A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:If anybody could please advise , what’s the best way to through the issue above. Basically I feel down about myself and indeed never feel happy anymore or fulfillment of me being me .I feel as if I am going nowhere with life and life is just a cycle. Now I know I should be grateful I have got a job , and close family and my health . But I can’t help but not feel happy and just life is mundane.I feel I have anxiety as I hate socializing and awkward in big groups, but I know that if I want to be happy in life it is something I will need to enjoy and be able to move forward .I have always preferred small groups , it’s just my friends don’t go out much either so it feels a routine.I don’t have many hobbies but there is nothing that greatly interests me , I tried table tennis , but just got bored of the people , they was quite older tbf I also know that going to the gym helps and makes you feel better , but I go for so long and then feel what’s the point of going the gym just to go home and sit in my house so end up just giving up.I just don’t know what to do with my life and feel its passing by and I am just wasting my younger days .Anybody got any tips , how to deal with this or is it something I am going to have to find out myself .Cheers
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Never knock or trivialize advice from older people. We know from experience and higher education. Our education and other credentials; gives us the advantage of knowing when/where what we've learned is applicable. We can back up what we say; because we have put our knowledge to the test through trial and error, over the course of a lifetime. Thereby giving our advice merit. We've had a head-start on things you've yet to dream of, let alone experience.Just being in the same age-group may offer empathy, and being able to relate at your age-level; it doesn't necessarily offer solutions and answers. You're still learning. You will discover learning is a lifelong process. Once you gain knowledge, you pass it on. That's what the aunts are here for.Being able to say, "I know how you feel;" is nice to hear.It won't solve your problems; just make you feel good for a little while. Well, older folks know how you feel too. As far as the human condition and life experiences go, there's nothing new under the sun.People who've been there and done that shouldn't be dismissed like people weren't invented until the 21st century. There are people who have experienced things before devices took over simple things like communication, and personal interaction. Social awkwardness is a human experience. Not just a youthful experience. Pressure isn't always from outside sources. When you have trouble socializing, most of these problems are self-inflicted and preconceived. Mental distortions that need tweaking. Either by medicine and therapy; or good old-fashioned advice.Distortions in your own mind of how people might react, or what they might be thinking, can push you of balance. Based on nothing but fear and anxiety. Some people have a few bad experiences, and they are scarred with the belief that's how it will turn out each and every-time.Well this "older-person" is here to tell you that you can overcome that. Youth is innocence, and comes with limited knowledge and experience. Wisdom comes with age and experience. It doesn't just pop into your head.Read and learn with an open mind. You can be a 12 year-old genius; but that doesn't mean you know how to take care of yourself. You would need adult guidance until you are capable of fending for yourself. That comes with age.You don't transform into a different species over the age of 29. You get more pressures from your own peer group than older folks. That's why I'm here to help.
A
female
reader, Probablylucy +, writes (11 December 2013):
 Hello!
I have to say, reading this I find myself empathizing. A lot.
I can understand it is difficult to get out of a rut once you are in a routine, and that routine becomes boring. I know the classic answer most people will give is 'Join a club!' -but from personal experience, I know that this is harder than it sounds.
Here's my advice, and it's what I'm struggling through right now.
Reach out.
I realized that I was just hanging around, waiting for people to come to me and complaining that I was lonely. Have you ever been in a situation where someone you didn't know /that/ well did something nice unexpectedly? How did it make you feel when they were slightly friendlier than you'd expected them to be?
In my case, I found that I had to physically force myself to connect. the first step is the hardest. Just a simple text or Facebook message to someone along the lines of 'Hey, we're having a few drinks in the house tonight, fancy it?'-worst comes to worst, you don't hear back from them. Their loss.
Something else I'd like to point out: There is a lot of pressure on people of university age, or in the 20s, to be 'young and free and wild' etc etc. These words usually come from the mouths of middle aged people who wished they were young again. I know in my case, my dad telling me 'make the most of it whilst you're young' only made me feel pressured, and as if I too was 'wasting time'. There's so much pressure for people in their early 20s to have a 'direction' and a 'drive' -and whilst this kind of advice from older family members may be well meaning, sometimes it can end in making you feel bad about yourself, and instead of driving you on, it can make you feel scared, and have the opposite effect.
I'd say, dont stress to much about what you 'should' be doing with youth. I think that there is such a thing as a 'mid 20s crisis' where people come to a scary realization that they won't be young forever. That is true, however, dont put yourself under unnecessary pressure.
Bets of luck,
PL
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2013): Have you been diagnosed for SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder), or social phobia? If not, you may need to seek professionaltreatment. If you are under treatment. Your therapist or doctor has already recommended a course of treatment, or prescribed medication. Stick to it.You are an excellent candidate for volunteer work. There are charitable organizations that want volunteers to help people in need. Even if you can only hold out for a few weeks. That would be an accomplishment.Working with animals is also very fulfilling. Take up dog-training; or care for rescue animals at a shelter.You don't realize how good your life is, until you see someone who is doing a lot worse. It isn't just about being thankful for what you have; it's about having a purpose and being useful.Overcoming the dreads, and social anxiety, takes will and determination. Most people just decide to give in to their despair. It's so easy to throw up your hands and say, I just can't do it. You makeup a list of excuses why you can't, fault society for making life hard for you, and hating yourself. Now step outside yourself and look back.You don't like crowds. Hello! The world is populated with billions of people. There is no place to hide. It's sort of illogical to hate crowds when you're lonely.You feel nervous, anxious, and edgy when you are forced to carry on a conversation with a stranger. If you're in a crowded room, you feel like everyone is scrutinizing you, and you may feel terrorized that someone will approach and attempt to evoke a conversation. You feel paralyzed when someone does that. You can't think of anything to say. Your mind goes blank, and you want to run and hide. Am I right?Every single person who answers your post has felt this one time or another. Me too!People are more understanding and patient than you give them credit for. Don't judge the world by the insensitive and horrible brats you endured when you were in grade-school/high school. School is where most anxieties are created or formed. Monsters breed monsters for children. It's the fault of dysfunctional morons who have the ability to procreate. Don't blame the kids.Doing something useful and meaningful is always a good way to expend that unused energy that is building up inside of you.I know you want badly to be able to just enjoy being around people. It has to be done in small steps. Once in awhile you take a risk and just jump in with both feet. Shock yourself a little. You can always retreat to a private place; and breath into a paper bag, if you have an anxiety attack.My friend, most people learn to swim due to a fear of drowning. You learn to make friends and date people, due to a fear of loneliness. Once you feel overwhelmed with the need to be a part of humanity; you will reach out. Today, writing your post was the first step at doing that.I feel you are perfectly capable of doing whatever you want. I say this, because you fully recognize what the problem is, and you gave us a very articulate and detailed description of your problem. You don't give up on finding a hobby; because there is such a huge variety of ways to express oneself and be creative. Just researching for something that works for you, is a hobby in itself.You just keep trying different things. You learn a little about things just for/by exposure; even if you don't become fully committed to it. Learn something new each day.You should give yourself at least a two-month period to learn how to commit yourself to some form of artful expression. We all need culture. Make yourself a promise to go to a live musical concert, or visit a museum. An opera or classical music performance is dignified entertainment.The concert-goers are very sedate and well-mannered.They don't push and shove and act like hooligans. You can be in a crowd, and the calmness is very reassuring.Concerts bring people together, but the music is a distraction from the crowd. It will get you used to that.Focus on the entertainment and the performing artists. Get yourself one of those soft rubber balls to squeeze when you feel anxiety building. People shove in moving lines; but it's good practice when there is an unforeseen emergency. You learn to deal with it and you won't freeze in a panic. It's therapeutic. So going to a movie theater is a good way to practice, in case you need to evacuate your home due to a storm or a fire. You may be forced into a crowd. People foolishly die at home during storm emergencies, out of a dislike for other people.Take one of your friends out with you when you decide to face crowds. They will offer you moral support. Do it again and again, then try to do it on your own. It takes doing it many times over to force the mind to accept it.Consider offering your time to a charity. Learn to deal with people by taking your focus away from yourself, and your own shortcomings. Practice remaining calm in the presence of strangers. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Learn to stand within groups of people. Ride the bus. Go back to the gym. Commit to go at least twice a week. Learn to commit and fight the urge to quit. Keep a journal of all this activity, and give yourself gold stars for every accomplishment. Take your time. You're only 22, you have a lifetime ahead of you.Learn to crawl, then walk, then you'll be running before you know it.I hope I've been helpful.
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