A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Until recently I was dating a girl in secret for 5 years. She didnt want anyone to know because there was a 12 year age gap, and she was convinced everyone would make her end it. She is 27 now. After 5 years I wanted it to be out in the open as we had gone as far as we could in secret and needed to move the relationship forward. It was going downhill because the relationship was standing still in case anyone found out. She didnt want to tell anyone now because it was going downhill and, wanted things to improvew before she brought it into the open. But it was the keeping it secret which was bringing it down.Anyway, rather than bringing it into open, she ended it. So she wouldnt tell anyone in case they ended it, but she then ended it so she wouldnt have to tell anyone. That sounds too messed up and contradictive for me!!How can I show her that it was the whole secret thing that brought us down, and show her it would work if everything was in the open? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 Sorry buddy, but I would have expected you to know better here. She was 22 and you were like 35.
Besides that, if she's ended it, she's ended it. Period.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): You can't show her anything, she clearly wrote the rules for this relationship and you went along with them for 5 years....then she ended it.
Sorry, but your way better off out of it,nobody worthy of your love (or mature enough) would hide a partner for 5 years just for being 12 years older. She wasn't a 15yr old kid when you met she was in her 20s,an adult,supposedly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Sounds to me like she used you for her benefit. How can you date anyone for THAT long and not want to share it with family and friends?
Next time try a real woman, not some selfish little brat.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I strongly suggest moving on... she used the "folks would make us end it" ruse to keep you a secret till she was done with you.... AT 27 being out in the open with your partner regardless of his/her age is what adults do.
she's not an adult and she's not ready to be an adult.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I really don't think she is all that interested in the relationship period. I'd move on if I were you, this whole situation sounds too problematic to survive anyway.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 If she isn't mature enough to stand for her own choices then there's little you can do about it. This was her choice. I agree with you though, it seems a complete waste to throw away something great, just because she's too much of a chicken to tell people. This woman sounds like she is afraid to take a chance, and more cowardly than brave, and very dependent on her social circle. She is heavily affected by the opinions of her friends/family, so affected that just the thought of what they MIGHT say scares her from doing what SHE wants to do. She is allowing herself to be controlled by fear. She is dependent on them.
Find yourself in independent, strong and confident woman instead. Someone who will be proud to call you hers and flaunt you in the open and not give a rats ass about what people have to say about it.
It's not fair that YOU should live a secret life and have your relationship put on hold because she is the one who is so dependent on her social circle. If she doesn't have the guts to tell people she is in a relationship with you.. well, then there isn't much you can do. This isn't about convincing her I am afraid. This is about her lacking the confidence and independence to stand for her choices in life. She's too weak.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 March 2012):
 REad your submittal again and see if you don't agree that this is a young, immature woman who you probably are better-off not seeing.... To wit:
"...because there was a 12 year age gap, and she was convinced everyone would make her end it...."
See? She's convinced (herself, at least) that OTHERS can and will determine who she sees/dates!!!! A smart, self-confident woman would say to whoever seeks to meddle in her life: "Thank you for your opinion. I will listen politely to you... then live my life as I choose."
You're better off without her...
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