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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm dealing with some stupid, irrational jealousy here... or envy, I don't know, I feel inferior compared to his ex even though I shouldn't!This guy says I'm his first love. He has endured several problems to be with me (actually he's jealous of my past, how ironic). He's my first boyfriend and first love, he's just jealous of guys I made out with before.Well I lost my virginity to him, but he lost his to this girl. They broke up like 3 years ago, and were together only for 3 months! For months I was fine with this, until I saw her picture. Turns out they've been friends all along (he didn't tell me it was her until I asked if he still was friends with his ex... but when I first knew about her he just said she was a friend)... but she's just so pretty, and has such a bubbly personality! I'd say I'm more of a smart intellectual, and artsy gal (which is what my bf digs) and also not bad looking myself, but she's GORGEOUS! Everyone likes her 'cos she's pretty and cheerful, I'm sometimes complimented on being smart and talented, but not on being pretty. They broke up 'cos she cheated. We've been together for a year and a half and he wants to marry me, yet today we argued and I asked which relationship had been better, he said ours of course, but that the one he had with her was less stressful 'cos she didn't whine or make scenes like I do. I felt inferior. However he said he loves me, and he didn't love her, and that I've made him much happier despite our issues. But I've dreamt twice this week that she's mean to me, that I whine to my bf about it, and he leaves me to be with her!God, how can I convince myself that I'm better than her? She doesn't talk to my boyfriend very often, and of course I don't want to control who he can or can't talk to, I know he wouldn't leave me for her! I just want to get over my envy of not having been his first significant relationship, and of course his first sexual partner (however, I don't know why this ONLY started bothering me after I knew who she was). God, I'm immature... she just seems perfect in my head. Like she did less damage to him than me...
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broke up, his ex, immature, jealous, lost my virginity Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 One sentence is all you need, "Don't compare with anyone because it will never end!"
There will be others who will be more beautiful and better than her.
If you start comparing with others, you will never be happy or contented.
You are unique! That is all you need to be confident and feel good.
A
female
reader, Helhel  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 I'd say stop worrying. She's his ex for a reason so obviously it wasn't working out with them, and the fact she cheated would make it even worse.I just say enjoy all the time you have with him. If you worry about it you won't be as happy, and I'm sure you want to be happy. Try to push her to the back of your mind and just think about you and him.good luck hunXxX
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 February 2008):
 Oh, and the 'bubbly' bit; she may just be so jealous of YOU that she could just spit, and has to hide it by being vivacious and nice... just an idea to ponder...
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2008):
Right, let's do a reality check. She had him, she lost him. You have him, he wants to be with you and has stuck with you despite some drama. He doesn't/didn't love her, he loves YOU. He wants to marry you!
All of us have insecurities, all of us have a past. What matters is the present and the future. She's not a part of his future other than as a friend. You, apparently, are the future for him. Pretty good, no?
I like the way he sounds, honest and practical. Sometimes we think that an easy relationship is somehow perfect but I think in this case it was probably boring to both of them. Easy means you're not trying hard enough, and you don't really care to try. Does that make sense?
Your dreams are kind of a way of revealing your fears to yourself. If you have anyway of controlling them (sometimes I can do this with mine), the next time she's mean to you in your dreams, stick out your tongue (metaphorically) and tell her "nyah nyah, he wants me, not you. I don't care what he was to you then, he chose me."
The best way of controlling your fears about her is to turn her into a bit of a joke (to yourself, I mean). If she was so perfect, you wouldn't even be able to ask this question of dearcupid. If she was so perfect, you'd be writing to ask how you could get over your crush on this lovely man who belonged to another.
And the whole "she was first" thing -- you're going to have to let it go. At least acknowledge that he had some taste in physical beauty, then wised up and picked the woman who was intelligent and was also attractive.
And finally, don't make this his problem! It's your insecurities talking and he doesn't need to hear this bit of dialogue...
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (12 February 2008):
 You are not better than her, just as she is no better than you! You are obviously much better suited to your boyfriend.
I've had my fair share of relationships with guys of various appearance, some absolutely gorgeous in the typical sense of the word, other absolutely gorgeous according to my own personal taste. I would never wish someone I love to look any different, when you love someone they are perfect in your eyes.
Your feelings seem to be based on how attractive you think she is, your boyfriend probably doesn't find her as great as you do - especially since she cheated on him, in my experience peoples actions tend to effect how we view them, even physically.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Stop with the worrying sweetheart. My fella had a drop dead beautifull model of a girlfriend and she cheated and they split up, She is only 20 HE IS ONLY 23 and she is still drop dead georg Im 45 and well not bad I guess or so ive been told, But its not how someone looks it how the chemistry and how you two gell that is the secret of his love for you.
My son had a fantastic beautiful girlfriend that on the outside you would have though him the lucky guy of the year but again she wasnt for him and has caused him more upset than I can say, Its again not the look. So dont fret you beautiful girl enjoy the fact your his g/f his first love and forget the fact that outside beauty outsines the inside beauty that your b/f so obviously loves about you. TAKE CARE OF YOU HUN WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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