A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids,Please help! My boyfriend seems to think there is nothing wrong (technically) with pushing/shoving me and grabbing things out of my hands if he is angry. He also does this motion where he makes a fist and comes at me as though he will punch me to show he is angry but he hasn't actually followed though ever. I will admit here that a few times when he was drinking and we ended up having a row he has literally picked me up or pulled me out of our bed and locked me out of the room for the night whilst he goes to sleep. One time he actually took it a bit further and was literally dragging me out of the room by any means and I had to literally fight him off. He continued in this blind rage and then, again, locked me out by barricading the door with a bedside locker. I will admit I once threw a remote control at his leg as he walked away because he had hurt my arm grabbing it and another time I did hit him but it was mostly in defence. Is this insane?How can we be literally fine for the most part and then have infrequent moments like these?And how can't he see if he has female friends and siblings that violence towards a woman, like several stone lighter in weight than him is particularly wrong?Will he ever see it as wrong and how do I show him?Would a family intervention thing help? What would help?I would really appreciate some advice other than to leave him despite the fact I know that to be the best advice. I just want to have one last go at tackling this issue.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): Your boyfriend was born and raised on the same planet as the rest of us. He already knows manhandling you hurts you which is why he does it. And he doesn't care how wrong it is because it gets him what he wants and there have been no negative consequences (for HIM). He has been beaten, arrested, fined, imprisoned, abandoned or ostracized for assaulting you.
You don't need to show him assaulting you is wrong. You need to show him that it won't be tolerated and you do that by dumping him and making him pay dearly whenever he steps out of line.
Gather whatever belongings he may have (if you can) and then leave him. Whatever you don't get, write it off. No amount of money or material things are worth the risk and the aggravation.
Don't waste time or effort trying to convince him to seek therapy. Besides being pointless it may also be dangerous. His warped mind will assume that he can continue to be violent until he is 'cured'.
Regardless of what his family's morals are, blood is thicker than water. This is their son, their brother you're talking about so I wouldn't involve them. Don't hide it either. The people you should tell are your family and close, trusted friends who are able to help you.
Ultimately your happiness and welling being are your responsibility so you must take decisive action to protect yourself. You'll forever be a victim if you're going to sit around hoping someone else does the right thing.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 I can see forgiving someone who abused you once in the heat of a fight..
I won't tell you to leave. but what will you do the first time he puts you in the hospital?
why do you think you are only worth an abuser?
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A
female
reader, Miss kelsey  +, writes (30 August 2011):
You my dear are in a destuctive relationship! You have to get out of it! Now. One level leads to the next and it has a snowball effect. You by staying with him everytime he does it is justifying his actions. You need to: 1. Get out. 2. Get him arrested next time or prepare for a terbulant life ahead full of negativity. I hope this helps you Xx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2011):
 I would just like to emphasize what the aunts are trying to convey to you. You can't tackle this issue because it isn't YOUR issue, it's his and once you leave him he will pull this crap on the next female in his life and the next one after her. It is possible for some to get their anger under control with some professional therapy but not always. You cannot remain in close proxity to him and certainly never alone with him until, IF AND WHEN, he's gotten himself under control.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 August 2011):
 I must also warn you that abusive people like him get vindictive if you leave them. They have a sense of entitlement, that they own you and get to push you around. They have this idea that you are not allowed to make decisions for yourself, you are not allowed to leave them.
So when you leave, the abuser will want to punish you. I say this because this is my experience with it. He might not stalk you or get physical, but he could throw away/break your belongings, or try to make it very difficult for you to reclaim your belongings. Which is why you should, definitely, remove your things and belongings from his presence before ending the relationship.
I'm serious about this. I was in a relationship once with a man who was getting his ways around, I'm nervous about calling him abusive as that leaves a stamp on it and it is shameful. But, I thought I could trust him. He'd be doing similar things to what your boyfriend is doing, yet I thought I could trust him since we'd been together for so long, and our relationship was great, like yours, when he wasn't angry.
What he did is that he refused to give me back my belongings. If I tried to come by to get them, he'd start a fight, and if I spoke back he locked me out. If I wanted my things I had to shut up and be harassed and screamed at. When I didn't shut up and take it he refused to give me my things, money he owed me, and deleted my computer files.
I've also heard of several other cases where this happens. So when you leave him: take your things with you first! Remove all your personal items from his reach. Especially if you have ANY personal data on the computer, such as pictures or video's of you and him in any compromising positions (nude, erotic, sexual). Get into his computer and delete all these files first, then run a check-up too to make sure he hasn't secretly stored any away.
Good luck. Contact the police if things get out of hand. Please take my advice seriously, because I thought I could trust my ex, I thought that he wouldn't sink that low, but he did. If you break up with him his "dark side" will come out, maybe even worse than what you've already seen. So be careful.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (30 August 2011):
Leave, leave, leave. He wont change. And don't sit there and accept it. Look at how you word yourself even, you're ashamed of him! You're ashamed of your relationship! You say "I have to admit" when it's not YOU who have to admit to doing anything, it is him who has done these horrible things.
And here you sit as if you are part of his problem. You don't walk around picking him up and locking him out of the bedroom, are you? It's not some private game you've got going on that you are participating in. No. This is his doing. On his own. And you're the victim of it.
He wont stop. He wont change. He wont understand. And the thing you should be doing is leave him and the relationship before it gets worse. And it will get worse, because it will eat you out from inside and kill all your confidence.
By the way, where do you sleep when he locks you out of the bedroom?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Oh dear, are you the same person who wrote about the ungrateful boyfriend at his birthday and also about telling his parents about his abuse? If so, then why are you asking the same question wrapped up in different words?
We cannot in life wave a magic wand and make this situation better for you through our words. Only you can make this situation better by taking the aunts and uncles advise and leave this guy.
He is physically and emotionally abusing you.
No amount of persuation on your behalf is gonna change him.
Get out now before its too late sweetie. You deserve love and respect. If you were my daughter i would be offering to come round and help you pack.
I do so hope you begin to really read our advise and understand the gravity of your situation.
Please leave him, love alone doesnt make a relationship but also respect, friendship, trust and the list goes on.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 Only a matter of time before that fist is used - you would never physically hurt someone that you love, get out before things take a turn for the worse.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (30 August 2011):
 He's treating you with violence. You're treating him with violence. You both need to get out of this trainweck of a relationship and seek help for your violent behavior.
You will not change, and he will not change, if you do not get therapy.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (30 August 2011):
There are only two reasonable outcomes. The first is the less preferred option, which is you leaving him. The second is him changing his behaviour. You would prefer not to end the relationship so let us look at the second option.
The difference between the first and second option is that you can control and act on the first one, but you cannot control or act on the second one. You cannot make him change his behaviour, only he can do that. You also need to understand that he probably cannot change his behaviour without assistance, and that he might not realise he needs assistance in order to change. He might know that violence is wrong but know that he doesn't have the capacity to control it and act on his beliefs of right and wrong, emotional behaviours don't work like that. You need to understand he needs a reason to change his behaviour too, there has to be something motivating him to change. At the moment he has reacted with a level of violence towards you, and you have not left him you have stood by him, which is like giving his violence a green light. More than that, you have reacted with violence back to him when he has been violent towards you. This is another green light to him, as it legitimises violence as a way of behaving in your relationship.
I recommend you draw a line in the sand. You need to sit down with him and have a conversation about it. You need to tell him that the way he has treated you in the past is not something that you are going to tolerate any more, that you are drawing a line in the sand. You need to make it clear that if he pushes you, pulls you, throws anything at you, grabs things out of your hands agressively in a way that hurts you, or intimidates you by making a fist and acting like he is going to punch you, you will end the relationship instantly. If he disagrees and thinks any of these things are actually ok, you can tell him that he is entitled to have his opinion but that this is your opinion and you are going to act on your opinion. He has to know, and he has to make his choices. If you are going to say this, you need to be able to follow through and act on it if anything happens. Acting on it and actually end the relationship if he does any of these things achieves two things. Firstly, it is the right thing for you to do, in terms of your safety and in being true to yourself. Secondly, it can be in his interests, as it can sometimes act as a catalyst for him making a change in his life. Seeing as you care about him, you would want him to change for the better no matter what the outcome.
You also need to tell him that if he values you and your relationship, he needs to understand that he probably can't control it, and that he is probably going to need help facing his emotions that turn him violent.
If he can't have this conversation with you, ignores you, or interrupts or disagrees, and you can't get your point across, I would end the relationship, and would only consider giving him another chance if he agrees to your requests, and takes action by seeking out help.
Know that you are putting yourself at risk by staying with him even if you have this conversation, and that in most relationships which have violence in them, the violence almost always escalates. Personally I would not continue in this relationship unless he agrees to get help and actually takes action and starts to get it, which are two separate steps.
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A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (30 August 2011):
You need to break up with him and make sure that he is not within hitting range when you do. If he continues to harass you after that, get the law involved. You are going to get hurt eventually, really bad, and it could be the next time you are alone with him. This is no longer a relationship issue that you can just "discuss". It is a matter of your personal safety. Don't screw around with this a second longer. Your life may depend on your immediate disconnection.
You must like something about this guy. Decide that you can live without whatever that thing is.
And let EVERYONE know what is going on. Let your neighbors know to call the police if they see him on your property, let all mutual friends and family know what is going on, so you can protect yourself. Your feelings will be hurt, you may feel bad about this, but you will be ALIVE and in one piece. I usually give advice in a more non-insistent way, but I am telling you, you must do this.
If you are living with him, get out NOW and come back later for your things escorted by as many large men as you can find.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 August 2011):
 This is domestic abuse. You don't need to show him that violence is wrong, you need to get help and get out of this relationship. People like this almost never change and his family will always side with him. I'm sorry you're going through this and leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, but you should leave before it escalates. Surround yourself with friends and family and any support you can and break up with him in a public place.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): If he's dragging you out of rooms and grabbing you, he's as good as hitting you. Being fine one minute and coming at you the next is unpredictable and dangerous!
You can't show him how wrong he is, and talking to his family won't help.
Instead, you need to leave this man and never look back. Real love doesn't treat you like this or threaten you bodily harm.
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A
male
reader, 5678bam +, writes (30 August 2011):
Alright.. I'd LIKE to just tell you to leave him, but it seems like you really like this guy.. So here's what I think you could do;1) A family intervention MIGHT work..but I wouldn't recommend it. I wouldn't want you to embarrass him in front of his family.2) Tell him that he needs to take anger management classes. This one seems best. I think he has a problem and this would really help him.3) Or you could just try to sit down and have a nice, rational talk with him about it. Maybe he's somehow convincing himself that what he's doing is alright? In a nice, calm voice just straight out tell him that you two need to talk and tell him that what he's doing is wrong and he needs to stop. You know him better, if you think this might cause violence, don't do this! But if you think he'll understand and you two can have a nice talk, then by all means do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): You need to leave him. End of. That is how you show him that this behavior is not acceptable.family interventions probably won't work because he'll probably just disagree and say everyone is crazy and against him. Reasoning usually won't work because they'll just believe everyone is wrong, and they feel attacked and defensive. If reasoning would work, it would've worked by now.Abusers only change if they end up suffering personal losses as a result of their abusive behavior.people like this need professional help because it's not easy for them to change. it's difficult so they have to want to change. And they won't want to unless the motivation is internal not coming from other people. And the motivation wont' be internal unless they suffer losses like people abandoning them, or getting put in jail and so on. if they would change just from being talked to, he would've changed by now.
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