A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all.please advise.My bf of three years .has a nasty habit of messing me around .e.g I ask him what he is doing later on this evening.He says he doesn't know.I text him a bit later saying I thought he might like to come over.He texts back saying 'I'm not sure.I might be busy'. I have no answer for that so don't respond, then he doesn't call and let me know.Or he will say see you on whatever day, then doesn't call and when I do he will say he had the flu or whatever and doesn't even text or call to let me know.This behaviour is getting more and more regular and really upsets me.I have spoken to him about it and even ignored him for a week recently as it got me down.He rang me thirty odd times and turned up and I was crying with frustration , but still he went back to it againWe are both busy during the week so don't get much time together and he has a nasty habit of doing this some weekends when he knows I want to see him. I love him but am at my wits end.How can I counter act this game playing childish controlling behaviour? I usually give in and call him which i think he wanted in the first place b but feel horrible afterwards and horrible when he keeps doing tiss.its really getting me down I love him but am hurting Please advise.Thank you.xI
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi lucy. Have added you.x hope you well.Natx
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female
reader, dingalo +, writes (16 May 2014):
Hi natalie, its lucy. Can you add me as your friend x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPps Anon. By the way.That book is brilliant!! X
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi lucy
My name is Natalie
Yes I tried to leave an email address. I do have an account on this site. Check 12th May 2013 question title is' I love him but he is attention seeking
I want him but feel trapped' . Author name is Martine. You can private message me through that link
Would really like to chat with you!!
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): Ok, well I hope you like the book. did you try to leave your email address, I dont think they will let us do that. Anyway im lucy and whenever you want to write I suppose the only way is on here. Dont worry about him, he will try all kinds of tactics including being quiet ( possibly thinking his next plan) to try and regain your attention so I would just try and keep busy and look after yourself. I will be here to chat whenever you need. I just keep looking back to your question on may 10th to find you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, Anon, I just ordered that book.it looks good. Thanksx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon.I agree.He has gone very quiet and not contacted at all which i suspect is a rouse. [Mod note: email address redacted per site guidelines.]
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Be careful as well, because the tables are going to turn now and he will become very angry and depressed and out of control because he has lost control of you. Believe me these kind of people spy and stalk you. Any shit from him then definately call the police and they will warn him. He may be nice one minute and nasty the next this is because he will be trying to work out which one gets you back being nice or nasty. They think they are so clever but you understand it all now so you can be prepared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Also he probably did have a smirk on his face, mine used to say' ha ha i knew you would come' , meaning run after him. Well when i knew what he was doing i gave him a shock and didnt do it anymore, i just couldnt give him that satisfaction anymore. It was like who the hell do you think you are. They are just losers and like to drag us down, nothing else. Remind you of a five year old little kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Yes its just one big game to them, i would advise you to invest in the book 'why does he do that' by lundy bancroft. You will be able to order it from a bookshop or online, its excellent it will explain everything. It will explain why does he do that ? It is simply about attention, nuthing more. Hes not mental, crazy or whatever, as when they are doing all this stuff we sit for many hours thinking why does he do that? It is for nothing else but attention and they actually feel entitled to your attention and think they are superior! Get ready for crocodile tears, etc and now you understand everything you will see it all and it will actually annoy you what he does because you know what he is doing on purpose. But honestly i would take a look at the book.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPs. Anon. yes.
He wanted me to chase and pay him attention. I am so proud of myself for not doing and not letting myself down anymore. He had me trussed up like a turkey!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon. Exactly. I agree. It all makes sense now which makes it easier.It's all been one big sick game to him and i'm not playing anymore, and boy...does it feel good to get some power back.All of what he did was deliberate.I only wish I had seen it earlier.I could of saved time. I may have to move, but don't want it to come to that, as I have a nice place and it's near to work etc. I've blocked emails, phone and texts and am starting to feel more peaceful.It's the weekends that I struggle with, and he knew that.Thats when he would mess me around even more. I honestly felt so angry to bursting point when I last saw him, but could have sworn there was a smirk on his face when he saw how upset i was over him. I won't date for now.I definetley need some peace and spaceI let him drain my energy and need to get it back.He worked out exactly how to get to me, and watched me play into it like a fool NO MORE. Enough is enoughI'm going to concentrate on getting my equilibrium back, and being able to be 'normal' again without that constant anxiety I' ve had. I' ve had really strong feelings of hate for him which hasn't been nice, but thats much healthier than having been a victim as I have been all this time. One minute he was nice, the next nasty, the next dissapearing, the next not turning up, the next banging on the door. Am going to keep myself busy at the weekends so I don't have too much time to get down about it all. I am so relived i've finally caught on and taken action to stop it. Given half a chance, he would have ruined the rest of my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Good if you're getting angry, thats what happened to me and its good as your realizing his game now and its all premeditated what he does. So now you know what he wants you to do and how to act, chase him etc.. Then don't do it. Its all about attention, him thinking he's some kind of god and special, don't let him do it to you. He drains you emotionally and gets strong by taking your power, the minute you don't contact him he loses power and starts to die but you go stronger. Can you see it all now? He's an emotional vampire sucking all your blood. Don't give him anymore. Move if you have to and yes get him warned by the police. And your not too young for kids, more women waiting until they're in their forties than ever, so don't worry. Also don't think about dating, you need time on your own at first to sort your head out.
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reader, CMMP  +, writes (12 May 2014):
Good luck, you made the right decision. It will get easier with time. If you haven't let him know that you don't want to have anything to do with him any more, you should. Tell him that you're going to block his phone number, etc and do it. That way you aren't reminded of him.
This guy's games played tricks with you, but you definitely will recover. Hopefully you learn to walk away sooner instead of suffering for so long.
You are still plenty young to find the right guy, get married and start a family, so don't worry. Where I live it's very common for people to start families in their early 30's or later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPs.Yes.re:wasting my life. That's what has alarmed me at last. He would go on forever. I'm getting to old to have kids anyday now too.xx
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 May 2014):
 Only you can get rid of this guy. Its gone way, way too far. You need to change your mobile phone number, your landline number, and only give your new numbers out to people you trust not to give it to him. Its not too hard to change a phone number/sim card. Speak to your service provider or, if your on a pay as you go phone, buy a new SIM card. If he keeps coming to your home contact the police and make if necessary take out an injunction. Keep records to support any future further action. Make sure others know about his behaviour as its pretty hard in future if things do get bad with his harresment if your friends and family think this guy is lovely. As you live alone you do need to tell others, perhaps a family member. Yes they might be mortified but you need to protect yourself. DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR OR THE PHONE TO THIS MAN!!! If youa re scared to go out in case he "strikes" as you put it then you need to speak to the police about his behaviour. It really has got that Bad OP.This is not normal, healthy or acceptable. This is more than him being unreliable and unpredictable, this man is hurting you so much emotionally and making you ill!!! You need to find the strength to STOP giving in, letting him know your business and offering him opportunities to play his games. Its not actually that hard to end a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anon and Mark 1978. Thank you for you support. I live in London. I have no kids with him, and yes, I start to feel relieved after a week or so until he starts calling and calling and texting, then after a week of doing that he turns up at my door. I too have thought about moving in the last week or so. Yes, it feels like he has a hold/ had a hold over me. I suffer intense pain when he's gone which is totally unhealthy. I think it is severe anxiety, and have stayed in bed whole weekends before now, as I have been too down to make the effort to go out, as I never know when he is going to 'strike'. He is unpredicatble and unreliable. I am desperate, and yes my confidence has been sapped somewhat. I guess I have normalised it. It's only recently I have become really angry with him, and with myself for having put up with it. The good thing is, I know in time I will be ok. I feel he has stopped my life moving on. It's been this cat and mouse game for as long as I can remember, and I have tried dating other guys, but then he has turned back up like a bat out of hell, demanding to know whats been going on. I live alone, and have not told my family, as they would be horrified. I feel like s**t most of the time to be honest. xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): Hi, I went through it for 20 years and im 40 now and now I feel nothing for him. Its like he had some hold over me and then it got to the point where I was just running after him but hated myself for doing it and then you start to feel relief when they go away but like you said they turn back up. I moved in the end and changed number etc and he couldnt find me it was brilliant. Which area do you live in greater manchester, lancashire, etc do you have kids with him? Dont waste your life like I did.i got out 7 year ago and never looked back.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (12 May 2014):
OP you sound like your in this guys pocket! Chasing him, putting up with so much crap, going round in circles, letting him treat you badly and hurt him.I think maybe you have lost sight of the fact that there are TWO of you in this relationship and that a relationship should make both people HAPPY!!You say he's made you anxious, you have changed for the worse as a person and if your not careful he will destroy every ounce of confidence and self worth you have. You need to take control. Take responsibilty. STOP giving in. STOP giving him more chances. STOP believing he will change and STOP taking any notice of his apologies/promises/excuses!Block his number, remove him completely from Social Media, have nothing to do with his friends or family and inform your own decent friends to do the same as much as is possible. If he harasses you at home/work/in the street take out an injunction. "He has done exactly the thing i asked him not too"Stop fucking ASKING and TELL HIM!!!!!" This guy won't leave me alone or does just to get a reaction"Well if you keep reacting and giving him what he wants then he will keep doing it. "He's been dragging me down for years, and I've been letting him"Yes well now is the time to stop. STOP! If you keep offering him opportunities to hurt you, mess you around, lie to you and so forth it will just carry on for ever. HE WILL NOT CHANGE only you can change this.Manipulation takes two: a manipulator, and his or her victim. Without someone letting themselves play the part of the victim, the manipulation has stop end. OP I think you need to read back some of the things you have said about this guy, and other peoples take on him which you have agreed with.."I'm miserable and anxious most of the time...hard to cope with the uncertainty...pestered me...said sorry then done it again...He is a nasty bully...harrases me...I cannot handle this anymore...dragging me down for years...He is a total horror and has been controling me for ages...he's worn me down again...tells lies all the time...It's very manipulative... unerves me and makes me jumpy....I cannot tell you the ammount of times he used to go off for weeks..."Read those quotes back to yourself a couple of times and ask yourself what on earth you are doing with this guy. Why would ANYONE put up with that as much and for as long as you have? Because people like your BF can manipulate, charm, lie and hurt some people long enough that it feels normal. You have lost sense of perspective. YOU really need to do everything you can to move on as I have a feeling you will just keep giving in out of habit, insecurity and because you desperate hope to tame the beast. He will knock your confidence so much that you will feel its what you deserve and/or that nobody else will love you so might as well stick with the scraps he throws you. Please don't make that dreadful mistake. Your follow ups show how angry and hurt you were that someone else had gone through the same thing, and praised that person for leaving, yet you sound hesitant and indecisive as to whether you are actually in the situation that you are. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Anon.I wish I could speak to you more too.What you have said is EXACTLY how it' s been. I get worried and he's worn me down again , plus he tells silly lies all the time.It's very maniuplative.I' ve also recently started to hate him and get bored.Shame it's taken so long.What he does is deliberate and calculating and has caused me so much anxiety.I haven't really been myself since I met him , and when I have tried to leave he rings up to fifteen times a day and turns up which really unerves me and makes me jumpy. I cannot tell you the ammount of times he used to go off for weeks.He stopped that only a few months back, but I would be in a bad way and couldn't really get on with anything. Recently as i have got stronger he tried playing mr nice guy, then went back to not calling, lying, saying he is busy, and trying to upset me.Right now he is expecting me to call and ask him where he' s been and what's going on
I haven't done it and won't be doing it even though i've been upset all weekend yet again. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. You done well gettin away from it. This guy won't leave me alone or does just to get a reaction. He has done exactly the thing i asked him not too, even though he could see how upset I was
Nasty bully. How long did you go through it?
He
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): I wish I could speak to you more, but believe me I have been in your situation and I know its awful. Eventually you will just start to hate him, maybe you do already but for some reason uou just put up with it. I know I totally understand. But just like I told you before ge will never stop it has to be you to stop it and you will, then you will look back and think why did I put up with this and what did you ever see in him. Hes like an imatur little kid wanting you to wonder where he is a the time and run after him, hes pathetic. And when you dont he comes up .ywit.h all these silly little lies, everything im telling uou now will make you see what the game is, and isnt it pathetic and childish and another thing doesnt it get boring.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon. Thanks fot your answer.I totally agree.I thought that just today re.he likes seeing me get upset.That is really nasty of him. I've been feeling like hell all weekend, but am determined to get through this and be happy again
He's been dragging me down for years, and I've been letting him
I'm sure he will start bombarding me with texts and calls soon and am prepared.i have blocked his number and texts.He is a total horror and has been controling me for ages.He even apologised for messing me around last time when I was crying and then did it again
You are right.He is a nasty bully.If he tries to knock on my door and harrases me like before,I will threaten him with the police
I cannot handle this anymore.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): He is controlling you, he knows very well it upsets you, he is a nasty bully who likes to see you get upset. Then when you dump him and he loses control he will be ringing you and pretending to be bothered about you. He will then do it again and,again as he loves you running after him and he likes to see you upset. If you stay with him you will always be depressed and upset. Better to be alone than have an immature dickhead like this.yyou will never be happy that I can promise you. He feels good when he sees you down. And by the way he will be no different witj someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thanks for answering. It's been helpful. I have no choice but to dump this guy. I'm miserable and anxious most of the time and finding it hard to cope with the uncertainty. When I ignored him he pestered me and came to my house and in the end I gave in. He said sorry then done it again. I'm cutting all communication with him and have blocked his email and number. I want to be happy and relaxed again.x
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reader, CMMP +, writes (11 May 2014):
Either dump him or be miserable, it's your choice but it seems pretty obvious to me. There are plenty of guys out there.
When being with someone is worse than not being with them it's time to go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2014): If he loved you, the fact you can't see each other often would mean he'd be planning to see you as soon as he could. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't interested, let him go and give yourself some space and time and eventually find someone who wants to be in your company.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (10 May 2014):
This guy isn't ready for commitment, or responsibility. He is just stringing you along. Want you when it suits him and going off to doing something different at the drop of a hat.
Your at your wits end. You are frustrated. You are hurting. He meanwhile is out doing something else while you have to turn to us strangers for support. Enough said. Ditch this guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer cmmp.So dump him right? X
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reader, CMMP +, writes (10 May 2014):
You need a new boyfriend. You talked about it, he didn't care, what more can be said? He's not the right guy for you.
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