A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I guess a good place to start is with my question.. How can I stop myself falling for someone so easily?I'm a 20 year old guy I actually think I'm a decent looking guy and Im happy about the way I look but whenever I get into a relationship my confidence in myself seems to dwindle to zero. Since a young age I knew I was gay, had no interest in girls not even as friends and I found it pretty difficult to deal with in my teenage years. I even joined the Army hoping to somehow be happy with myself. Ironically I found my first serious partner when I was in the Army, he wasn't a soldier but someone I'd met when on leave. Things got serious and I decided to leave my career as a soldier and move in with him (I'd only met him 4 or 5 times but we'd been chatting for months). I guess looking back I shouldn't have moved in with him but we actually had a good relationship and he is the one person I've ever felt loved by. However about 2 years into the relationship I started to get frustrated, annoyed by the fact he wouldn't get a job and he had anxiety issues that would annoy me to high hell. Then out of the blue I get a message from a guy on facebook who wants to chat, normally I ignore these kind of messages but he was incredibly attractive and the thrill some intrest gave me a buzz. We started messaging and texting regularly. One night my partner found the messages and read through weeks of conversations he confronted me straight away and I was mortified. I HATED myself I know people will think I was just embarrassed that I was caught. But it took being caught for me to wake up to reality. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn't believe what I had done. He eventually forgave me and we tried to move on, but the damage was done. The trust was broken and despite already being in debt. I moved out and got into a flat on my own. Hundreds of miles away from my family and just sitting in a dark cold flat I broke down in tears every night. I felt too proud to go back home to mum and live there so I just struggled on. Eventually I got into a new relationship, it lasted about 4 months but ended when I was cheated on. As much as it hurt to get cheated on I knew I deserved every minute of the pain, I deserved nothing better. More days went by and I painted a fake smile on my face for work. I was sleeping, eating working, sleeping for weeks no social life no television. Nothing. Finally feeling strong enough to go looking for someone to spend time with I end up in another relationship and I feel lucky as hell when I find him, he is amazing, great looking and an incredible personality I fell in love with him after days. I had the best feeling ever about him I was sure he was the one. Then we went on holiday and he cheated on me 6 times. 3 times I was just feet away from him.I was absolutely devastated I felt so weak and worthless I looked at myself in the mirror and wondered what it was that people couldn't be happy with? Was I going to spend the rest of my life paying for a mistake I would never do again? I wanted to just end life there and stop hurting. I made a promise to myself to stop trying to find love. Just accept that I'm going to spend life alone.In August 2011 I decided I was going to move back home to my mums in January. The following months I prepared myself for the move and arrange a transfer at work. I put a little status on my facebook explaining my intentions. A few hours later I checked my phone to see I had a message from a guy who lives near my mum - where I'd be moving to. I ignored it for days but eventually replied. We had so much in common and we phoned each other for hours on end every night I planned a weekend away so that I could go up and meet him, and It was surreal I felt so safe and the second I saw him I gave my heart to him. He knew all about my past and swore to me he could never cheat on me and he would give me everything I deserve he spoiled me rotten. I felt on top of the world I felt like everything I had suffered had finally gone and life was looking good for the new year. I was so keen to get back up that I moved early.We spent every second with each other hugging and kissing and just talking about life. It was like he was my clone SO much in common and I felt perfect and I had the most positive feeling about him. Something told me he was the one and he was going to be there forever. He often spoke about getting married and never leaving my side. Anyway weeks have gone by and it comes to present day. We go out last night for New Years Eve celebrations. I had been sick all morning due to a flu but decided to go out anyway. We had a great time until my partner bumped into his ex boyfriend. I went to the bar to get some drinks and when I came back my boyfriend was gone. I went outside to see if he's gone for a cigarette and then I saw him in the corner snogging the face of his ex boyfriend. Time just froze and my stomach churned like it's never churned before devestated is not the world I was actually paralyazed with pain. When he saw me he pushed his ex boyfriend off him and denied anything happened. He was very, very drunk so for the rest of the night I convinced myself it was just a drunken mistake. As the night went on he got worst, he was just snogging and feeling up everyone and anyone who would give him it. I just stood there again wondering what is so wrong with me that people just cant be happy with me? When I finally decided to leave my "boyfriend" came over to the bus stop with me and got on the bus, we never said a word to each other he got of the bus walked a few steps and collapsed. I had to drag him half a mile to his bed (I'm about half the size). I nearly broke my back. But I thought to myself if he's this drunk he probably doesn't know what the hell he's done. This morning he woke up extremely hungover, cuddling into me. He said he couldn't remember a thing. When I told him about his antics he just laughed and said "Well If I don't remember it happening it didn't happen". I just looked at him, the love of my life and stared.. got up out of bed packed my bag and walked out. I posted my keys through his letter box and sent him a huge txt from my car. He didn't reply so I just drove home. And now I'm writing this. The story of my miserable love life. I don't know where I go from here or how I'll cope. I'm not even sure anyone will have read this far. I guess I'm kidding myself thinking there's something I can do to change myself to make people want to stick with me and want me and me only.
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at work, cheated on me, confidence, debt, drunk, facebook, fell in love, his ex, kissing, move on, moved in, moved out, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): I'm a girl and I see what you mean, There's no proper way to stop yourself from falling in love or Liking someone, unless You lock your self away and never interact with anyone from the 'outside world' including animals and pets. That's not an option though, I know what you are going through, So See it This way, Other people are more emotionally 'guard' and others are more 'gullible' to charm etc, the lucky others, are just in between. Now The Only way to Deal with this is, Move on. Enjoy life and you don't need Other people in Your life to Be happy, Love Your Family, and Love Yourself, Romance is just a bonus. =]
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (2 January 2012):
 I am going to be as honest as I can with you, and I'm sure you'll take more than most of it the wrong way, but keep in mind I'm genuinely trying to offer you good advice that I hope you use to better yourself first, and then your future relationships.
You have extremely low self-esteem, and seem to jump into relationships with men that are clearly not worth the time of day simply because you don't believe you deserve better. If you don't think very highly of yourself, why should anyone else? I am probably right in thinking you project this, and that these scumbags pick up on that and use it to their advantage.
I also have to point out that at no point is any relationship you're ever going to get into while in this mindset, going to provide you with the happiness you're seeking. You seem to rely on the men you date to provide that for you, and that's simply not something you can place on or expect from another person. You need to be able to be happy on your own first, before you can expect to be happy with someone else.
Lastly, PLEASE forgive yourself for what you did in your first relationship. That is by no means something you should be paying for the rest of your life. You made a mistake, not an uncommon one, and you have realised that. This doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a person who made a bad decision, and one that they regret. I hardly think there's anyone out there who hasn't been in the same boat once or twice.
Unless you value yourself more, you probably wont have much luck finding someone who will be able to. People want to be in a relationship with someone who can provide stability for them as well, and you don't seem to have much of that. I really think you need to focus more on yourself and your own happiness, and less on relationships. Once you're in a good place, everything else can fall into place as it will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2012): Wow, what a time you've been having :( To be honest with you, I see cheating as a dark side to human nature; we have competitive streaks in us and like the thrill of the chase, particularly when you successfully manage to woo someone. When this is fuelled by alcohol, our primitive instincts also take form very rapidly. Everything happens for a reason, so although it felt so right I think fate has other plans for you. I wouldn't worry too much, surround yourself with friends and the right guy will undoubtedly appear. And remember - we are forever learning! Life is learning curve after learning curve, some of these are harsh but they will allow you to become well-informed and make better decisions later on. You will be fine, it looks tough but it will get better :) x
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