A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It was a few months into our relationship that my world got turned upside down, with the sudden death of both my parents in a car wreck. My boyfriend was the first person I called when I found out, and he came straight over to collect me from my dorm, until I went home the following week after the summer semester had ended. I found out a lot of things after their funerals… lots of debts, childhood home had only recently been part owned by an equity company… which is why it had to be sold. Since then, when going home during College vacations, I either had to stay at my Uncles or my Grandparents, which isn't always the best. Whilst completing my bachelors and masters degrees, my boyfriends parents have very kindly let me stay with them, which I have been very grateful for. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We graduated from College together, then whilst he pursued a career, I pursued a masters degree, and now that has come to an end, I'm a little unsure of what to do next, even though I absolutely adore him and love him to bits. I really couldn't imagine my life without him now. My boyfriend has always lived at home, is an only child, and has always been close to his parents. It's why he decided to choose a college that was close to home, so he didn't have the extra expense of college accommodation, and now that he has a job the rent they charge is obviously cheaper than if he was to find his own place. However, that's the problem… I find it really difficult to understand why he isn't more willing to leave his childhood home at 27 years old. I know it's cheaper, nice to have their company, have someone else to cook dinners… but it's always been a little strange to me, as he's such a confident, outgoing person, why he wouldn't want to move out at 27, especially as we have been a couple for so long. The thing is, after speaking to him, he doesn't have any desire to move out for a few years yet, hasn't even started saving for a house, and is far more bothered about buying a new car and going on holidays with his money than doing anything for his future. When I was younger, I absolutely hated leaving my parents and siblings as I was really close to them. To the point where I'd never go on any trips with school (unlike my boyfriend who would go on any trip going!). I was always a home girl, who loved my home comforts, my weekly routines, and my hometown. It was only when I was looking at different colleges, that I decided I wanted to explore new places and states that I hadn't been to before. Eventually, I chose a college that was out of my state and 4 hours away from home. I cried my eyes out on the day that I left, felt homesick, and cried whenever my parents visited and left me… which obviously dramatically changed after their deaths, as I got used to college life and living with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have had 'the talk' about our future before. I have asked him why he doesn't want to move out, and he states that he likes living with his parents, he'd miss them, and the expense of having your own place. All of which I can understand… but sometimes I wonder if he is influenced by his parents too, with being so close to them, I'm not sure if they want him to move out either. It was even suggested a few years back that they could build an extension so we could live there… which I found weird. Anyway, when asking him how he would know he would feel that way, as he's never moved out before so he wouldn't necessarily know what its like… he starts getting defensive about it all and his feelings… and that he'll move out when he's ready. I've told him that I had to move away when I was 18, and that everyone does at some point… but he usually comes back irritated, just saying "You had a choice - you chose a college that far away". When it does come to moving out, he's already stated that he doesn't want to live too far away from his parents, perhaps an hour away at the most, as he still wants to visit them, and states how convenient they'll be for when we have kids and need them babysitting… which isn't exactly how I'd imagined it… The majority of people I know at his age have either bought their own house or are renting with friends or partners… thats why it seems alien to me, and perhaps because I've moved out too.This is in contrast to me… I'd absolutely love to have my own place, and I already can't wait to start buying things for when I do become a homeowner (a few years off yet, I know!). I don't know why, but I just feel a little 'fed up', after constantly moving around throughout the past five years (whether it was at my Boyfriends, Uncles or Grandparents), and having my stuff at three different houses. I'd just love to have one home where I've got all my stuff.The problem is, now that I've come to the end of my College degrees, and that I'm finally looking for my first graduate job… I really can't decide where I want to live, as there isn't much difference in job opportunities. I've got my boyfriends house, where I have the majority of my stuff, my boyfriend who I love to bits, and I have a good relationship with his parents (even if sometimes they do drive me a little crazy). However, I don''t have any friends here, as they all moved back home at the end of College (which does get lonely sometimes, especially if my boyfriend is going out with his friends or gigging with bandmates), and I don't really like the area where they live. In contrast, I love my hometown and all my friends and family are there - I always get a little sad when I leave to go back to my boyfriends! However, I'd miss my boyfriend if I lived there, the living situation wouldn't be ideal and I'm also wondering if I'd miss the routine… as at my boyfriends we go out a few times during the week and do different things, whereas if I lived at home it would be working 9 - 5, evening at home, and a usual weekend routine… other than meeting up with friends a few times a month… so I'm wondering if that would feel a little boring to me. Another option is renting a place at home / in a nearby city to my hometown… but renting isn't very cheap at either place… which is where staying with family would be better in order to save for a house due to it being cheaper… but at the same time I'd love my own place too… but would I get a little lonely?! Sometimes I just think, if my parents were still here, things would be so much easier and I could go back to my childhood home and do what many of my friends have done - gone back home, got a job and started to save! Obviously, if I did move back home, my boyfriend and I would regularly visit one another - a little like my friends do at the minute with their partners.Obviously, getting a job is permanent, so I want to ensure my decision is the correct one.. as I'd hate to regret it further down the line. I'm just wondering if living at my boyfriends would be too permanent in comparison to living back in my hometown (even if the living situation at home isn't always ideal)… as throughout my college years I've always been flexible with going home, whereas when you have a job you don't have as much freedom.Problem is, my family / friends assume I'm coming home, and my boyfriend assumes I'm staying with him and his parents… and until I decide exactly what I'm doing, whether it's stay with my boyfriend, live at my Uncles or Grandparents, or have a fresh start in a new city or in my hometown, I can't look for jobs either… which is starting to take its toll on my bank balance! Not only that, but I've also got to think about the future, and where I want to be. At the moment, I definitely cannot see myself buying a home around my boyfriends hometown (even though it's not for a few years yet)… just because I really don't like it… which will obviously cause us problems in the future if he doesn't want to live far away from his family. I'd definitely prefer to have a home nearer my hometown, a different state, or even if I'm lucky enough overseas. I just seem to be far more open to stuff like that in comparison to him. I have been trying to figure out a solution and what to do for a month or so now, but I really can't decide. There are pros and cons to each living situation… but I really don't know what to do. Not just for the job situation, but for my boyfriend and I's future too… Any advice and opinions would be much appreciated. Apologies for the length, and thanks for reading!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): First of all, I am sorry about you losing your parents.My suggestion is for you to move in where you will be most comfortable and relaxed. That sounds like moving in with your family, near your friends.The most striking thing about what you've said is that if your parents were still alive you would move back home. This shows that living 4 hours a way from your boyfriend is not a problem in the right circumstances.What I would do in your position is to apply to jobs in both places. You never know, the offers you get might help you decide one way or the other.I would also sit down and reflect about how you feel about your relationship. You sound like you are with him out of obligation because he has been there for you and his parents have been nice to you. It sounds like you are no longer at the same stage in your lives. He is thinking about holidays, you are thinking about houses. He does not want to leave his parents' home, you hate his hometown and are considering moving overseas. You say renting is expensive in both places, have you considered getting a roommate? Rent shared between two people is manageable if you are working.
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I agree with the anonymous male reader. Start with the job search first. Focus on a job that would bring you great enjoyment, satisfaction and money ANYWHERE. Then you can tackle your relationship. There are options which both of you should discuss:
1. Long distance relationship?
2. Break up?
3. You both make the move to where the job is?
With the economy the way it is, you may have to go further afield to find a good job.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2013):
 I fully agree with iAmHereToHelpYou. Your student life is over. I'm really sorry about your parents. I just lost my father as well, and I know that your boyfriend is your link to your past.
He's had it nice -- not having to forge his own way in the world because of the security his parents give him. You had to grow up faster than most because you lost your security. You found out through it all that you *are* strong and can make it on your own. You're ready to live your dreams and fulfill your training and degree path.
It's time to say goodbye to him and wish him well. You know that if you stay now and accommodate his lack of ambition in a town you don't like, you will wither away and resent him.
Before breaking up with him, start searching for opportunities, both in your hometown and other places. I have a feeling that when you do break up with him, you'll also be moving away as well. That's the best way -- to have a new life to go to rather than merely a breakup.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Hi,You sound very sensible and it's time you deserved some reward for working hard at your own life through such a difficult time.I think you should base your moving desicion on wherever you get a job that you are going to enjoy most. If you have an intersting job in a place you will also enjoy living in, the rest will fall in to place.Go for what the job and its location have to offer, if you like the job and where your living, all the rest will fall into place.Yes it will be lonely at first in a new place, but being aware of that will mean you will put the effort into meeting new people.Let your boyfriend decide if its you he wants or an appendage to the life he already has - sounds harsh, but as long as your getting on with your own life, doing what makes you happy - things will either work out or not.Very best luck
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