A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop myself from becoming too emotionally attached to men? In the past year Ive had short relationships with 4 men and each one I really fell for. But then when we split it hurt like hell - even if I had only been with them a few weeks.Ive just split up with someone after 2 months and Im so upset, as I really really liked him. Someone told me I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve - but how do I do this? I know that when I do have a relationship with a man and I really like them then it is me who is under the thumb but its bugging me so much why Im like this way. My sister is completely different to me. She never chases men and she's never under the thumb and they seem to be wrapped round her little finger!!! She says the thing is to never chase them but I find it so hard not to call or text them to say sorry. Why??!!!! Im so tempted to text my ex now to see how he is but I know I shouldnt.My friends tell me that I am a pretty girl and I usually do get the man I want. But if this is the case then why do I latch onto that 1 man and feel like my world has ended when its over?!!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!
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female
reader, Lana1234  +, writes (3 October 2010):
OMG this subject is sooo frustratong for us females. I have been around the block a time or two and let me give you some advice......Sorry to say this but men for the most part are D U M B and clueless when it comes to having healthy relationships so we, women must teach them how by showing not telling them what they must do.#1. NEVER call him especially in the begining of the relationship and if he never calls you...thank God that he has spared you from waisting your time .#2. Let him know that you like him BUT NEVER say the other "L" word (love) before he does and DO NOT let yourself get emotionally attached until or unless he does. In the mean time keep your options open:)#3. No matter how difficult it becomes NEVER and I repeat NEVER let him see you in a weak emotional state as if you couldn't live without him. Keep your life full and busy.Hope these tips help someone. I have been through hell and back when it comes to relationships and have learned the hard way.
A
female
reader, Michelle49 +, writes (25 November 2009):
It's called limerence. We've all been through it. ID that subconscious self way back when (infant/child) you needed to have your needs met, and how you went about it (i.e., latching on, out of fear or anxiety of being left behind). Understand the implications of limerence and return to yourself and minimize/eradicate the personal self-disposition that keeps you latching on for dear life; and like your sister, let go.
Sincerely,
Michelle
HSM, LMT, NCTMB, US Navy (Ret)
Educator in the Health Sciences
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): I'm like that too!i don't know what exactly to tell you, as i struggle with the same thing. But just keep telling yourself things like, "why would you wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with you?" Plus, it is a commonly said thing, but Ibelieve it to be true that you can't ever learn to love someone else properly until you love yourself. Take some time off from the guy-chasing world, and give yourself at least a few months to be single and ENJOY it. Do fun things with your girlfriends, and take the time to look into yourself and explore who you really are as a person. You DONT need a man to complete you, and you don't need one to make you happy. Whats the rush?!
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A
female
reader, Mari_X +, writes (21 September 2008):
Sorry for your pain. Personally, I do not believe that American men have the capacity to love or to become emotionally attached to women. To thier stuff, yes, to their sports teams, yes, to thier jobs and money and houses and cars and dogs, yes.
I have had so many guys tell me that there are plenty of women "out there", to take, use and discard at their whim and will, why should they bother to be sincere or caring?
They will tell you that they love you, sure, to get into your pants and mess with your head, in a sadistic way, but they don't. You will be dumped just as soon as you become close to them. They simply can't be of any use, in a personal way, to anybody but thyemselves. In my opinion, American men are just too spoiled, selfish and greedy. That's only what I think, though. Your mileage may vary (doubt it very much). Find yourself a foreign dude and use him like American men use women. It's your only hope. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007):
First of all to just tell you to stop being like this emotional person just like that can also be counterproductive to your self esteem so seriously the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, You cant help the way you feel at the moment you’ve been hurt,
But seriously now, how can you expect Men to be kind and considerate of your feelings, when you’re not considerate of your own feelings?
True your sis is like this strong woman by nature but you can learn these techniques when you’re ready to as well,I sugest a break from relationship stuff for a bit to work on "the total you",
overcompensating never works and nobody knows this better then me its something I’m still working on but so far so good, buy a self help book like
“the rules” and practice them,
I’m feeling better about this now because Ive had some serious me time, and time with friends over the holidays and this has helped a lot so you’ve got to take some time to work on yourself Hun and (I know I repeat this in most of my answers) but maybe you should buy a hypnotherapy c.d. to help with your self esteem issues you can buy this from most good bookshops, this really works it’s the only thing that has help me release my inner confidence,
Good luck with this and be kind to yourself,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I used to be like this when i was younger, its no fun. It comes with confidence and age in some people, while others have it inbread in them. I hated that needy feeling and i was always saying sorry even when i wasnt in the wrong! Just make a point of not texting this one and saying sorry, walk away. You while feel like crap to start with by day by day you will feel good about yourself and then the confidence will build. Let them run after you. If they dont then they are not worth it and you do deserve better.
Take care and enjoy your freedom
xx
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A
female
reader, JackieR +, writes (16 September 2007):
 The only way you feel good about yourself is when your in the company of men. You need to validate yourself without seeking the approval of a man. Look at your sister and women like her, i bet they like themselves and treat themselves well but not to gain the attention of men but for their own well being.
I let you into a secret men love women who love themselves, and i don't mean in a big headed way, i mean being a woman who truely validates herself, who is independant, strong, knows her own mind, respects others and herself.
Once you start feeling good about yourself, and it's easier that you think, you will become more happier and relaxed and begin to love being in your own skin, and i will bet my months wages that men will be queing up to date you.
Next time you are on the internet, do yourself a massive favour and log on to www.datingwithoutdrama.com, belive me you will get your eyes opened to the world of dating.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Jenniefromtheblock  +, writes (16 September 2007):
You should perhaps firstly step back and assess yourself to see if you have any insecurity issues. Are you comfortabel with yourself? You say that people say that you are a pretty girl, but do you believe them? Love yourself first and know that you are special and any guy that does not see that, it is his loss, not yours.
Also, perhaps you become too intense with guys too quickly. Reveal too much personal information or issues/problems too quickly, act clingy, make demands etc. Guys interpret this as desperate and they run like hell when this happens. When a guy first meets you, he is usually interested in having fun, hanging out and getting to know you. He does not want to feel as if he is already in a committed, marriage-like relationship with you or he has to be dealing with your problems.
Try and create some mystery. Let the guys work for your attention and affection. Even when it is hard and killing you, do not return calls immediately or reveal your 'deepest, darkest secrets' in the first few months. Would you trust a salesman that will even give you a car free after you have refused to buy it?
I hope this helps...keep that guy guessing and wnating to come back for more
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): I understand you and feel for you. The reason you are responding this way towards men is because you are a bit low in self esteem where relationships are involved. You seem to get the men so why not relax and enjoy letting them chase you. They enjoy this and will think you are worth more if they do. I know it is the big ole double standard but in all the years of progress, some things still work the same. Men just don't like clingy women. Now that you are single again (and DON'T contact the ex's) try getting to know yourself and do nice things for you. Appreciate who you are and hold your head up high. Believe me I know, I just chased a wonderful man right out of my life. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Hi,I very much recognize what you are writing. I feel very much the same. I meet someone and I give my heart away completely and at once. Maybe an idea could be to practice to keep the feelings down. Occupy yourself with other things, like a hobby, spending time with friends or working out so that you will be busy and that way maybe it will be easier to keep yourself from contacting him all the time.As for the reason you are this way; in my case I believe it is very much about insecurity and low self esteem. I get the feelings that I’m totally unworthy if the man brakes up with me and this is connected with the good feelings that pop up when I get the attention from a man which make me feel very much worthy, loveable and like a very important person. All this leads to feelings of disaster when the relation ends! So if you are like me, it could be about self worth. Maybe it is something about your past? Did you feel rejected often or felt that your feelings weren’t very important when you were a child? What is your relationship to your family like? Can you talk to the elder women in your family about how their relationships with men used to be/are? It may sound weird, but sometimes there are clues in your family’s past to why you feel this way and you could find something there to work on, something that will help making you understand about yourself and your feelings. Maybe it is connected to your relationship with your father. The fact your sister is not like you doesn’t mean that you could have made other experiences as a child; we are all different in sensitivity. Also professional counseling could be of help, I did that and even though I don’t think I have managed to change how I feel and act, I feel that I have come a little bit further in understanding myself, which does help.I hope this helps a little, at least letting you know are not alone. I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): You should perhaps firstly step back and assess yourself to see if you have any insecurity issues. Are you comfortabel with yourself? You say that people say that you are a pretty girl, but do you believe them? Love yourself first and know that you are special and any guy that does not see that, it is his loss, not yours.Also, perhaps you become too intense with guys too quickly. Reveal too much personal information or issues/problems too quickly, act clingy, make demands etc. Guys interpret this as desperate and they run like hell when this happens. When a guy first meets you, he is usually interested in having fun, hanging out and getting to know you. He does not want to feel as if he is already in a committed, marriage-like relationship with you or he has to be dealing with your problems.Try and create some mystery. Let the guys work for your attention and affection. Even when it is hard and killing you, do not return calls immediately or reveal your 'deepest, darkest secrets' in the first few months. Would you trust a salesman that will even give you a car free after you have refused to buy it? I hope this helps...keep that guy guessing and wnating to come back for more
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A
female
reader, SusanFindsThe Answer +, writes (16 September 2007):
 You have self esteem issues which prevent you from seeing yourself as a valuable human being, and you also lack self respect.You need to take a long look at your sister's life and try to understand why you have issues which she does not.Were you treated differently by your parents?Men, (and women) will not treat someone badly if they respect that person. The only way to achieve this is to show your future boyfriends that you RESPECT YOURSELF!It's like a circle of power - you respect yourself, they respect you, and you therefore respect them.Dealing with your self esteem issues has to be the first step in how successful you are in any future relationship.Susan
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