A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my life is completely upside down i have had a rough start and have only met men who seem to believe i am not good enough to do anything with my life, including my dad who has two wonderful sons from his second marrige who have had everything they need to be sucessfull and confident, a hint of jealousy maybe but they are lovely, dad doesnt bother with me. however i have a great daughter who is 12 with a man who made my life a living hell, who after we split came back as my boyfriend and watched me struggle to keep the house and our daughter financially, we have been a couple on and off for 14 years he has friends money he is settled in his job living at home with his mum. i am now in debt to everywhere i can be and seeing a clinical psychologist mainly because of him as i lost all my friends and confidence and ended up socially awkward i love the independence of working and feel SERIOUSLY ashamed of my situation as i am on jobseekers at the moment. i want to earn good money and suport my daughter and show em all, i have college courses planned and enthusiasm and ambition but my head is spinning now so much that i have no memory, concentration and everything scares me, i am very lonely and could do with your advice xxx
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ambition, confidence, debt, jealous, living at home, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): The most important thing to realize is this: it doesn't matter in life when you sort yourself out, as long as you get around to doing it at some point! So don't waste time thinking about the past and regretting decisions you have made, or thinking about the years that have gone by. Be savvy and learn from your mistakes, but do so proactively in a way that ensures that everything in your life is aligned to force you forward into the future.
Secondly, get rid of the toxic influences in your life that are holding you back. You will be surprised how freeing it is. By the sounds of things, your partner falls into this category. Believe me, I know how impossible it sounds. When I walked away from a guy who was emotionally and physically abusive, I was so lacking in confidence that I had panic attacks over whether I was doing the right thing. Looking back, I have no regrets whatsoever, in fact I wonder what the hell I was doing staying with a man like that for so long! Remember, a relationship is like any bad habit: having the resolve to break it at first is hard, but it gets easier and easier, and soon you will find that you are more able to focus and concentrate on the things you need to do to turn your life around.
It's brilliant that you have verve and I think you are wonderful and strong for resolving to get yourself out of your situation. Education is a great way of securing more money and a positive future for yourself. But, to echo what the anonymous female poster very wisely says: take it slowly, one step at a time, but with great determination. It's by constant perseverance and making baby-steps every day that great things are achieved, not by a sudden rush at goals. If you look at the mountain you have to climb, you will feel discouraged and give up. If you look at getting just to the next rock, the next goal on your path, you will cope.
Take each day at a time, and focus on making one or two alterations that improve your life. Treat this period on jobseekers' allowance not as an embarrassing sign of failure, but as an opportunity to turn your life around. Try to make a timetable of how you feel you should spend your time: schedule in time to tidy up and clean, time to cook good food, time to exercise, time to study, time to help your daughter with her homework. It's easy to let hours slip by without achieving anything unless you're careful! However, rather than actioning the timetable all at once, work towards it as a goal, making one alteration to your day at a time. Make sure that your study comes first, because that's the time that you're investing in your future. As soon as you start working towards a new life, day in day out, I guarantee you will feel less ashamed and more proud of yourself.
Don't be put off by other people's opinions: focus on doing this for YOURSELF and a few months down the line, when people see you sticking to your goals and achieving what you have set out to do, their respect for you will increase. It might sound bizarre right now, but I think that you will probably find that you value their respect less as you feel you have earned it more, because you will be drawing on self-respect from within instead of relying on other people to provide your 'feelgood factor'.
Finally, I know that this is all much easier to say than do. Right now, timetabling and being disciplined probably sounds impossible given your mental state. I know only too well the fear and confusion you are describing: it feels like a swarm of flies are buzzing around in your head so you can't think straight. The only way forward is to start to deal with the problems, one at a time, in as calm, gentle but determined a manner as possible. If you ignore them, and try to distract yourself (e.g. by going online all day), ultimately you will feel worse and spiral downwards.
I wish you the very, very best of luck. You are clearly a strong person, and even if no-one in your life believes in you, I think it's clear to us here that you DO have the guts and determination to do this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): The answer is simple, Caring Guy gave some great reasons but I think the main one he pointed out was the revolving door policy you have your 14 years on/off relationship with your boyfriend.
If he made your life a living hell then why do you proceed to always take him back? That's what I mean by revolving door, it's a vicious cycle, he comes back into life then leaves it again and you feel so lonely that when he decides to come back again you just open up your life to him again.
As CaringGuy said lots of us have been on jobseekers it's nothing to be ashamed of, what he didn't allude to however is how detrimental it can be to be on it long term. The most depressing periods of my life were when I was on jobseekers, little money meant little to do and it can be soul destroying.
You know the root of your loneliness is your poisonous relationship with this man, no other guy is gonna wanna get involved in that and it is also very hard to be friends with someone who consistently lets someone walk in and out of their life and cause them pain.
I have a friend that's in the same situation, an on/off relationship of over 5 years. Last January he came back into her life despite assurances by her that she would never let him back in again and they spent a month together before he walked out on her again. Now I had to distance myself from her during this period because frankly both she and I knew what he was going to do to her and how badly it would hurt but she let him back anyway, I didn't want anything to do with her deluded happiness or anything got to do with a man like that.
Needless to say when he left she was devestated and an emotional mess, cutting herself and other stuff, so as I was her only real friend I decided to be there for her and help her but it was very hard. What's worse is that again she promised he was gone for good and again despite everything she said she let him back in to her life again for a couple of days knowing that she again would be devestated but again she convinced herself it would be worth it. Well now she's destroyed again, she's become depressed to the point where she's not calling her friends, she spends most of her time in front of the TV or in bed and she's gained an eating disorder.
Again as her only real friend I'm trying to be there for her but frankly my patience is being tested, to care for her is starting to put a strain on my own mental well being as she's constantly putting me in the position of worrying about her.
My overall point is make sure he is gone, the only contact he should have with you should be about your daughter. Until this on/off thing ends then it really won't be possible for you to make close friends. I consider myself a very patient and loyal person but I will have to permanently distance myself from my friend if she can't get her act together and stop hurting herself and me in the way that she is, it's like being friends with a heroin addict.
Take these college courses, they'll give you something to aim for and give you focus. Your concentration and lonliness will be improved by these a great deal. You have to make sure however that the disruptive influence that your boyfriend has on your life is completely gone.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I applaud your candor. Your life is not over, in fact it is just begining. Life is a marathon and this is not the end of the race, but merely a checkpoint.
Looking back on the last 12 years, you have to pull the positives. First of all, without the support of a man, you were able to raise your 12 year old girl. That in itself is an accomplishment that can never be taken away.
You have the right idea. You need to get back in school so that you can be more marketable. You need to ditch the boyfriend that seems to have been more baggage than help.
If you are unable to draw strength from your father, draw it from your daughter. Use your father as a reminder of where you were, and where you are going. Even though he was a source of negative energy, you can still use him in a positive way.
You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you. Once you complete college, I have a feeling that you will begin attracting men that are able to help you acheive your goals instead of bringing you down.
I wish you are your daughter continued success.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 June 2010):
I suspect the main problem here is that because your father wasn't really there for you as such, you've had no strong male role model to look upto. In turn, the type of make that you've been attracted to are men who aren't good enough. It's not you, it's them. If you don't know what a good man is, how can you find one? The answer is you can't, so you found the ones who were lousy. Now, get rid of this man who you clearly can't trust or rely on. You don't need a crap man in your life. not only will it make you feel worse, but your daughter will end up not having a decent male role model around and will end up with a crap bloke of her own. You don't need crap men in your life.
As for your new life, you are totally right to get back out there and try with a college course to get a job. Yes, right now you're in debt. That can be resolved over time. And yes, you're on jobseekers. Well so was I, and so are millions of others. You're not alone in the world, even if you feel that way and you don't need to be ashamed. You'll get though this mess, but the biggest step you need to make is to get away from this worthless boyfriend who is doing nothing for you. If you surround yourself with people like him, you'll never get away. So get away from him, and focus on yourself and your daughter. And good luck with the college course.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Hi. Set your own goals and dont worry about your brothers. Worry less about what they are doing and more about yourself. If you got hooked on ths wrong guy and wouldnt listen to advice regarding him, thats where you went wrong. Having him in your life caused the harm. Thats what toxic relationships do! Your first priorities should be for yourself and your child. The ex should be way down the list. Infact id put him at the bottom. Concentrate on your therapy and seek advice from the CAB regarding debt management. They can help alot. With work and study. Take baby steps. Dont try and do too much to begin with. One class i would suggest you try is yoga. It will help. All the best. Ps. You said your ex watched you struggle financialy. I hope your he is paying child support!
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