A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was sexually abused over a period of four years, I was eight years old when this took place. I lost my Mother at the age of twelve. After my Mother's death my Father used to suggest that I invite a group of girlfriends over for the weekend, he would then insist on us all getting into the bathtub together and he would bath us. This was very embarrassing for me and my friends, needless to say they never came back and I lost friends as a result of this. He thought it quite in order to fondle me whenever the desire arose. I was wondering if this has had an affect on me in so far as my sexual relationships. When I left home at the age of nineteen, I met a guy through my sister, I liked him allot, but kept him at a distance, my sister said that I would have to allow him to have sex as I would not keep him, he would look elsewhere, because that is what they wanted. After a period of time I allowed it to happen. As a result of that, I found it easier to sleep with the next one. Would things have been different had I not had the sexual abuse and been encouraged by my sister. I now have great regrets and wish I had never allowed it. What do I say to my husband one day?
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male
reader, soon567  +, writes (21 November 2010):
Sweetie listen to me what happen to you was a tragedy and as a man I wouldn’t hold that against you. If you listen to people that tell you to without information or hold off in hopes that he loves you enough to overlook it is totally wrong. What you will do is build a wall is untrustworthiness that may never be undone or at least with him. Relationship should be built on trust and understanding. Not on the need to know basis, guys ask questions and some ask way to late throwing everything out of whack. Would you really want to be with someone you knew in his heart couldn’t accept or understand what you went through? Would you like to spend two to five years with him and conceived children with this man and then he learns of your past, yet he can’t accept you. Find a guy that will accept the whole you. Don’t look for one that that you have to build a person to be in order to be with him.A lot of females that were abused before preteen become very sexually active and a lot of them disassociate it with feelings other than doing it for acceptance. I think you were lucky to escape that part of it.“What do I say to my husband one day?” Be open and honest at the start and not only would you get a husband, but you may even get a friend.There will be guys that will walk away from this and those you really don’t want anyway, coz if they’re walk in the beginning , they walk later as well.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 No one knows if things would have turned out differently. You and your sister were misguided. Admittedly, a lot of men are only after sex but, those are the ones you should NOT keep.
Deny them of sex until you find a good man who loves you and does not lust after you. It will be alright though, you have lived and learned and now you are free to grow. What happened to you does not change who you are and your future husband should see that. Your future husband should be decent enough to wait until YOU are ready. If he shows you how passionate he is about making you happy, you will know that you have found someone worth keeping. Whether or not you should tell him, that is a choice you have to make on your own.
Telling him will make him aware of why you may have problems sometimes. He may also not know how to handle it and in the end he may distance himself from you. If you do choose to tell him, you would have already found out quite a lot about him, you would have already been able to predetermine his reaction if you know him well enough. Tell him if sex becomes a problem, if it is necessary or one day, if you trust him enough, if you feel you need to.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 I would discourage you from telling. Your husband is not going to be more loving knowing this. Most men find it hard to deal with this. All he could say to you is "I am never going to hurt you or do something that makes you uncomfortable." What more can he do? Of course if you sense that he's too dominating and you always find yourself bending to his will in order to keep him then the problem is you. Sex is important in a relationship, but you should only do it because your body wants it, not because you want to please a guy.
In other words, a sexual abuse may or may not affect your ability to enjoy sex, or how a man treats you, but it may make you more vulnerable to men who manipulate you through sex. So it's who you choose to be with, and not whether he should know or not.
I am not a man. I imagine if a guy telling me from the beginning of the relationship that he had been abused, I would respond to him "everything will be okay." But deep down inside I may suspect that he would have problems with intimacy, erection in the future should he suffer from a relapse of a bad memory, or we have problems in the relationship. If he has no problems performing in bed whatsoever, and doesn't seem to be bothered by his past, then I would rather not know it. Would that change my mind of not wanting to marry him? It may not, but it certainly would add some mental barriers.
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A
female
reader, Sarahh._x  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 i was abused for 3 years, and i told my partner outright. its the only way they understand.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 November 2010):
 you shouldnt marry a man that cant accept you.what happened to you was wrong.. but bad things happen its apart of life. i think at your age you should focus on your schooling and career, a husband should be along way off.
an don blame your sister she was just trying to help you the only way she knew..
You dont have to tell anyone about your past.. im not saying lie to a guy but he cant do anything about what happen so telling him is pointless. just live your life if you folllow God and your hot im sure you will be led to the rite man
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