A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop being so weak towards men?I come from I guess an abusive(verbally) broken home where whatever I did was not good enough or was always compared to someoene else. 28 years later I suffer from very low self worth/esteem- on the outside I'm this perfect modeled/beautiful girl but I always seek validation This has led me to never have an opionion in a relationship- never argue- always back down even when I am right - just for people to like me- why? How can I change? I'm so tired of men being mean I'm so tired of not having respect and I'm so lostI find the nicer I am the meaner some of these men getHow can I grow some balls? Excuse my French How can I be brave - when I'm so scared of being alone?Any advice toward this journey will help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nnn2017 +, writes (15 September 2017):
Okay I understand how you feel. I did not grow up in that kind of a household but I understand your self esteem issues and your experiences with men. Honestly, you know you're beautiful looking, you said it yourself. You are worthy of not just any man. But if you want men to treat you like the queen you are, this sounds cheesy but you have to believe it yourself.I don't know whether or not you go to school or have a career, but immersing yourself in something you love and are passionate about is the best way to build up your self esteem. When you are happy with what you are doing with your life and see that you are capable of great things, people around you will see that and respect you. Men don't work for things that are handed to them, so if you're too nice to them they have no reason to work for your affection and treat you right. And sometimes its not even you but it is their past experiences that affect how they think women should be treated. if they've gotten away with it, they have no reason to change.Write a list/think about your standards and what you are looking for from a man. It helps. If they don't meet those, don't waste your time being nice to them. If they don't treat you the way you want, be patient and wait for someone else. I know it can be hard and you might think no one good will come into your life, but they will.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2017): Women can know their value in terms of looks to society because basically that's pretty much all society and most men value women for ( even in 2017 sadly ) but this doesn't mean a woman has good self esteem at all. Self esteem is about way more than looks . It's about how we feel about our inner self and our true worth . Not how we see our calculated value on the meat market So yes I totally understand where you are coming from . Many of the most beautiful women out there can acknowledge that society places a high value on them simply because of their bodies youth and appearance , yet inside they feel worthless , like no one truly sees or cares about the person inside I truly think a therapist is your best bet here . To start unravelling some of this and start building on the things that give you pride in yourself . Take away the power from men and society to decide your worth and youStart calling the shots . If they deem that a hot ass or youth is important and the qualities you value are not ? Cut those people lose . It takes some women a long time to learn this important fact about the shallowness of the world and to build her own fortress of strength but youCan do it . You just may need a little support
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2017): Women can know their value in terms of looks to society because basically that's pretty much all society and most men value women for ( even in 2017 sadly ) but this doesn't mean a woman has good self esteem at all. Self esteem is about way more than looks . It's about how we feel about our inner self and our true worth . Not how we see our calculated value on the meat market So yes I totally understand where you are coming from . Many of the most beautiful women out there can acknowledge that society places a high value on them simply because of their bodies youth and appearance , yet inside they feel worthless , like no one truly sees or cares about the person inside I truly think a therapist is your best bet here . To start unravelling some of this and start building on the things that give you pride in yourself . Take away the power from men and society to decide your worth and youStart calling the shots . If they deem that a hot ass or youth is important and the qualities you value are not ? Cut those people lose . It takes some women a long time to learn this important fact about the shallowness of the world and to build her own fortress of strength but youCan do it . You just may need a little support
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse  +, writes (4 September 2017):
The self worth you are looking for comes from beliving you are worth knowing for your capability, knowledge, sense of humour, competence and so on not just for your looks. As Denizen said, you need to validate yourself in those terms not just in how you look. Perhaps you feel that having the man on any terms is better than having a man that sees you as a partner or equal member of the complimentary team that a good relationship is. This means radically changing your thinking, sometimes revisiting the people you think you are attracted to- perhaps you are looking for a partner much like the parent that mistreated you- this happens often. If you can afford it try and see a therapist who can help you see the traps you are setting yourself in the people you are attracted to. If not there are some excellent books that can help you analyse why you chose men that don't respect you. Be prepared for the answer to be because you let them.It won't be easy, this is a long and difficult road, perhaps be single for six months and see if it kills you(hint: it won't)- only when you see how capable and competent you are on your own will you see how unreasonable it is that you aren't treated with respect by these idiots.If you are nice to a man who has disrespected you, it is likely he will treat you with further contempt for not sticking up for yourself. They are weak men, not strong, remember their type and avoid.Good luck
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (4 September 2017):
 You describe yourself as: "on the outside I'm this perfect modeled/beautiful girl". That doesn't sound like someone who has a problem with self worth. In your position I might say of myself I'm not too bad looking. But perfect, modelled/beautiful? That suggests you have a bit of an ego.
It seems you aren't able to manifest this ego verbally. You can work on your body but life has taught you to shut up when it comes to what you do or don't want.
There are classes you can attend in self assertion and youcould well consider that. You will also find if you take a martial art it will boost your self confidence. It doesn't mean you have to actually use these learned skills but knowing that you could is strengthening.
In the meantime, while you consider those options, practise using the word, 'No'. The more you use it the easier it gets.
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