A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17 and I've had sex with 5 diferent people. They were all "relationships" (or what I naivly thought would become one) but only one of them was serious. This was with my first boyfriend and I slept with him (and lost my virginity to him) after two weeks! He was quite a bit older than me, I was 16 at the time and his 22. I felt quite pressurised into it and I regret losing it so fast. Sometimes I get into situations and I don't know what to say. I'm quite a shy person and a lot of the times I haven't wanted to have sex but haven't known what to say. With four of the people they were over 20, I look older for my age and I'm quite attractive and so attract quite a bit of attention but I feel terrible after I have had sex because I say things like "I don't really want to" or "hmm I'm not sure" and I'm so vague that I think people think I want to. I dont want this to keep happening because I've been sexually active for a year and I think of sex as something special but I seem to be giving it away all the time without wanting to, and not safely.The worst thing is that with ALL of the five people I've only used condoms on a couple of occasions. I say "I think you should use a condom" and all I hear is "I won't buss I promise, trust me" etc. And I give up, then go through getting the morning after pill and going for countless STI checkups by myself. I did catch chlamydea in the begining of the year and I swore this was a turning point, I would stand up for myself but since then it's been the same. Often I don't even like the people but I feel obliged and I know that ridiculous. The last few times I had sex I didn't get wet, and the sex was painful. I thought I had an STI but I didn't and I don't know why I don't get wet. I thought it maybe in my mind, that I'm not comfortable with it but surely even if I don't want to do it I would still get wet if someone's touching me in the right places? Anyway this is off the point.Is there anything I can do? What should I say to people becuase I want a relationship not sex and I seem to get it the other way round. How can I become more confident? And could this be why I haven't been getting wet? Sorry it's been a long message and thanks for reading. Please reply even if it's just to tell me I'm silly! I need some sense and strength slapped into me.
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condom, look older, lost my virginity, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LynstHolin  +, writes (15 July 2007):
"dont know what to say, how to tell them to go away???"
You don't need to tell them anything--just screen them out as much as possible. Don't reply to text-messages, block their emails, don't answer when they call. If you do happen to pick up the phone when one of them calls, fake a bad connection and hang-up. You don't owe them anything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers, it helps just to hear some advice. There is someone ive started "seeing" we're taking it veeery slow and i love it! we are really getting to know eachother, its less about appearance because we were friends first! i just hope it works out, i gues i was worried he would turn out to be like other people i have known. My last problem is just that some of the people from my past are still around, and in contact with me. And i've got a lot stronger since i used to be with them but when i talk to them it takes me back to a feeble role. I know they just want sex and thats what they call me for but i dont know what to say, how to tell them to go away??? Because they make out they love me and miss me and i know it all gobbldy gook!
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A
female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (15 July 2007):
 Standing up for yourself is never easy especially when you’re not use to doing it. At least that’s what I have found. But the only way to become good at it is to start, and what better time to learn then now. First thing is you have to know what your standing up for and why, don’t let anyone make you forget your reasons. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, all that matters is what you’re saying, and when you say no that’s it end of discussion. If they press the issue then walk away.
If you’re out at a party don’t go out alone try to stay with friends, that way if a guy tries to pressure you, you have people to walk too. Don’t let yourself get in a situation where your one on one, always leave yourself an out.
If your in a relationship with a guy, just let him know up front you want to take it slow. If he can’t respect that then he has no business being in a relationship with you. There are plenty of good guys out there; you just have to shuffle through some of the scum to find them. A good guy will respect you for the beautiful and intelligent women you are. Any guy that makes you feel anything less does not deserve your attention.
If you want to talk feel free to message me.
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A
female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (15 July 2007):
Standing up for yourself is never easy especially when you’re not use to doing it. At least that’s what I have found. But the only way to become good at it is to start, and what better time to learn then now. First thing is you have to know what your standing up for and why, don’t let anyone make you forget your reasons. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, all that matters is what you’re saying, and when you say no that’s it end of discussion. If they press the issue then walk away.
If you’re out at a party don’t go out alone try to stay with friends, that way if a guy tries to pressure you, you have people to walk too. Don’t let yourself get in a situation where your one on one, always leave yourself an out.
If your in a relationship with a guy, just let him know up front you want to take it slow. If he can’t respect that then he has no business being in a relationship with you. There are plenty of good guys out there; you just have to shuffle through some of the scum to find them. A good guy will respect you for the beautiful and intelligent women you are. Any guy that makes you feel anything less does not deserve your attention.
If you want to talk feel free to message me.
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A
female
reader, LynstHolin +, writes (15 July 2007):
I fear that your lack of confidence and assertiveness is attracting creeps. They know darn well you don't want to do it, but also can sense that you are too timid to say no.A man who has sex with you after you say you're not sure you want to, and when you're not even aroused, is just a couple of steps away from being a rapist.Do your best to not get into situations where you're alone with these men--or where you're likely to meet them. Try strengthening your female friendships--if your out with girlfriends, they'll help keep the scum away.*slap* *slap* Okay,that was me doing what you said in your last sentence:) You are not silly, you are a woman who does not yet understand how wonderful she is.Remember, you are too good to be wasted on creeps! (And if you don't enjoy it, sex isn't worth dropping your pants for)
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A
male
reader, HelpingHand7 +, writes (15 July 2007):
 it sounds like you just need to take things alot slower maybe dont go out partying as often or whenever you do go out make sure you have a friend there to keep you from doing something stupid. or just learn to say NO not i dont know just NO plain and simple youve got to learn sooner or later and what your doing is dangerous ALWAYS make sure your using protection. if you need to talk PM me alrighthope this helps
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