A
female
age
26-29,
*abby5SOS
writes:Okay, I'm going to try and make this short. I like the foreign exchange student, he's absolutely gorgeous, from Italy. Now I don't only like him because he's gorgeous. He seems so sweet and nice, very friendly. But I haven't talked to him, and I can't. I have social anxiety disorder, so it makes talking to him extremely difficult. I can't just approach him, he'll think I'm weird. Especially with his friends. And even if I did talk to him, he probably wouldn't even like me back, I'm ugly. I feel and am ugly. I just want a chance with him. My friend actually talks to him a bit, he's in her pre cal class. Oh today was a good day though because he actually sat at our table to talk to some of his friends that sit at our table. We were really close and I didn't even notice till my friend told me by banging on the table. Just something that little make me super happy. I also have this feeling that he knows, we just make a ton of eye contact and I can't tell if it's awkward or not. I told my friend my feeling of him knowing and she told me not to worry because "boys are clueless". The question is how can I be with him, or at least talk to him? Thank you xx (Sorry for rambling)
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (21 November 2015):
 Like Wise owl said, if you know you're socially anxious then you can't just overcome it overnight, you need to talk to someone- although there are different types of anxiety, they' all involve LOTS of negative thinking patterns e.g. Mind reading, ( e.g. you convince yourself you KNOW how someone perceives you) all or nothing thinking etc... Research CBT training and negative thought patterns- you'll understand your anxiety a bit more..I used to be so anxious it would take me 10 minutes to pluck up the courage to ask for the time! To people I saw everyday! Had one friend in the whole year! But I overcame it through going to my GP, who should treat it as the curable disorder it is- not the disabling condition that feels as though it 10 times worse than I really is! I think deep down you know you're attractive in some way- (you might not be a model- or you might be but can't see it (AND looks only partly contribute to being attractive) or you wouldn't even have the notion of attempting to talk to this guy... )) You point blank would write it off as a lost cause. You need more confidence and More self esteem! Never think of someone as "out of your league" or unobtainable in this way, because they're just PEOPLE, who like to pig out, laze around, make mistakes and have weaknesses. ANYONE who believes they are better than their partner I.e. Can do better- really isn't the catch they think they are, and fool people into believing! As for talking to this guy, start with small talk- small observations- so what if you sound a bit weird, if you think it's an ice breaker or even remotely interesting, do it- nobody should live on small talk but is necessary in very early stages of talking to anyone... It just relaxes things- and if there's attraction on both sides, the person will be happy to start a conversation- WHATEVER the conversation is about... Rather than obsessing over how you come across during a conversation, a common and great tip is to FOCUS that intensity on listening to what the other person is saying- it will come across in your face and body language- anyone will feel flattered that what they're saying is being considered and appreciated if someone listens to them in this way- not many people are great listeners- it's an EXTREMELY likeable quality- bMORE attractive than someone who just cracks jokes and witticisms and loves the sound of their own voice right! Even when you overcome your social anxiety, you will likely still be more shy, withdrawn around men... But if you research how to talk to men if shy, there is LOADS of stuff online.... LOADS of people have this problem.Also like wise owl said, this guy may notice you- and that you're shy... So he's probably apprehensive and maybe quite unsure about how to talk to you, whether he likes you or not- us shy girls don't make it that easy lol! We do come across as closed off so be more open with your body language and out him at ease.Remember you do need to get some sort of talking therapy- CBT is good- not just for men but for EVERYTHING. it will change your perceptions of things...and stop you getting too upset over things that are in your head..Anyway good luck! this is probably an essay! Lol :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): You're not making any sense. Are you asking how can you be with someone without them knowing it? I guess you have to challenge your social anxiety disorder and open your mouth and say something to the guy. If you know you have this disorder, than you must be under some kind of therapy for it. If not, why not?
Telling yourself you're ugly and trying to see yourself through the eyes of other people makes no sense either.
You can't read his mind, so you have no idea what he thinks of you. That's what you'll find out when you open your mouth and speak to him. Otherwise; let your anxiety disorder rule your life and always sit around hoping and wishing some guy will magically notice and like you; while you're crushing on the inside, and making nothing apparent on the outside. You have to find ways of getting his attention. If he has been close by you, he picks up that you're shy. So he doesn't want to put you on the spot. He has sat near you just to make you feel more at ease with his presence. People instinctively do that when they sense your anxiety or shyness; like when you reach out to feed a timid bird, or approach a shy little child. You allow them to warm up to you, before you make a move of any kind.
Why don't you let your friend introduce you to him. She seems only too happy to sit and watch you silently flip-out when he's near you, instead of helping you to connect. Some friend!
Gather a tiny bit of courage and say hello. Mention he's in your friend's class, and see if that will spark any conversation between you. Once the ice is broken, he will seem more like a human being than a god. It's better to judge people by how they "actually" react to you, not by how you think they might react. You need the practice. You also need to learn how to master your anxieties; so you can make friends with guys. You're too old to be secretly crushing, when you can speak to people. Just like when you interact with your teachers in class. If they ask you a question or speak to you, do you not answer them?
Never be intimidated by someone's physical appearance, or belittle yourself for any reason. Never assume people only like you for how you look, not for who you are. Most of all, don't prejudge people you do not know.
You have a friend, somehow you made that happen. Use the same effort and method you used to connect with her on him, and see how it goes. Even if he doesn't think you're pretty (which you have no way of knowing); he will know you're a sweet person, and will like you for that. More could come of it than you may ever know. You have to try first.
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