A
female
age
30-35,
*ogarixe
writes:It has now been three years that I've been dating my boyfriend (the same one that my previous question was about; I'm very glad I didn't break up with him), and now I'm pretty sure I've found my future husband! :D Excitement! One problem. I have no idea how to tell my parents that we're seriously considering marriage. I made the mistake of talking to my parents when we were going through some rough patches last year, so I'm afraid that's marred their opinion of him; Since then I've been trying to assert that he's a mature, capable man who makes me very happy.I'm just really scared that my dad is going to sigh that heavy sigh of his and give me his disapproving look that shakes me to my soul. I live in constant fear of that look. I don't want them to think that we're not thinking this through or that we're not mature enough (even though I'm 20, and he's 18 and way smarter than I'll ever be). We really have thought this through. We've been talking about it for about the past 6 months, and every time the topic comes up, I'm more and more positive that I want to marry and have kids with him. I can't even express how excited I am to marry him. How can I tell my parents that I really want to marry him? He's so wonderful and I want my parents to approve 100%. PleaseandThankYou Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 December 2011):
 That's just my point.
Assuming that neither you nor your bf change your minds before, - your bf still has two more years to be on his best behaviour and win over your parents' heart. In two years either he will have succeeded and your parents will be fine with your plans, or he won't but you'll have grown up and decided that , as an adult, you get married to please yourself and not your parents.
A
female
reader, logarixe +, writes (25 December 2011):
logarixe is verified as being by the original poster of the question something I feel I need to clarify is that if we get married, we'll probably do so after I graduate college (2 years from now). He'll still have about a year and a half left of school by then. It's not like I want to get married tomorrow.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 December 2011):
 READ what CindyCares posted again and again.. it makes great sense.
1. You are 20 he is a child of 18…. Are you in college? Is he? When are you planning this marriage? Next week? next month? Next year? All are TOO SOON.
2. You want your parents 100% approval. That is NOT going to happen unless they arrange the marriage. I THOUGHT my parents approved my first husband I was 21 and came home and said we were getting married… they smiled and 6 weeks later I had a fairytale wedding (do not ask how my mother pulled this off but she did!) 8 years, two kids, a house, and a dog later I’m getting the PERFECT divorce. THEN I found out how my parents REALLY felt. IF my parents had told me then what they really thought it might have been different but I doubt it. But at least after I was divorced I would not have had the “we never wanted you to marry him in the first place” blow in my face on top of the failed marriage.
3. What you want at 20 is NOT what you will want OR NEED at 30…
4. Wanting your parents approval is no necessary as an adult. … I am now in a relationship with a man that I plan to marry… I hope THIS marriage (my fourth so I’m no prize at relationships) works… and I did not ASK my daddy… but I did go down and tell him and let him meet the fellow… he likes the guy but he’s trust me NOT happy about the marriage. But guess what, when you are an ADULT you don’t really CARE what your parents think….
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 December 2011):
 What was the previous question you posted?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I think the key phrase in your submittal is this one:
"...I want my parents to approve 100%...."
IF your parents were to withhold approval, would you be content and wait until you found some guy who DOES meet their approval? WHO is living your life?... you? ... or, your parents?
You may ASK your parents to accept your's and your B/F (intended's) decision to marry. AND, you may be disappointed if they do not. BUT, to make it a condition of your marrying is to subborn your life to their consent ... and that's an almost-certain recipe for misery.....
Grow up.....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 December 2011):
Why do you have to tell them now ? why don't you wait until you have the actual,real possibility to get engaged , and then married within a reasonably short time ?
Otherwise it will be a bit like when you were 10 and you told them you want to be a rockstar , or an astronaut.
Maybe they reacted annoyed ,rolled their eyes and told you to be realistic ,probably it's not gonna happen. Or maybe they smiled affectionately, and said : sure honey, that's nice , now go play with your Barbies.
I mean, come on, the BOY is eighteen,yes he's still a boy, no matter how smart and mature is. His life has still to unfold , and before he has the means to make your dream come true, it may take him ( and you ) down very different paths .
Sure , I have no doubt that there are couples who got together as teens and then got married and STAYED married, but they are the exception, not the rule. Stats are clear.
So I feel it's a bit premature making a big official fuss about something that might quite possibly not happen.
You'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there. In the meantime, let your bf continue " working " at asserting himself as mature and capable, so that your parents may warm up to him, and for evident good reasons.
If you hit rough patches in past, with subsequent, I guess, tears and moods and dramas your parents had to witness, how do you want your parents to be wildly enthusiastic about someone who made their " baby " sufffer? It's normal that they are wary and protective ! That's what parents are for !
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