A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is beautiful to me and anyone who has ever met her but she refuses to take off her clothes during sex or without the room being dark. I know she has a pretty bad scar on her torso just under her ribcage because of a burns accident which she was in when she was 14. Her brother and his friends were messy about with lighters and a can of hair spray and as a result her tshirt caught fire, she tried to pull it off and made it worst . She has had treatment and honestly it's nowhere near as bad as she makes it seem! She has had counselling since but it's not helped at all. We have been together 4 years and it took her almost a year to gain the courage to sleep with me.It's nothing to do with me wanting to see her naked or purely about sex because it's affecting her everyday. She won't get changed in front of me, wear any swimsuit, she covers up all the time and she won't go near fire of any sort. I want to know how I can help her and try understand how she feels but she won't talk about it. I have only seen the scar a handful of times and it's about the size of 2 small hands. Any ideas on what I should do to convince her just how beautiful she truly is? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Scars such as these remind us of the day of the accident… a flashback occurs and the horror as in this case comes flooding back to haunt that person. It is also recreated when that person sees fire as the culprit to her torso disfigurement. When you or a person notices or comments upon these scars, again the cycle continues, which covering up becomes one way of silencing this memory.Be it that counselling has been ineffective at this point, I wonder if she earnestly tries to combat her demons as it has to work both ways? It’s like a friend of mine having physiotherapy on an severe neck injury and then undoing it all by going out to work… hence the therapy is all void; as he has to want to listen, take direction and apply baby steps to recover! As it is you have been most supportive, gentle and taken baby steps to see that she is not rushed; I encourage you to keep this up. Yet all in all she has adopted a defensive cover up technique, no talking is permitted and avoids any sort of fire; giving you and her 3 barriers to break down. Although there’s only ONE barrier in my line of thinking and that’s the mind, as complex as it is!? It will require further counselling and your loving patience.In logic we all know it is dangerous to play with fire therefore it was foolishness in part that caused this injury? Keep away from foolishness, and respect fire. For me; I had learnt to respect water when I nearly drowned as a kid, yet today I still swim with caution :) learning from that ‘mental scar’ of near death. Here my minds thinking chose to reject this trauma and placed as a warning; not as a barrier to forego the ocean water of any sort etc. The ONE barrier of any accident has to be overcome in the mind first? Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 Don't pressure her to do anything she is uncomfortable doing. Be loving and supportive and perhaps she will in time begin to relax around you but she will have to do on her own and in her own time frame. I hope she will continue the counseling because there are techniques that can help her to handle her fears. Be kind.
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