A
female
age
36-40,
*orngirl
writes:I've realised I've turned into being controlling as a girlfriend. I'm very sensitive about issues such as porn and fantasies and have imposed rules on my boyfriend around this in the past. He cheated on me once a few months ago and quit drinking. When he talked about thinking about drinking at new year at a party with friends I felt very upset as I felt he didnt care about putting himself in a risky situation. He drank with his family at Christmas and didn't tell me until I asked after a week and I felt he wasn't trying as he hadn't told me about it. I realise however that our conversations generally go along the lines of (me) i'm hurt by you having done x (him) i'm sorry...i always get things wrong...i'm a bad person (me) don't be like that, can't you take responsibility (him) gets angry (frustrated) and sighs/shuts down and then leads to him sitting there not looking me in the eye or participating or answering if i'm talking about how i feel or how i'd like to be and minimal answers if i ask him things. Which then leads to me feeling angry that he doesn't appear to care. So things go on.. Then at some point he'll pull away and then i'll realise how much i care and how i'm pretty judgemental with him. We always seem to end up with this dynamic of i'm right, he's wrong, and he often says he wishes i would do something wrong so he didn't feel bad, even though i point out i've done plenty of bad things in the past (but then learnt from them and changed...so that just reinforces his feeling that he's 'bad').I don't know if it's him, me or both. I know I am very easily hurt though and because he doesnt often understand why i am so hurt by something he dismisses it which makes me feel even worse. I would like to not be so sensitive and am aware I am more so with him than with my friends (because i'm closer to him and his views not corresponding with mine are more of a threat than my friends' views on similar issues?)Basically, I don't want to be like this. My father was very controlling in ways, in that he would misinterpret something i said and fly off the handle. I basically didn't talk to my family about my feelings or anything really, for fear of getting in trouble for something that wasnt even meant to be bad (or wasnt even bad). It felt like he could do what he wanted but i had to apologise for things he'd taken the wrong way or be punished. I'm scared I'm now turning into him with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has done hurtful things in the past and looking back I can see his not contacting me at one point led to me sending angry texts about how rude it was...his interest in another girl and chasing her made me then get obsessive about his fantasies and enforcing my view on him that it is wrong to fantasise about another (partly because i didnt trust him to leave it at that because i had watched him chase another girl when we were together) and now because he's cheated i don't trust him to make the right decisions, much as i don't think he *wants* to cheat again. Eg yday one of those conversations happened ...he mentioned something about how a friend had said something that could have turned into a joke about him having cheated on me and my bf said not to go there, i asked what the friend had said and he got angry with me (i reinforced i was glad he stopped it)...he viewed it as i was getting at him though i couldnt see how i was. Dont know whether he would have laughed about it himself but knew i wouldnt approve so didnt and feels guilty that he would have laughed and controlled that he didnt because of me? Anyway then he texted me saying he fancied a drink and said 'it's a bad idea for lots of reasons, but i feel that i disappoint you so much that one more thing won't make much difference'. Rather than reassuring him that he doesn't, as in retrospect i probably should, i texted him asking why he's choosing to if he knows its a bad idea, and saying how it seemed like a slippery slope and i wouldnt be there at the end if he hurt me again because hed made the choice to drink in the first place despite knowing it to be wrong. Basically it's not so much i dont trust him not to cheat as i don't trust him to make the right decisions that stop him getting in a situation where cheating would be more likely. I know i need to let him make his decisions and if i don't like them walk away. I love him so much that i feel i don't have the strength for that. It's probably silly but he is so gorgeous and we have so many other things in common and i love being with him that i cant bear to lose him. After that text back to him he didnt reply all day and when i texted to see if he was ok and called a couple of times he didnt reply. Now he's coming to see me and i'm scared he's going to break up with me due to the silence and then him coming to mine (easy exit). I really don't want him to.. (controlling again?!) We were going to move in together in march and im looking forward to our cosy little life together where we can also have more time for friends (as currently live in different cities so travelling means less time for friends unfortunately) that i can't bear it to go down the drain. What's even scarier is if he came to that decision yesterday, drank lots and got with someone in order to make that decision irreversible. It would be mad for me to take him back then but i can't bear our future to be gone like that. What can i do when he gets here if he does want to break up (and hasnt cheated again) and what can i do in the long term to get over myself and to be able to have a good time with someone even if we dont see eye to eye on everything? I want to change from this scenario which keeps repeating itself :( Help-tips-advice please?
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female
reader, torngirl +, writes (3 January 2010):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it will push him away! I saw him this evening and he said that all yesterday and earlier today he had planned to break up with me but now he wasn't so sure. He said that a friend and his gf and his friend's brother and fiance had been out with him yday, and that both couples seemed so happy together it made him think that we weren't right. We had dinner together and talked (both, and i actually listened! lol :s), I asked what he'd like me to work on - he said things like if i've got a problem not to talk about it for ages - like take a break and come back to it if need be, cos he gets sick of it if it goes on for ages, also appreciate he needs sleep (which i do normally but if we have a problem and he wants to sleep i've taken it as he's not bothered, well which he isnt at the time, and it annoys/hurts me that he can just sleep when i'm upset whereas if it was the other way around i'd want to help him feel better).He also said he wasnt sure about moving in with me, that he had really wanted to live with me but wasnt keen on the hassle of moving house, and was now not sure we were right to live together. He said he was thinking of getting internet and a new sofa in his flat which he'd been holding on for cos i have new sofa and internet contract we could use... At first i was like oh ok, fair enough...i then noticed even though i was trying to be calm and listen i was like well how would you feel about waiting a week or so to see if you feel different, and i'd give you a lot of help with the move as it would make financial sense to, but then said this again and realised it was like i was trying to convince him that my way was right, when of course its perfectly sensible to have doubts, if he does change his mind theyre not major commitments eg save money still even if he moves out. Plus he's asked me to move in his flat in the past but i'm sure i dont want to cos i have all my own furniture only 4 months old so be a waste to throw out and it's too small - and he's said a couple of times are you sure, but then accepted it rather than carrying on. I need to learn to accept different viewpoints to my own rather than going with the noo you mustnt like me that much if youre not moving in with me (ok which he doesnt atm!) and boo hoo i want you to live with me in my ideal house in my ideal location and as i dont find moving horrendous neither should you if i help you- basically disegarding his feelings about moving in the way i dont like him disregarding my feelings about, say, flirting not being cool in a relationship. Hypocrite eh :SI want us to be happy, to have fun and me to not to make a big deal out of things. I'm not feeling hurt/upset by stuff deliberately...I guess a bit of CBT might be in order, e.g. i feel upset because i think he's done x which i feel is unkind and shows he doesn't care about me, actually maybe he's done this to, i dunno, fit in and he didnt think it would hurt me, therefore he wasnt meaning to be unkind and hurtful...and so maybe i'm not right to feel so upset at him. That kinda thing, if that makes any sense.Last poster - you said you used to be like me...how did you change? It's not like i'm like, ah ha i will make a fuss about this, this, and this so i can have him all to myself and make him miserable! It's like that really hurt, this feels really uncaring, and this makes me feel like shit...please don't do that....oh you think i'm making a big deal out of nothing so i need to go over it again so you can see that it is really affecting me hence why it would be great if you could stop doing it..I don't want to tense up if my bf's mates are looking at Nuts or whatever and pass it to him. I don't want to feel betrayed at the thought of him wanking over another girl he knows. I don't want to feel that he's disrespecting me if he flirts with someone else. I don't want to feel that if he is fine with going the whole of one weekend not seeing me then he can't like me very much. I don't want to feel that if he doesn't want to sleep with me one night then he doesn't find me attractive and doesn't care about my needs. etc. But i do! How to change this?-please!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2010): I used to be the psychotic, overly jealous, controlling girlfriend that you just described. It was so bad that I would get angry if me and my boyfriend were watching a movie or show where a woman showed her boobs because I didn't want him looking at another woman. I would get suspicious if he wouldn't text me back right away or call me.
I realized how psychotic and over bearing I was. I was making his life hell, making him think that I didn't trust him and was always checking up on him. You're controlling behavior is what caused him to cheat. My controlling behavior was driving my boyfriend away and it got to where he hated spending time with me or talking to me because I would always get really accusatory with him for no reason (ex boyfriends have cheated on me so I have trust issues as well). So then I thought, if he wants to go talk to his friends or have a guys night, let him do it. If he's with you, then he loves you. Learn to have FUN, that's what I learned to do. If you don't approve of him going out and drinking with his friends or whatever then go do it with him. You're not his mother, quit smothering him. You suffocating him will just push him away.
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A
female
reader, torngirl +, writes (3 January 2010):
torngirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply. I'll try to reply to your questions (cos i did babble on!)
'He had relations with another girl? You're still with him because?'
A decision I never thought I'd make... Because he told me straight after, because I realised i'd played a part in the lead up to it (as later described in q), because he felt sure he wouldn't do it again, because i couldn't bear to throw it all away on one (terrible) night. No more chances though, he says he's learnt from this so hopefully that's the case.
'Risky how? He was among friends, no?'
Risky because he cheated on me after drinking at a party with friends, mostly the same friends who would be there and possibly the girl who he cheated with. He attributed it mostly to having been drunk so I said he should take responsibility for his actions, or if he really believes it was because he was drunk why put himself in the same situation again and expect it to be different if he really believes it was due to the drink (i think this was only a contributing factor and reckon he does too really).
'This is also over the line. It's common to drink over the holidays and he was doing so with family. Your overreaction to somewhat innocent things likely make him VERY nervous and hostile. '
It wasn't that he had drank with his family but that he had taken the decision to give up drinking because he said he felt that was why it had happened. While i get that drinking with his family is unlikely to cause any problems, what upset me was that he didnt tell me that he had drank with his family, even though we spoke on the phone after he had been to the pub and i asked if he'd had a good time. I'm not sure if i asked him or not but starting to have a horrible feeling i asked whether he'd drank and he'd said no.. can't stand lies! He said he didn't dare to tell me but had planned to just hadn't found the time. However on NY eve when i asked him it was because he kept being offered drinks by his dad (and turning them down) so it seemed he still wasnt drinking. However after his dad had asked him lots of times i started wondering why he would keep asking if he hadnt been drinking over Christmas. So basically i was upset because we figured we hadnt been as close or communicating as well as we could have and yet he appeared to still be keeping things from me. I know that this will at least partly be because of my reactions to things in the past.
'How would YOU react to someone constantly berating you? Someone constantly making you feel like worthless crap?'
You have a point. He says sorry but i continue to say how bad it was and how hurt i am. He got the picture the first time.
'Good, good. You see exactly what you're doing. Now what you must do is either internally forgive minor infractions on his part or let him go all together.'
Tips on this? Silly as it may sound i sometimes feel so hurt or upset by things that i dont know how to let go. Eg after this at NY eve we ended up talking (i ended up talking..) for an hour or so upstairs in his room rather than joining in his family party downstairs. Not a good impression but before while i was down there once this came out i was putting a 'im happy' face on but not really convincing anyone - i felt crap, his family kept encouraging me to drink more, but i didnt want to because i didnt trust myself to let slip about his infidelity if i got drunk when i was unhappy.
So yeah, tips on internally being like, i dont like this/im hurt, but ive expressed it calmly, ive been listened to, now to move on rather than repeating it in various ways to make sure he gets it..?
'No, you don't understand. He NEVER rubs anything in your face. That's what he means. You're on a fast track towards being completely self-righteous.'
I come across like this a lot recently, not attractive.
'What sort of things are you hurt by? As you are easily prone to being hurt, perhaps figure out what you can do in order to help yourself and not hurt so much?'
I'm hurt when i feel he isnt into me/doesnt value my feelings or beliefs/doesnt care about me. Link to:
'You wouldn't approve? This is how he lives his life? With your constant approval?'
This is how he feels eg has to monitor himself in case he makes crude jokes with friends, because i dont like crude jokes...in this situation i feel more justified in that i feel that him laughing at any joke about him having cheated on me and me still being with him shows no regard for the hurt he put me though and is really disrespectful.
'Wrong because he gets out of hand and sleeps with other women? Or wrong because you don't like him drinking anf therefore he can't drink?'
Wrong because he identified it to be wrong (he has had a stand against alcohol for ages now (way before the infidelity), making a poster about all its ill effects t put on his wall and remind him not to drink, complaining about how his friends and family pressure him to drink, how it affects his running, concentration, achievement. Also wrong because he wanted to go running that day so had he drunk at the football with his friend then he wouldnt be able to go running later, nor do the work he had lined up to do. My worry was he knew it was wrong yet he was going to do it because he felt he had already disappointed me... He had this attitude to continuing from ...hand stuff to full on sex- he had already caused sufficient harm so why stop there....Nice.
You just said the same thing, but okay. You don't trust him and as much as I don't blame you for it, I can't understand for the life of me why you continue torturing yourself and him by continuing this relationship.
This is a point...i guess i need to give him the space to do things...i always go over things in advance now to make sure he doesnt do the 'wrong thing' eg you wont play i have never if others do tonight right (because last time he shared some really personal stuff about our sex life which his friend so tactfully brought up at another party in front of everyone..lovely) you wont laugh if people make a joke about you having cheated on me... It's me trying to keep all the bits i like and change the bits i dont to get the perfect guy..he's got the looks and the similar interests, lets just change his judgements. But that just creates more problems, i can see now. Sometimes i just wish he'd think! He doesnt say things with the intention of hurting me/betraying my trust but thats what it does! argh.
If he comes and has cheated i will have to face reality and let him go...whatever the part i played if im forever fearing as with last night that if we have an argument his reaction will be to sleep with someone else as an ego boost/act of rebellion or whatever, rather than just working through it together/calming down apart/spending time with friends to calm down, then it aint gonna work..
If he hasnt cheated but wants to end it... Dysfunctional as we may sound i really want it to work. Not that i cant have other guys and i should be happy to be by myself...but cos when things are right they feel SO right. I just want to be more easy going and to learn to let things go when they upset me-not to the point of denying my feelings but just not being controlling. This recent thing basically displayed my lack of faith in him, eg he's starting drinking again, well he's going to end up as he used to be, going out drinking with his friends all night on fridays and spending the rest of the weekend moaning to me about how crap he felt, how it was affecting his weekend, being in a bad mood with me and not wanting to go out and do things and (ironically) making me feel guilty for drinking if i drank with my friends (even if didnt end up in such a state). He's so less irritable since he quit and i've cut down and noticed a difference that its a shame if he slides back to where he was. But it's his life..i'm basically scared because he might throw away what we have. Or maybe i've just been doing that each time we have a difference of opinion. Help?!
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