that she has possibly cheated in the past. She mentions that her only female friend is constantly cheating as well as her sister. These are all huge red flags to me. What should I do? How do I get rid of these jealous feelings or am I spot on and need to come to the realization that this was just a game to her. I have never had this connection with a person before, we like the same things, have the same tastes, etc. I don't want to give this up unless I'm just to blind to see the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I broke up with her, at least for now. Everyone seems to agree this is the best course of action. Thank you for each of your answers. you each made good points. Its obvious to me now that if this whole situation happened all at once then I certainly wouldn't put up with it. But since it happened slowly over time i just couldn't see it. I never actually had any proof that she was cheating or has. she said she never has. But there are alot of coincedences (too many for me). Today was the last straw anyway. In all honesty she broke up with me. I found out she had a friend who needed a place to stay just for the night. Thats why she couldn't spend time with me last night. She told me about it today and apparently he slept on the couch. But as usual its just her word im going by. I mean given any situation out there. Married, dating, engaged would it ever be ok for your significant other to have a "friend" sleep over when your not around? Especially when all parties know that this guy likes her. I mean the tendancy to cheat after a few drinks with someone thats obviously in love with them and they sleep over? Am i paranoid for not believing her? she has me convinced that im crazy. But to be honest I just dont care any more. Its all too much drama anyway you look at it. I mean if i was married and i told my wife on a business trip that the skanky neighbor girl is gonna sleep on our couch for whatever reason. There is going to be some trust issues. especially if I have met her the same way.. whatcha think? Gimme a vote on how crazy I am!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): PLEASE end it once and for all with her. she has cheating in her bones (if this makes sense).she will and has cheated on you. she will do it again so end it while you can or then just shut uop and accept the life YOU HAVE CHOSEN. choose wisely. her past will always crop up. she is in a cheating environment, she is breathing cheating. up to no good
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A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (6 August 2009):
I knew a girl like this. She's unique, one of kind, someone who's so easy to connect with and be with, you don't want it to end. But she's also someone who needs human companionship (attention?), someone who doesn't want to be alone.
You had something with her but it reads like you don't know what you were. Were you her boyfriend or not? It sounds like you are looking for a "regular" bf/gf commitment and she is not.
If she is looking to start over and wants your relationship to work in a "normal" way, then you will both have to come to an understanding of what it is each of you is looking for.
As for her past, that's something you have to look into your heart for the answer. If it's too much and you can't get by it, then you should move on now. But if you choose to look at the present and what the future might hold, then you should put everything that happened before behind you and move forward.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Look, As hard as this is to say read you post and write down the type of person you read about.
1. A persons who two-times their BF
2. A person who pressurises somebody for sex.
3. A peron who lies to her friends and herself.
4. A person who will use everything about you against you.
5. A person who will still think that you deserve no better than to be with them.
If such a person were to approach you tommorow then would you want them. Do you deserve better. I dont know you but Im willing to bet you do.
Do yourself a favour, tell this girl its over for once and for all, even if your heart breaks when you say it. On some level you will relise its the right thing. Then give yourselftime to heal.
I really hope this helps.
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