A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:He never hit me, true. But I came to realize that even though I am not afraid of him, I do (or refrain from doing) certain things to avoid his reaction, be it impatience, lecturing or anger.Let's start with anger, he yells when he's mad. I hate that and told him that a million times. He says he can't help it and always apologizes afterwards, but unfortunately cannot undo the effects his yelling has on me. It stresses me not just because I find it aggressive but because we cannot communicate normally.Lecturing. He calmly explains his opinions, attitudes etc. It last very long and I cannot get a word in. On the surface he usually gives sound advice, but for certain issues I know that he's motivated by something else and not just my well-being. E.g. he's being really obsessed by eating "healthy"and exercising. He himself doesn't have to worry about calories because he's got crazy fast metabolism and loves running. I say "healthy" because I noticed that in his book it means thin. As long as I'm thin for longer periods of time, he loses interest in what I eat and how much I exercise. The moment I gain a couple of pounds, he starts watching what my plate and asks about my training routine and overall gives lectures. The same goes for his obsessions regarding our car (how I close the door), our shower (it's a bit broken) etc. The list is long. I always knew he had a problem with obsessive behavior, but it's been difficult for me to deal with it because his energy is stronger and he simply overrides me on most of the things. Not to mention that often he says I provoke him (when I defend my opinions) and lecturing turns into anger. Impatience. Whenever there is something he's not interested in, or something he cannot understand, he disconnects. It takes him forever to answer my questions or he stops listening altogether.I have noticed that he uses these tree types of behavior also when he wants to have his way. In order to prevent me from saying "no", he may start with lecturing than move towards impatience (once I manage to get a word in) and finish with anger.We moved to another country (where he went to school). Even though he complains that I haven't adjusted properly (I literally have NO friends here after 5 years), I can't help but notice that he profits from it, since my attention is focused on him and his needs. E.g. I work from home (and earn less than him), so somehow it is convenient that I do almost all the housework and cook (he even sometimes comes home for lunch!). If the apartment is a bit messy I get a lecture or anger. His rationale is that I am the one making the mess in the kitchen and should clean it up. My rationale is off course I am the one making the mess since I am the only one doing the cooking.His excuse is that he works so hard in the office he cannot do much else. Btw, we had the same routine when I was working form an office.Speaking of having no friends. Recently, we had to unsubscribe from our local theater, due to financial difficulties. Since he was not into it that much, it came as a relief. On the other hand, I used to go there often, even without him and now feel even more isolated. But I couldn't argue my point of view, because, as I said, he often has a point, and we have indeed financial problems (and I earn less although I work two jobs and have no weekends).We sometimes talk about all of this rationally, but nothing really changes for the better. Right now, I'm just tired and I often feel (even though I love him) that I would leave if it weren't for the obvious constraints (foreign country, no money). I think than on some level he knows that I'm cornered for the time being and I wonder if that's why he feels safe to treat me the way he does. His behavior has the opposite effect on me. Instead of motivating me, it deflates me. That is why I said I was tired.I've just read what I wrote, and it's true that it paints him in a rather poor light. He has so many qualities, but I wanted to point out the behaviors that made me wonder if he was being abusive.Also, it paints me in a bad light. I used to be more direct and energetic before I met him. During our relationship I developed certain habits that I downright hate, mostly passive aggressive behavior in order to do things I feel are right, but to avoid at the same time his anger or lecturing. E.g. his friend invites us for dinner. My husband wants to buy cheaper wine to save money. We don't drink anyhow, so he doesn't care. I buy the wine I know his friend likes for a reasonable price we CAN afford and let him believe that it was on sale. I try to avoid lying but, yes. I sometimes lie in these situations.I hate doing that. But as I said, I'm tired and I changed for the worse.My decision not to have kids is partially influenced by the fact that I still hope that we'll grow as a couple and find a common ground before we bring to this world a human we're completely responsible for. And I also know that right now, the way things are, I would be the only one taking care of that kid. I'm not sure he could be a good dad and I'm not sure I could be a good mother the way I am now - walking on eggshells around my husband.Wow, it turned out to be a rather long post. Thanx for your input.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): Your husband has the type of personality that is domineering and quite controlling! He knows if he acted like this when he met you, you wouldn't stick around- so it's probably got worse over the years- the more and more you let him get away with, the more he'll push it! My friend is in a similar situation. Is he at this point the same man you married ?? Probably not right! You have a good head on your shoulders so don't mug yourself off- stop letting him treat you like a naughty child, or a mental punchbag! You also have legs to walk out the door, enough resourcefulness and dynamism (you work from home and make your money in a very independent way) to not be subjected to living a weary life where all you get is neglect and a kick in the face- rather than someone that actually appreciates you, complements you and ENRICHES your life- not someone that wears you down and, even In your own view makes you miserable and hinders you becoming a better person- btw putting up with abuse or mistreatment Doesn't make you a stronger, better person, as I think you realise, it just means your selling yourself short- not doing yourself any favours, how can you become a better person this way? He may have SOME good in him but it's not worth it! The first poster had some good advice about taking to a solicitor- getting a divorce may seem steep, but what's the alternative? You don't need to be a battered wife to get a divorce.. Taking the risk of living a life with this guy and having children- when the alarms are going off? That's a bad call. If there are two paths, and one is rickety and dangerous, why take it? That's why I think divorce is the best call! Clean break..Good luck anyway,
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2015): I would have a heart of stone if i couldnt find an answer..so expect a few more replies from others to roll in.
You want support..you'll get support in a way that may shock and shake your married complacency ..but beware..once you open up pandoras box it can be hard to close it again.
Your hubby is a petty picky cantankerous ol man.
You sound like you want to dissolve like a disprin..open the flood gates and dish the dirt on him and let it all out..
Is this the lifestyle you wanted when you got married?
You chose this guy for reasons of your own when he,was at his most charming.
Now you are feeling totally bowed by your ruler and master and his constant dripping and picking is getting you down.
You can divorce him if you want ..and personally i think it would shake up your unhappy life quite a bit.
Is he your meal ticket or are you just feeling undervalued?
Exactly how unhappy are you?
Stop buying his stupid requirements at a fictitious price and tell him "get it yourself..im on a break from shopping!"
Stop being a doormat in the name of but-i-love- him and tell him its time he faced reality.
But hang on a minute.
If your same miserable fella was having an affair would you be on this site moaning and groaning and shaking your chains or would you be rubbing your hands in happiness about the prospect of a new life for yourself and the chance to get a favourable divorce settlement.
You can see a solicitor to talk divorce.
He doesnt have to hit you for you to walk free.
See if the solicitor thinks you have reasonable grounds for a divorce.
You dont even need reasonable grounds..you just tell the soli itor you want out because you are incompatible.
Solicitors will always take on a case because its their bread and butter.
Some even passionately believe that no one should be incarcerated in an unhappy or loveless marriage.
You can move on.
You can go back home to where your friends are.
You can tell them it just wasnt the same after the happy glo wore off and you can reimburse them for the wedding gifts they got after your financial settlement came through.
You can hold a divorce party with your female friends and watch a film and drop pizza crumbs on the floor that no one will notice orcomment on.
You can leave the dishes to morning and no one will care.
Its your life..or have you forgotton that inyour quest to prop up your alpha male.
You might discover how pleasant it us to have a beta male later in life..you know the knd sort who doesnt have to run his ass of in order to keep in king pin slot.
You can eat what you like and di what you like.
Beta males laugh with you and not at you.
They have heard of the word kind.
They dont need to be domineering.
But there may be worse out there yet ..and some are downright killers.
I am thinking you could do with a change if man, a change of scene and a change of lifestyle but its your decision.
You have every right to explore all the options abd make an informed decision for yourself.
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