A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my husband for 5 years and we have a 13 week old daughter together. I have a real big problem with sex since I've had my daughter I feel disgusting and so ugly! I've lost the baby weight but my stomach looks gross saggy, stretchmarked and my breasts are smaller. I have huge thighs cellulite and a flat ass I can't do intense exercise because I have a bladder prolapse and I have been told not to do much intense exercise until it improves. I have been doing crunches and long walks but I really don't think my body is going to ever look nice ever again! To top it off my husband hasn't been paying me much attention he used to spend ages touching my body and now he just has sex in the on top position and it's painful because I have a huge scar and a prolapse . I've caught my husband watching porn with the caption slim big breasts or big butt porn they all have perfect bodies :( . I didn't mind him watching porn before I got pregnant but now I can't help thinking he would rather be with them than my ruined body. My husband even admitted to me that he didn't find me attractive while I was pregnant. I love my daughter with all my being but I can't help being upset about how much my body has changed I'm only in my early 20's and I feel like my body is a mess. I can't pee properly and everything aches. How can I regain body confidence again? and How can I make my husband find me sexy again?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 October 2013):
 At the risk of sounding like I am talking to myself, I'll respond to the responses.
Sage brings up the excellent point that a loving, caring , responsible partner would be the one to initiate the healing. Blaming youth and immaturity is also correct. So to any men who might be reading this, if your sex life is spiraling downward because your wife/girlfriend/partner has body image issues, here is how you initiate the upward spiral. First stop whining about what you aren't getting, she hates that. Second send the right message in a way she can't deny. Not just words, looks and actions. She needs to get the message deep into her psyche that you can't resist her, you can't keep your eyes (and hands) off of her. Part of that message is yes cutting out the porn. She needs to believe that she is your preferred viewing material. But most of it is being obvious in your natural lechery. Make excuses (especially painfully lame excuses) to catch her naked or even partially undressed, or even just showing a bit of cleavage.
Once again when she sees you attracted to her she will feel sexy and be sexy.
OK in fairness to CMMP, Exercise is a great way to feel better about yourself. I second that recommendation.
As to men being attracted to pregnant or lactating women. I found this article interesting. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-sex-and-babies/201109/who-thinks-pregnant-women-are-sexy
On a personal note I have 2 younger siblings in the right range, probably why I like pregnancy.
FA
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
I meant to say that your husband not finding you attractive while you were pregnant is normal. And I think "common" is a more appropriate word.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2013):
 Great hubby you've got, there!!!!
How about, you tell him to knock off the porn... pay attention to YOU (and your daughter).... AND that he pray that YOU don't dump his sorry, immature a$s and look for, or find, a REAL MAN who understands just the predicament that you face.... and will "man up" to be the partner/hubby that he OUGHT to be!!!!
Damn,.... I can't believe how STUPID some of the young guys can be!!!!!
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
All men are different, but I've had two relationships with 'milfs'; my wife and an ex gf. Both were obviously mothers, their breasts not as full, and they had stretch marks (not too much) and slightly flabby tummies.
But I didn't find them one bit less sexy then women without children, they were just different, like hair color or skin tone.
They, however, weren't as happy as I was with their body. So, you're not alone. It's just something you'll have to get used to while you get into shape. Use it as motivation, I guess.
In the mean time, you should try pilates. I recently started, and it's great for those with physical problems because it's very low impact. You should ask your Dr. what movements you should avoid.
Also, don't act like you feel. Meaning don't act like you're "gross, ugly, saggy, etc". Act like you did before your baby.
By the way, your husband not finding you as attractive is normal, he just shouldn't have admitted it. But you're not pregnant now, so that's irrelevant.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 October 2013):
I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time with this. I've seen this so much that I'm finally beginning to understand it. This is very hard for men to understand.
You have asked for very specific advice and I intend to give it to you. at times it will seem that I am discussing your husbands problem. It might get mixed up a bit because it is related.
If you thought your husband found you sexy then you would have more confidence. Your lack of confidence is a signal to your husband that you aren't sexy. So one problem feeds the other in a downward spiral.
I'm not going to try to determine which came first, because it doesn't matter. What matters is how you two are going to fix it. Either one of you can take the first step to fixing the problem. Since you are the one asking let's approach it from your end.
#1 Confidence is sexy. There are plenty of older, experienced , and even overweight women out there who are sexy because they know that they are. So here is assignment (prescription) number 1. Take charge in the bedroom. Yes your pleasure is the goal of this exercise and you are responsible for getting it. You will plan the event, make the invitation, and dictate the rules. The invitation can be as simple as a come hither look, and the planning may be as easy as wearing matching bra and panties. The important part is the rules. "Honey that position isn't doing it for me. Tonight it's cowgirl (forward or reverse) and if you don't cooperate I'll tie you down." You laying there obviously hurting is turning him off. You demanding your turn will turn him on. Oh and no turning off the lights. How can he appreciate you when he can't see you. Dim lamplight is ok.
Assignment number 2. You will never let him hear you talk badly about your body. Trust me he hates it. The only exception is when you say "Honey put our darling daughter in the pram were going for our walk." He can't complement you when you contradict him.
Assignment number 3. Start saying nice things about your body. To the mirror at first. When you love you, he will too.
Remember the spiral works upward as well as downward. You feel confident (or you fake it). He thinks your confidence is sexy. He responds to you in a sexual way. You see that he finds you sexy. Your body confidence improves. Don't give him time or energy for porn. You use it all up.
O K some hints: Partially covered is sexier than nude, this works in your favor. Lactation is sexy. The most important thing you can give your daughter is happily married parents. You just pulled off a miracle you produced a child. Be proud of your battle scars, never ashamed. You did something he can never do, he is amazed.
FA
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