A
female
age
30-35,
*essica M Payne
writes:Hi.So simply as im going to put it...I'm 18.An only childstill live at homeHave a controlling father who yeah, you could say...im scared of...So, my father thinks he has the right to control me, given I still live at home...He thinks he has the right to make up 'rules' to when I'm allowed to see my boyfriend.He thinks he's entitled to have my boyfriends number...When it comes to my laptop, phone and internet, he takes it off me...Thinks that I should be working on my days off from tafe and study at night when a person functions better during the day then at night...You could say I'm rather scared of my father in this case, I'm mean he was abusive towards my mother when I was little...Both my parents are too deeply involved in my relationship with my boyfriend and i would like the interferring/involvment to stop cause its getting too much!If anyone has advice on my situation I would love to hear it. Im sick and tired of this controlling shiz!!!Im 19 in may and the same controlling has been happening for all my teen life....If it doesn't stop it may come to the point where I move out and never speak to my father again... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 My advice: move out. If you can't move out then suck it up. There are no ways to change people, especially your parents. Their ways are set in stone. Don't like it, move out.
I'm not saying your situation isn't bad, or unbearable. I am sure it is, it sounds like your parents are too involved in your personal business. However, none of that will stop until you move out, if you are lucky. If you are unlucky you move out and your father will do like mine did, and call 7-10 times a day about every other hour to hear what you are doing...
If all else fails, lie. Tell them you are meeting a friend. Then meet your boyfriend instead. Get yourself and your boyfriend a second phone number/SIM card that you change on your phone so that he wont know about it and call from there. Or start writing letters instead.
Use internet cafes for internet access if your laptop is taken away. Just bite your teeth together and move out as soon as you can.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 February 2012):
 His house his rules,- I think when he temporarily takes away what's technically yours he is still within his rights, - since he is not stealing objects from you ,( you get them back ) he is temporarily limiting your access to certain commodities ,either to punish for your infractions to said rules, or, I suspect, because you are spending too much time on them. At least too much for his opinions, and , again, until you live under his roofs his opinions COUNT. But, supposing you are right and he is crossing ethical boundaries, what do you want to do, call a lawyer and sue him ?... The best is to try getting along and stirring up as little conflict as possible until you get your tafe and can support yourself completely.
If this is of any comfort to you, yes, definitely if you were my daughter, I'd allow you more freedom, there would be no curfew etc. BUT : I'd also demand you' d show yourself more mature and adult than you are now.
Like, when you have money, you buy lunch for your boyfriend. How cute. What about, instead, buying lunch for your FATHER ? Or, let's say, buying the new shower curtains , or pitching in for the electric bill ? Or just getting a box of chocolate for those grumpy old meanies ?... ... What about giving back, just for your own pride, part of what you have been getting so far, even if it is a token amount ? What about just OFFERING... and let them graciously decline as they probably would ?
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A
female
reader, Jessica M Payne +, writes (15 February 2012):
Jessica M Payne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell when i have money i buy my own pre paid credit, boyfriends been buying it, i dont ask, he willingly does it. When i have money i buy for myself, buy lunch for my boyfriend and i, i do pay for my own transportstion, pretty much my materials for tafe too. My boyfriend also helps me out.
I plan on passing tafe, getting a full time job and yes moving out of home and finding a place with my boyfriend. Half of my pay or so towards the morgage, thats the plan anyway.
I catch buses as i havent got my license yet. Thats also on the plan.
I have plan, i stick to it and complete it eventually.
My focus at the moment is to pass tafe, nothing else.
I dont pay rent, my parents have said they just want me to pay for myself or pay my own way.
Much older people in different generations have different views.
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A
female
reader, Jessica M Payne +, writes (14 February 2012):
Jessica M Payne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, my dad only pays for the internet.
My boyfriend bought my phone and i brought my laptop with my own money i earnt from working!
He cant take something off me that he sidnt buy but thinks he has the right to.....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I’m sorry you are scared of your father… I know that feeling my father was a tyrant when I was younger and had an evil temper… of course in retrospect I provoked a lot of his anger with a sassy mouth and attitude…. (just saying hindsight is 20/20)
“so my father thinks he has the right to control me given I still live at home”
He thinks this because it’s TRUE! You live at home…do you pay him a fair share of room and board?
“HE THINKS he has the right to make up rules about when I’m allowed to see my boyfriend”
He does. His HOUSE, HIS RULES. Coming in at all hours of the night is disturbing to others who you live with and it’s inconsiderate. IF you can’t behave as an adult and be CONSIDERATE of others, then RULES are necessary…. HAVING people not family at HIS home may be stressful to him or his wife…. Or other children in the home… Yeppers… HIS HOUSE HIS RULES… makes sense to this mother of adult children.
“He thinks he's entitled to have my boyfriends number...”
UMM… well if you are not answering YOUR cell phone and YOU are not home and you are potentially with your boyfriend, how else would he get in touch with you in an emergency? Hate to break it to you chickie but this is a safety issue….
“When it comes to my laptop, phone and internet, he takes it off me...”
WHO pays for the phone? Who pays for the internet? Who bought the laptop????
I think that it’s time for you to move out… support yourself and quit whining about the rules…
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I would hate to fear my parents. But as I see it, your parents are within their rights, if you still live at home and they pay for all that.
Sorry, maybe it's time to move out and truly be an adult.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I paid for my own college and lived on my own at your age. So did most people I know. Freedom comes at a price and you aren't paying it.
My advice would be to get a job and support yourself while going to school. Only then are you grown up enough and responsible enough to call the shots.
Your father is trying to help you become independent too because it's not fun having an adult in the house who refuses to take on responsibility or pay their way.
Another option would be to join the military. They will make you work and you'll be out from under your dad. They will also pay tuition. It may not be ideal but I think your boyfriend would run a mile if you wanted him to be your provider.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Jessica: Your Father "sounds" like he is acting like a responsible parent, trying to keep his immature daughter on the straight-and-narrow..... and YOU "sound" like a brat who could use a little paddling to try and bring you around to some sensible thinking...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 February 2012):
I am sorry that you have to be scared of your potentially abusive father, I imagine that makes things more difficult and maybe sorts out a nice " heart to heart ".
But yeah, begrudgingly but I must say that if you live at home, yes, you are bound to follow his rules, and he has the right to make rules about your coming and goings, at what time you should be back, how much time you can devote to your bf, etc. As for your laptop, phone , Internet, I suspect he take them away from you not just out of sheer dispotism or malice, but because maybe as any parent he does not like to see you wasting on those things too much time, time that you could use more productively studying or, yes, working, why not.
Not to say that you tell us lies ,and that your father COULDN'T be an overbearing bully ,because alas these fathers do exist. But some times you have to try to put yourself in the other person's shoes, see things with their and work out a negotiation from there. Maybe you could compromise and negotiate more freedom or more privileges by cooperating on some things, like working on your days off, or giving him your bf's phone no. Tit for tat.
If you know or fear that this is not going to happen, though- then yes, you'll have to move out, and don't think of this move in such drama-filled terms. It's normal at some point that children live their nest and spread their wings, for great part of Europe doing this at your age has become an unattainable , unthinkable dream due to various factors, but if in Australia you are so lucky that at 19 you'd be able to pay rent and support yourself, GO ! what are you waiting for ? You don't need to stop talking to your father forever, in fact probably some distance and indipendence will greatly contribute to improve your relationship.
If you know or fear
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