A
male
age
41-50,
*ruce lee
writes: I have to be honest and tell you all some pretty shocking things about myself. I have a self-pity complex. I often walk laps of the local lake and wonder what could have been. I live in the past. My quesion is...How can I stop feeling sorry for myself? How can I start my life again and not feel sad for myself? Some people say I have to snap out of it. But I get so bitter and upset sometimes when I think about my past that I want to cry. The main thing that gets me down is I have not have a girlfriend before and when I was young I used to think that I was "entitled" to have one. Now, I realise that's wrong. But the self-pity mutates to other things. I get down that I have a rotten family, that I have health problems, that I don't look like Brad Pitt once looked, that I'm not a multi-millionaire, etc... What the hell is wrong with me?! Reply to this Question
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reader, bruce lee +, writes (29 April 2010):
bruce lee is verified as being by the original poster of the question Yes, you are all right. Today is the day I get over it. I have to snap out of it and accept that life can be unfair for everyone.
Thank you all of you for your help. I have to do what Queen Katie says...Have small goals, short-term goals that will help me achieve something good down the track.
We can't live in the past forever. And as BettyBoup said, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy might be the answer. And as prion said, they are people barely making enough money to live in some parts of the world.
Rescuer is also right that I should designate 20 minutes a day for self-pity and then move on. And as the anonymous person said...I am still in my 30s, not my 80s.
Life is not for the faint-hearted or for sooks.
Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): Hi Bruce!!
I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down.
I don't think you can 'snap out of' something like that! What you're describing sounds like a mixture of things: perhaps a bit of depression, combined with low self-esteem and a pattern of negative thinking.
I don't know if this will work for you, but one thing that I sometimes do to help myself out of a fit of gloom is to make a list of the things I feel positive about. These can sometimes be very simple. You will probably laugh, but I will sit and think how thankful I am to have a roof over my head, to be warm and to be dry. I know that might sound silly, but there was a time in my life when I didn't have those things, and sometimes I forget what that was like and blow something small out of proportion. When I remind myself that I am lucky to have food and a home, to be reasonable healthy and not in any pain most of the time, things fall back into perspective. Sometimes it can be simple things: I can be glad to see a beautiful flower, or to hear a bird sing, or to feel the sun on my hair.
Instead of living in the past, why not try and identify the things you like about the past, but turn them into visions of the future? This is a technique often used by high achievers, like sportsmen and women. They take something they like (the feeling of winning a race, for instance) and they try to imagine it in the future. It then helps to motivate them through all the tough training they have to do to get there. You could do the same thing - create an image for yourself of how you'd like life to be, and then work out what practical steps you can take to achieve it. Your goals have to be things that you CAN acheive, though. There is no point regretting things that can never happen, like how we look. The only thing we can do there is to make the best of what we do have!
The other lesson you can learn from those people is the way that they approach things. No-one ever won a marathon by thinking 'To do this I need to run 4,000 miles a year'. That would feel like an impossibly long distance! Instead, runners break down the distance into a training plan, which involves small, incremental steps that progress towards their goal. Where big tasks taken as a whole can seem overwhelming, scary and difficult, individual small tasks can feel much more manageable.
The same is true of breaking out of the past, and engaging with the present. Make a plan - break things down into little steps - and be committed about achieving them. You will get the occasional set back, but don't dwell on it. When things go wrong, it's a learning experience - and after we've reflected on what we did in error, we need to pick ourselves up and try again. The critical thing is not to give up - and that's much more easily said than done.
The final thing I wanted to say is that one of the most wonderful things in my life is when I get a chance to help someone else. Try doing one act of kindness, each day, for someone who doesn't expect it, without any expectation of reward or reciprocation. It is a real buzz, I promise!
Take care, Bruce. And don't be sad! The world is wonderful.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Hi there.
Don't fret. You have made the first step towards change by recognising this behaviour in yourself. You have been able to take a step back from yourself and see that these thought patterns are not helpful and prevent you from moving forward and feeling good about yourself.
But it is hard to change thought patterns, especilly if they have been a habit for a long time. I think you will greatly benefit from some form of councelling but in particular CBT, Cognitive, Behavioural Therapy. This for of therapy teaches you stratergies to change your unhelpful thoughts and behaviours, so that you gradually relearn positive ways of thinking about your life and your self. I think you'd respond well as you have an insight into how you think.
You may prefer psychotherpy to delve into your past to discover what has caused you to think about things this way. Go with whatever feels right for you. Go to your doctor and ask what therpy is available.
Good luck
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