A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop feeling insecure about my body? Even now that I'm single I feel constantly insecure, 'cause I'm just average, not stunning or very pretty, nothing. Even when I was in a loving relationship I felt insecure, because I knew he looked at other women, he even thought other women were prettier (I once asked hiom and he went "Well of course you're not the prettiest woman in the world, but I LOVE YOU... and I'm not the most handsome guy either but you love me anyway!"). Well I did love him very much (still do, but that's another story) and to me... well yeah, in my eyes he indeed was the most handsome man on Earth... of course I recognized attractiveness in other guys, but that was that, even Hollywood actors... who did I feel more attracted to physically? Honestly? My ex, he just looks perfect to me.The thing is, I know men can't help looking at other women, that it doesn't detract from the love they feel for their girlfriends, that it's an instinct they can't control... but well... I can't control feeling insecure. And it sucks. I wish stopping it was simple, but it isn't. It's so irrational and emotional, that rationalizing it and thinking about it differently, in an effort to change the emotional response pattern just doesn't help. naming what I like about myself also doesn't help, 'cause who am I kidding, I'll never be drop dead gorgeous like girls I see around me all the time :(I find all this so upsetting, depressing and debilitating, that I don't even feel like getting back together with my ex, or meeting new guys, 'cause I know I'll never be enough physically. And I know how important looks are for guys, because even when they're in love with a beautiful woman, they don't stop looking, so yeah looks are important. Also because pretty people get better treatment, that's undeniable.I also hate that everywhere in the media they always push a certain look as desirable, and I don't look that way (for instance, big boobs being better, mine are small and small are always put as either flat out undesirable and mocked, or as "elegant" but not sexy... I don't care about looking elegant or classy!). Where I live, there's a big emphasis on looks and "the bigger the better" and stuff. Really, seeing an ad or watching a movie or show in which small breasts are mocked or big breasts are glorified, or that blonde hair and blue eyes are prettier, can ruin my mood for the rest of the day. Yeah, it's that bad.What's the secret? This needs to stop! Is there a way in which I can brainwash myself so that the insecurity stops and I'm "immune" to these things? :(
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male
reader, CJH  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Brainwashing is a great word - you do, in effect have to do that a little but ultimately, you have to remeber that somebody out there is going to find you attractive for all sorts of reasons.
I dont want to upset you BUT the truth is, the man of your dreams found you attractive didnt he? If he didnt he wouldnt have been with you.
Putting yourself down and becoming ultra sensitive to negative comments in the media will only ever make you unhappy. You do have some good points, you know you do, make the most of them and try to forget the things you hate about yourself.
The choice is yours really, either live your life on a constant downer OR make the best of what you have.
Were all attracted to different things so the truth is, just because you dont like something about yourself, whos to say that somebody else wont wind that very same thing attractive?
Its tough, I know. But from the moment you start to accept yourself, you will find other do so as well. Its a bit of a catch 22 scenario and the only way to break out of it is to start liking yourself more.
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