A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I are very different people and we get on really well, even though I no longer see her very often. We have been friends for years. A year ago I helped her get close to a guy she liked who I liked at the same time. Things did not work out between them and then six months later that guy became my boyfriend (still is.) My best friend by this point was dating another guy and assured me that she was completely over my now boyfriend, who also assured me he had no interest in my best friend either.However, my boyfriend and my best friend remained close and often hang out just the two of them and sometimes don't tell me about it. We tried to hang out as the three of us before, but they would usually get real close and talk about mutual friends or experiences and I often felt left out and unable to join in. My sister once commented, its like the two of them are going out instead. I have tried talking about this with them however they clearly decided it was just easier if they didn't invite me when the two of them hung out. Often they will be out together at night or go over to my best friends house in the evenings.I don't know what to do. I feel really jealous that my best friend hangs out with my boyfriend more than she does me, even though we have been friends for seven years. My boyfriend will also say sometimes that he doesnt have time to hang out with me, then I hear that they have been together. I know that they used to like each other which doesn't make me feel good, especially as my best friend is very attractive and fun and often hooks up with guys, while I am quiet and plain. What should I do? How can I talk to them about this? It's not like I can stop them hanging out, what is more likely to happen is that they just won't tell me, or I could potentially I'll lose my friendship and/or relationship, especially as I am moving to the other end of the country in a week and I will rarely see any of them from now on, but they will continue to live just down the road from each other. I know I should trust them, and I do trust both of them completely with most things, but I have seen the way they hang out and how much fun they have together.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2017):
 They are hiding it from you and that is never okay. They are both being dishonest and off course that is going to leave you worried and confused.
I guess the issues stems back from when YOU tried setting them both up and then afterwards hooked up with him. I think deep down you are worried he will end things with you to then go back to her. It really does look like a love triangle. They should not lie about hanging out, it is dishonest and will break the trust between you all.
You need to sit down with your boyfriend and best friend and tell them how it feels when they lie to you. It is horrible and you do not deserved to be treated like that. You cannot stop them hanging out, but if he puts hanging out with her before you then I honestly think you need to question how important you are to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): I think this is completely and utterly inappropriate for the two of them to be doing. They both owe their loyalty to YOU and to you alone. The girl you have done so much for in the past and been friends with for 7 years? She has NO business ever hanging out with your boyfriend alone, especially not in "evenings" at one of their places. She does not sound like a friend at all. And your boyfriend honestly sounds like a total jerk. The two of them talked so much together and sidelined you whenever you went out in a group? Just who is the couple here? I think it seems like they are more a couple than you two. I think your boyfriend shows you 0 respect. Both of them sneak around behind your back and don't even tell you about it. Nor does your bf make time for you. I don't understand why you would ever in a million years stay with this man. Besides, you are moving to the other side of the country, I really don't think your relationship is going to work long distance when it barely works now. They will become an item when you move away, I guarantee you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (19 February 2017):
Firstly, you don't have to pursue this guy. If he is not giving you the attention you deserve you can bounce. You aren't committed to him. He should be making time for you, and that is given.
Secondly, this may seem weird at first, but these sort of things can happen when you choose to date your friend's ex(es). Yes, people can be over each other, but they wont pretend to be blind to the fact that they had history. It could be that they make bad partners but have been used to being around each other.
It's not a huge deal, just dump him and find someone else who treats you equally.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017): Typos:
" both of them if makes you feel uncomfortable"
...it makes you feel uncomfortable
"then you maybe you must remove yourself."
...then maybe you must remove yourself
Sorry about the typographical errors!
You shouldn't put yourself down or compare your looks to other girls. Dating a friend's ex isn't always the best of choices. They could reconcile at some point, or the friend may be jealous and placing herself as a wedge between you. Passing boyfriends back and forth destroys the best of girlfriends or sisters. Funny how the guy never gets the blame, the girls go at each other.
I may be wrong, but I think she may be working at pulling you both apart; because it doesn't sit well with her that he's dating you in particular. If she knows you liked him before; then she may feel you just waited for them to breakup so you could get your turn. She isn't going to admit that. As I said before, teenagers don't always admit what they're up to.
You might have considered that before dating someone who broke-up with your best friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017): The friendship between your boyfriend and girlfriend would be fine except for the fact they would hang-out and not tell you; and the fact both used to date.
Teenagers are not good at looking at how things appear, and they aren't good at being totally honest about what they're up to. The two girls and one guy scenario seldom works out. The guy is always the one who benefits; while the girls are suspicious or get jealous of each other. They start to compete for attention.
I wouldn't say your sister was instigating anything, she just made an observation. Appearances would seem they are getting pretty close; but not being absolutely truthful about what it means. History and all that doesn't justify leaving you out and dismissing your feelings about it.
Your boyfriend knows he's in the middle here, and he should make sure you don't feel like a third-wheel. I guess you put yourself in a predicament by dating your best friend's ex. In teenage relationships, the complications usually arise when jealousy gets in the midst of them.
If you've already indicated to both of them if makes you feel uncomfortable and left-out; yet nobody seemed to be bothered by it. Then you have to make the decision if you want to continue dating the guy. You can't stop them from seeing each other; but you can stop them both from seeing you.
Sharing the same guy sucks, especially when you're not sure of what's going on. If I was in this situation, I would dump the boyfriend and wouldn't care if I ever saw either of them again. I'd get over him and start seeing someone else. If you can't face this without feeling jealous and he isn't going out of his way to reassure you; then you maybe you must remove yourself.
I see no other option; since you can't stop them from being friends, or whatever you want to call it.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (19 February 2017):
 I agree thinking it's really odd behaviour.
I always go with the philosophy of if you have to keep something secret then you probably shouldn't be doing it. Your BF and best friend meeting up and saying it was easier to not tell you seems really shady in my opinion.
Who knows what they're up to, maybe they are telling the truth and it's nothing but platonic but you're never going to know the truth and I think you're always going to have doubts even if you say you believe them.
Neither are showing great loyalty to you and I think it's weird that your BF has no time for you yet can hang out with your best friend. If I were you I'd be questioning whether I need these kind of people in my life that we're going behind my back and keeping their hanging out secret.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 February 2017):
 Well yes it would bother me if I were you! Because they are leaving you out conveniently and by what you say, it does sound like they're more of a couple than you and your boyfriend. Would your boyfriend be OK with it if the shoe was on the other foot? If you were leaving him out and hanging out with his best friend and knowing that you had shared some kind of a romantic past with the guy? That's really asking for way too much!
With you out of the scene, that'll be together when more. I really don't know how anyone would be comfortable with this arrangement!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2017): I'm going to totally disagree and say I don't think you're being mean or jealous . Jealous over what .. how can anyone make that assumption . Anyway .. I feel you have every right to be feeling that nagging in your stomach . I mean closing you out .. sneaking of and seeing each other and not being upfront ? And really you class these two as a friend and a boyfriend .. in my honest opinion sorry honey I feel your friend female enjoys the fact she can make your bf blow you of and yet spend time with her it's an ego boost , she seem to have forgotten the girl loyalty card as in where is your and her time .. really ? They spend time together evening together, close you out when out and talk about experiences things you know nothing of .. how absolutely rude and ignorant of them . I would make this time away a break .. I would be seeking new friends and new boyfriend . Leave these two to it haha Being plain if you are and I doubt it .. you just maybe don't know what hair cut suits you right or how to wear makeup correctly so treat yourself before you go .. get down the hair dressers. Get a make over . I find when I wear makeup I'm me just more confident one . These people are not friends in my eyes and not bf material .. It will sting for a while so seek support with your sister who I think is trying to protect you .Sometime we just have to move on Take care chin up cx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 February 2017):
 I think you are letting your sisters cruel comment ruin this for you. Your siste had no business judging your relationship and friendship by saying something like that. Honestly, I think she said it because she is jealous of you, thats usually the reason why people say cruel and unecessary things like that. I mean, what was the point of dragging your relationship down by saying it appears as the two of you are not dating, and then implying that he appears to be dating your friend? Such a strange thing to say. And such a comment would bother me too, but I think your frustration and insecurity should be directed at your SISTER and why she feels a need to try and sabotage your relationship.
So your boyfriend and best friend get on well and are friends. You know what? That is the dream scenario for 99% of people in relationships. Why is it a dream scenario? Because for most part, the best friend and the new partner end up in conflict because either the best friend wants more time with you, or the partner wants more time with you, and they both end up resenting each other because they can't get along and they don't like how the other steals up your time. That's USUALLY how it is, and it's a source of drama and conlifct and arguments in almost all relationships.
I've rarely had relationships where the best friend/new girlfriend (me) didn't end up in conflict. Also, my best friends and boyfriends have usually taken zero interest in one another, which makes hanging out as a group impossible.
Now, I know you said it's difficult to hang out with them together now as well, because they talk about mutual friends of theirs that you do not know. In this case, it is because your friend and boyfriend already knew each other before you became the girlfriend. They have shared history, and they had a friendship prior to you. This is something that you need to respect and accept. It's not been that long, you will get to know these same mutual friends eventually yourself. Also, you are all so young, and its so typical of teenagers to not think about courtesy and including others in conversation (some people never learn to do this). But not being good at including you does not mean THEY are doing things behind your back, or that you should feel uneasy about them being friends. It just means they still have some growing up to do.
My suspicion is that you haven't seen your best friend as much lately as you used to, because both she and you have a relationship now. A very common mistake for young people, is to neglect their friendships once they find a romantic partner.
I think you should stop focusing on your boyfriend and friend having a friendship, and put more energy into nurturing your own friendship with your best friend. It sounds like it is a bit neglected. Spend more quality time with her, do fun things with her. Maybe include your boyfriend in YOUR activities, rather than try to get included in THEIR activities, if you understand the difference.
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