A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Any advice welcome. I have been seeing a man for a year now and it has been one heck of a ride. Love is not the question here, we are both very much in love. Except the man I get to spend time is only on this planet about 50% of the time because the rest of the time he is drinking. My life is full of amazing times with him, but only some of the time. He isn't in denial and is at present trying to get out of the rountine he has fallen into. Bottom line, he could be off on a binge at any time. Now Ive hit the stage where I have had enough of waiting for him to be sober to contiue where we left of.I messaged him yesterday to say that I deserve more respect and that I have no choice but to end it and I'm sick of feeling like a sack of shit, and I do mean it 'this time'.He has not replied yet, which means he is drinking.I love him very much and by staying with him I am allowing him to drink and let him return with my arms open, when really I feel miserable with the constant pattern and behaviour.How can I stay strong and not fall back when he sobers up and wants me again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 February 2011):
 Loving an alcoholic makes your life extremely chaotic, frustrating and sad. No one can possibly understand unless they have been there. My ex husband is an alcoholic. I always likened him to Dr. Jeckell/Mr. Hyde. It was inconceivable to me how a smart funny kind man could turn into such a stupid, bumbling mean idiot with just a few drinks..but it happened every time. I watched this man lose his job, his friends, his family, and almost his life (a year in a nursing home.. told he had only months to live!) and still he couldn't stop drinking. His liver totally shut down, and somehow a miracle happened and he survived, and now here he is 4 years later STILL drinking.
To be honest sweetheart, you have to have nerves of steel. I walked out of a 16 year marriage because my ex wouldn't get help. Until your guy admits that he has a problem and seeks out help, NOTHING will change. My husband couldn't/wouldn't change, and I finally had to accept it, and walk away. It will be one of the hardest things you ever have to do, but you have to be strong for YOU. If he choses to get help, fabulous, but if he doesn't..you have to decide if you can handle watching the horrible pattern keep repeating. I chose to walk. I still loved my husband, but I could no longer be part of his self destruction.
I wish you all the best, I truly know what you are going through. It is in no way an easy life. If you wish to talk more, please feel free to PM me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): Realize, you want more than is offered. You are ignoring what he states and you are ignoring the truth of his actions, and you’re ignoring him because you’re too busy force-feeding him your love and your vision. You have to keep saying this to yourself until it sinks in. You can dress it up however you like and rationalise what you are doing, but it is what it is. He takes what is on offer because he is too emotionallt vacant, lazy, and too opportunistic to walk away. Why do you engage in relationships with men that you clearly have some dissatisfaction with, but focus your efforts on changing them to suit your agenda? Why do you think that you can take a broken man, love him to death, and paper over his very large wounds with some very small bandages?You know what you're dealing with and he presents you with the perfect opportunity to heal him and embroil yourself in a co-dependent relationship, in turn thinking it will heal you. The more broken or wounded he is, the more attracted to him you are and for a while, he will see you as a source of his potential and use you as a crutch. The trouble is that he needs to want to fix himself, not because someone is trying to take them to a place that they have determined. If he does get sober, the balance could tip severely in this relationship, especially if he’s not as grateful as you'd like him to be for standing by him. The scariest thing is that even though you appear to have stood by him, sometimes when they get sober, they look at you and think that you represent an unhealthy part of their life that they need to leave behind.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (13 February 2011):
I really do feel for you, and I know exactly what you are going through. I too always knew when mine had been drinking because he would go quiet for a few days and totally ignore my calls/texts.. It didn't help matters that I would flip and tell him to go take a hike. Just like you, it made it even harder to deal with knowing that when he hadn't had a drink he was the most kindest, funniest man around. He was never nasty when he had had a drink... just unrealiable, and extremely quiet.
I hate to say it to you, but you are flogging a dead horse.. I really don't think he will change. If he really wanted to stop this addiction he would be willing to try councelling and cut out the drinking all together, because that is the only solution... not cutting down!
Mine admitted in the end that alcoholics are selfish and let people down all the time, but still he couldn't stop. They are slowly heading towards an early death to be quite frank as eventually the liver won't be able to take anymore.
Do you honestly want a future with this man, knowing that if he doesn't stop, which is likely... that he is going to drag you down to his level, and you would probably end up a young widow if you married him.
Sorry to sound so blunt... but like I say, I know how you feel, and I have only recently cut all ties with mine because I can't take anymore of the heartache and to be fair to him he said he needed to be considerate and sort himself out without being in a relationship. Whether he does, I really don't know, but my guess is he won't.
I suggest you tell your partner that you need to take a step back... it may push him into getting help as sometimes the short sharp shock treatment can do the trick.
Hang in there hun, and please try and take control here... you are more than welcome to PM if you want to chat more.
Best wishes x
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