A
female
age
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*lanter99
writes:I have been married 18 years to a great man...he's my knight in shinning armor. He's been a great father to my two boys from a previous marriage and our own two boys (yes, 4 boys) but I'm having some issues with him wanting to have access to my mother's bank account. There's nothing under handed going on...there's no money there, believe me. He worked on Wall street for 20 years and see's himself as a financial 'expert'...He has always had control of 'our' money as I came out of a marriage where there was no money and only bills to pay and I was in charge of it all. I have access to all accounts, so I can see what's going on. I just feel this is the last thing in my life that I have control over that he doesn't have the login and password to...we read each other's emails and he knows my passwords to everything...He wants to see what her expenses etc are...I pay her bills and credit card, which he will also have access to after this (info only). I just don't want to have to answer to him about why I did this or that...I have to do that enough as it is. I don't have any good answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): What surprises me is the fact that he actually wants access to you moms account.Why does he want to do it.
You simply say ,no, this is one thing i am taking care of, end of conversation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2009): Well, considering it's your mothers account and not yours, who would you think benefits from this? Yes I understand that you want something you are in control of, but this isn't about you. It's about your mother and what's best for her. Now are you reluctant to hand him access to the account because you do a good enough job as it is, or because you know he'll do a better job at it?
If you believe it's in your mothers best interest that you handle her account, then you do it. If it's not, then you are letting your own desires control your mothers account, which is unfair to her. Would your mother rather have you control her account or your husband?
It's fine that you want to control some of your own economy. But this isn't your economy, it's your mothers. Rather let him get access to your mothers account, and then take control over your own money from here on. And even if you are a stay at home mother with no income on the check, you are still working, and have a legitimate claim to control, or at least participate in, the control of your family finances. You should have a set amount that YOU run too.
In dependency is great. Some of us need it more than others, but without some independence we might end up as less of the person we are inside. So fight for the things you should be in control of. But your mothers account, it's not yours. It's your mothers, so let her decide?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 December 2009):
 You might just tell him the truth; you'd like having one thing that you are responsible for and don't want to be second-guessed or micromanaged by him. I understand your wishes; he's probably feeling left out and itchy that he can't manage that for you. Just be gently honest about your feelings; I don't see why he should have a problem with that.
Your alternative is to tell him that your mother has expressed a preference for her financial information to be kept private to her blood-relatives only. It is after all, your mother's perogative as to who has access to the accounts. I doubt my mother would like having my husband be all in her business, questioning any expenses she might have. Saying your mother has objected to him having access might take the onus off you not wanting to come clean for the real reason, but then you have to make sure your mother is aware of your explanation to him.
I think being honest with him would be your best bet, especially if you are feeling as though you've lost control of other aspects of your financial life. Maybe this is the real issue and needs addressing before it becomes a bone of contention or a source of smoldering resentment.
Good luck!
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