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female
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*ystic_helper
writes: Ok so I have an issue. I asked a while ago about what I should do about my parents desintergrating relationship and how to deal with it. Its been 8 months now and I feel so...overwhelmed.All I've done is be there for my mum and done the hoousework, looked after my brothers, dried her tears etc...I havent ever expressed how I feel about the whole situation as I feel like I have to be strong for my mum..BUT..any time I get upset or sink into a slight mood about whats going on at home (dad never has time for us anymore etc) my mum acts like I'm being selfish, as if I dont have a right to be upset.Now this is my question, how do I talk to my mum, telling her how I feel and that I feel like shes taken me for granted without sounding selfish or it turning into a blazing row?! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2006): Mom and Dad's marriage is in trouble and Mom is feeling very unlovable,lost-she's struggling and she likely feels her life is unraveling. Sometimes young person like yourself, will find that household responsibilitie's do increase at times of family strife like this. But chores should be assigned that are age appropriate and you should be shown appreciation for your contributions. But the most important thing is...parents must always avoid using teenagers as confidants with their marriage problems Unfortunately your Mom has made you her 'sounding board' and she's forgotten to keep it together for her family. Some women crumble emotionally at times like this and some can be strong and do sharpen their parenting skills in helping their children through a difficult time like this. They find other ways to deal with their emotional stress (eg: counseling, good friends, adult family members) However, you are right, she should not be doing this, as it's making you feel like the 'weight of the world is on your shoulders'. I think you do need to sit her down and talk with her, calmly. If you feel you can't say things to her, why don't you write a loving note to her which then can open it up for further discussion. Start by telling her you love her and that you realize life is hard for her. Then tell her:
"I need both of you and Dad to stay involved in my life. Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to always agree on family matters related to me and our family's needs. When you are upset with Dad and you tell me about it, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other. I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are putting me down and expecting me to take your side. Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you."
This is hard for you and I think you must be an amazing young lady to help your family. One builds character by responding positively and proactively to the tough life situations one faces. If it will make you feel better, all this responsibility and sacrifices you are making for your family now, will add a compassionate, gracious character that will enhance and support you throughout your life. They don't teach that in school. Hang in there, hun and I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, mystic_helper +, writes (29 June 2006):
mystic_helper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits me who wrote the question, i tried to talk to her, all she did was say ' i dont need this' and told me to shut up. i cant get a word in edgeways. giving up
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A
female
reader, trusting friend +, writes (29 June 2006):
personally i think you should sit your mum down and talk about whats happening, once you have started on the topic of feelings you should clearly tell her that you are in the middle of this and that you are hurting and upset aswell and but you have to carry on for the rest of the family
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