A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some help and other opinions as i am so confused at to what to do at the moment. I will explain briefly the situation. I have been with my partner now for 3 years. When we met for the first couple of years the relationship was great! until he told me something about himself that he thought i should know, He likes wearing womens clothing, and has from since he can remember the age of 6. Anyway it was a case of, im not going to do it again, and he hadnt done since his ex wife of ten years left him because of this. He ended up going councelling for this to try and help the feelings and urges. As time has gone on, i know now that this will never go away. On his mind most of the time is feelings of he needs to be female. hence why he likes to dress to express a femanine side. He admits sometimes he feels he wants to be female but he will never want he to have to go down this road. We are due to move into together and he keeps on telling me that he feels a compromise could be met, if i can help embrace the dressing with him, and sometuimes maybe we go out like it to meet others on accasions, it could be kept as a part time thing. I really ask myself am i setting myself up for one big fall! If he feels he wants to be female sometimes, this is serious isnt it, and most likely dressing on occasions isnt gonna be enough would you say?? He has just bought a house in his name, he put most of the depost down, i put some, and with the rest of my savings we were going to do it up. Im thinkig if i spend all my savings on this and he lets me down, i walk away with nothing and he still has the house all done up. I have told him my worries in that i need security. He has said to me if it doesnt work, he will in 14 months time sell the house to me for the same price he bought it for 90k (Ps have a mark on my credit file that makes it diffidcult for me to buy until 14 months time) But then i have thought well, if i spend all my savings on the house, i couldnt buy off of him anyway as i would have no deposit myself as would have gone into the house. I just want to be settled, i really want my own place, fed up of living with my mum and dad. Im 33 now and also would love to have children. how can i be settled with him having feelings that he wants to be female? He has said, when he wakes in the mornings most mornings he feels as though he is female until reality kicks in. i ask myself does it matter, but it does doesnt it, if i want to be with a man. He is a great person which is why i am so torn. Part of me thinks, well do i stay at my mums and save as much as i can and 14 months time i will have enough deposit to get my own place, or do i take the risk and move in, wont be able to save any because will be paying towards the mortgage and bills and getting the house decent. What do i do???? Is there anything obvious standing out in this from outside views? As i know love is blind and i want it to work. but am i being blind. He keeps saying cant you just love me for me. He wishes the feelings and thoughts were not there and said he would do anything to get rid of them. But will this just get worse. And is it obvious that he isnt going to be happy as it being an every now and again thing!??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): I wish i had known this when i first met him. As i fell in love with him. I told him he fooled me really. But he says, he is still the same person. I think to myself you know, if i had some sort of illness, or ended up a wheel chair and he had to look after me, i know that he wouldnt think of leaving me because of it. This is what i keep thinking, because i love him, so i stick with him. But sometimes, doesnt matter how much you love someone does it, you could still be unhappy. And happiness is the most important thing isnt it. I have said to him he should live the life the way he wants to live it. But he answers with, we cant always have what we want can we. I know ther urges that he gets a really really strong and he says sometimes this is all he can think about. The thing is, how i feel settled, as how will i ever know how far he will take it. Do i take the risk?
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 August 2012):
 I believe that investing in a future with him, emotionally or financially would be a big mistake for all of the reasons you've listed.
This is no mere hobby. We're not taking about model trains or collecting stamps here. And all this hocus pocus about just loving him for who he is would be tossed out the window if you woke up and suddenly decided you wanted to be a man. He wants you for the woman you are. Not for the man you could have been.
Do NOT rely on him to sell you his house, let alone at a steal, if things go sour. He has no legal or moral obligation to do that and he won't have any incentive to if you reject him.
Which brings me to my next point. Breaking up with him is not a rejection of him (though he will see it that way). It is an acceptance that his lifestyle and his goals are incompatible with yours.
And you're right, whetting an appetite makes it stronger, not weaker. If dressing up as a woman is his passion he's going to want more of it. He's already talking about upping the ante by dressing up and going out in public as a couple.
And that brings me to yet another concern. Future children. Never mind what's politically correct. How would you have felt if your father was seen about town gussied up like Liza Minelli? You have a choice whether or not to be a part of his life and have his reputation affect yours. You have a choice. They will not. Not while they're young and dependent upon you. Children may love their parents but they also need to be proud of them and children are not proud of fathers who strut about town pretending to be women. And they are often made targets because of them.
Cut your losses and don't invest any more money in his house. You should never hand over that kind of money in something you don't own and have no claim to anyway.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 August 2012):
 I think I would look into some crossdresser/transgender forums and see if you can find some people to help you answer your questions.
I would also suggest that you perhaps look into a couples counselor, someone with experience in this. Specially if you plan on trying to make this work.
For me personally, it would be a no-go. Not that I don't respect someone's wishes, dreams and hopes, but I just don't see how it would work (for me). We all have certain dealbreakers/limits. You have to find out if this is one for you or not.
I think until ALL of this is sort of resolved, I would NOT get into debt with this man. I would simply hold of buying a house with him/alone til you know exactly how you feel and what to do about the situation.
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