A
female
age
30-35,
*eyana'sMommy!
writes:Okay everyone i have terrible relationship problems!i am 18 and going to me a new mom any day now. i am going to try and make this as short as possible. so i broke up with my boyfriend/baby's father Saturday.He was hanging out with his friends a lot. He hung out with them Thursday Friday and Saturday and i think Sunday and Monday. Well Saturday i was real mad at him because he wasn't texting me and well since the baby can come any day now i was really upset cause i felt left out and that he wanted to spend more time with his friends than me. So Saturday he didn't text me the whole day until a little after 9pm and there was this place that was shooting fireworks. Well he and his friends came and got me. i spent 1 hour with him and he says that we could have spent more time together but he new i was mad and didn't wanna be around him because i wouldn't kiss him and i didn't seem happy. Okay well Wednesday he texted me and told me that he wanted us to be together again but i told him no. Because i was scared that he would be out with his friends and stuff. Well we have been texting and talking about our relationship but last night he told me he wanted me to change. Change as in he wanted me to make choices about what we do or where we go or what i want. he said that it bothers him that the only thing we do is stay at my house. He said that he would like for me to tell him where i wanna go or what i wanna do or what i want him to buy for me. But the thing is i'm not comfortable asking him for anything or telling him where i wanna go because well i'm shy. we have been together 8 months and we were only together 2 weeks and i got pregnant. so today we was talking and i told him that i didn't feel comfortable asking him for anything because we don't spend enough time together and we don't know each other that well. well he said that time is what he don't have because he has work and that sometime he wants time to be with his friends and i want him there with me all the time. he said that when he has free time he would like to spend time with me and also his friends but when he chooses to hangout with his friends then i get mad and that's what keeps me and him from spending time together. he also said that he feels like he isn't pleasing me because i don't ask or want anything from him. and that he is my boyfriend so he should be getting me everything i want to make me happy and to please me and just him coming to see me at my house that wasn't enough. How can i stop being shy about asking him and telling him what i want? also how can i stop being what you say "jealous" when he is with his friends and stop thinking that when he is with his friends he will cheat? and also after the baby comes will he change?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 July 2011):
 First, you've picked a beautiful name for your baby. Congrats. Here's the issue. I want you to listen closely, and think about what I say. You're having a baby. That baby is going to grow and make mistakes, solve issues, do things that really piss you off, but will be loving at the same time. Right? How can you love your baby without condition, but put so many conditions on her father? If you create your child out of love, shouldn't those who are parenting that child be of the same love by which the baby is created from? In a perfect world, parents would love each other, without condition as they do their children. Now let's talk about your world.
You are freaking scared. You have this baby coming, and not knowing what they father's doing, why, who or whatever, it's freaking you out. That's understandable. To overcome jealousy, realize two people are only together because they choose to be. There is no obligation. You can cheat on him. Then he can choose to forgive or move on without you. Same with him, but if you predetermine he's going to, you start wasting all your time in worry, then you'll end up missing out on times that could be real special.
To I think this relationship is life long, or at least until your child turns 18. NO. It could work but there's a greater chance it won't. I know that's harsh, but I'm not one to candy coat or lie because it's what you want to hear. But I won't state that without providing reasons.
1. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, there is no foundation for the relationship to grow. You said, "his cheating when out with friends." Out with friends 1 issue, thinking he'll cheat, an issue absent trust.
2. Read your question again, carefully. Tell me how you went from having valid issues, to being the one to blame and needing to change. You fell for it. Reverse psychology. He took all the blame for how he's been treating you, and turned it into being your fault, and you bought it.
How many times has he just shown up with candy or roses? That's something we know most women like, and they shouldn't have to ask for it. If he doesn't surprise you often, and do nice little things for you. Take what he said you need to change, and write BLAH BLAH BLAH over it, because that's all he was doing.
You two are going to be parents. The first step is not to say, change this or change that, but to sit down at the table, and come to some firm compromises.
This is to both of you. I was your age when my first child was born. Being a parent is a hard job, but is also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Times will get hard. They'll stress you out. Heck, she'll stress you out, but in then end you see the product of every obstacle you've faced and have overcome. Hopefully together, but if you co-parent separate as my ex and I have. Don't let negative feelings for each other take away from your duties as a parent. My ex and I are still real good friends, we just couldn't live in the same space to raise our son. At least not with both of us coming out alive. lol
Take care.
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