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female
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anonymous
writes: Me and my boyfriend are constantly arguing these days. Its nothing major, usually a spat that lasts 10 minutes and its always petty but its really making both of us fed up and im scared it will finally push him away. Im trying to not saying anything when they start so as not to provoke but I feel like im giving into him and laying down. Is this the right way to go? For example he invited me round last night and when I arrived at 8pm, he was still painting his hallway. I said hello etc and went and read my book in the lounge. I asked how the hallway was looking and he said if I had bothered to get off my bum and go and look instead of just ignoring him, I would see for myself. I said that I didnt want to disturb him and what did he expect me to do so he said I could at least go and chat to him. So out I went and started a conversation to which I just got one word answers so I gave up. Its so infuriating as all our rows are like this, short and sweet, so why do we do it. I want to stop them but dont want to be seen as a pushover. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2006): It is a clear case of re-acting to what is being said and no real listening is going on. Poopy.
You should of have said, you are right, I should just get off my butt and come take a look and I wasn't ignoring you but I could see how you could take it as that.
Walk over and give him a hug and say sorry, I should have hugged and kissed you hello and offered to help paint. Would you like me to help?
You should have started asking silly questions...do you think that your Grandma should cut her hair into a mohawk? Should his one guy friend start dating his other guy friend? What do you think their children would look like?
Are you sure you will look like a pushover or a smart woman who knows when to not fight and just listen?
Somewhere you both hit a bump and still are caught up on it. How was the first major issue addressed? Was their closure? Did both of you assume responsibility for your parts in the issue?
I think even now, you both are unwilling to assume your responsibilities in each row and this will continue unless you both do so and both work on changing this dynamic.
If you know he is provoking you; then don't give in.
Ever seen the Story About Us starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfiefer?
Two scenes I like:
One)When Bruce's character Ben Jordan finally is able to see from his wife's point of view.
Two) When Kate Jordan is able to see her husband's point of view.
With both views, we also see what really should matter in life.
Being together through good times and bad and loving one another every moment you have.
I suggest a tentative 12 sessions with a couple's couselor to address the breakdown in communication.
Also, "you will always be a vicitm if you cannot forgive"~ Stephen R. Covey from The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (16 August 2006):
 Talk to him and get to the root of these problems but not when a row has already started. It may mean another row may start from that conversation but better to have it under those circumstances. Smaller niggles may mean there's a bigger underlying problem and it's not necessarily you. If that doesn't help, the next time a row starts, just leave, walk away and don't get sucked into it.
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