A
female
age
41-50,
*alynda19
writes:My Husband and I are trying to work thruough our problem and fix our marriage. He has stopped doing the one thing that made me distrust him and I am slowly starting to trust him again. Actually feel like I trust him 50% more than I did 2 months ago which I think is a great step forward. Here's my problem I feel so disconnected from him cause of all that has happen over the last year or so and I don't know how to reconnect. I am feeling extremely alone and feel like he is shutting me out. We will spend the evening watching a movie with the kids but then when it's time for just him and I he's tired climbs into bed and rolls over to go to sleep.Is this me just being over sensitive or is he not interested in being alone with me. He asked me the other night to take the dog for a walk with him I thought oh how nice. Then the entire walk he was texting. I would start to talk and we would hear beep beep. I am just so lost and lonely and not sure if i am over reacting or not? What do you do to try and reconnect with your spouse after termoil has made it's way into your lives?
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female
reader, kalynda19 +, writes (14 February 2011):
kalynda19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. I did tell him how I felt and pointed out the texting while we were on our walk. He appologized. He made an effort to try a little harder over the weekend. He said he knew I was feeling distant but didn't really understand what that meant. We planned a weekend trip for just the two of us in April. In the mean time we increased our counseling sessions to two a week for a little while so he can understand more of how i feel and what's going on with me between us.
A
female
reader, friend for life  +, writes (12 February 2011):
 this might sound a little strange but have you been on a date with each other lately,sometimes every day commitments and routine get the better of us and we forget to enjoy life,it sounds to me like he wants to try,why not get a babysiter to watch the kids,turn off all phones and go out like you would of when you first met.see what happens from there.good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2011): I'm not sure about what is was that he was doing that made you mistrust him, but from what you say...........he's showing common signs of having someone else on the side. This might not be the case, however, if I was you, I would be investigating the whole situation a little further.
The best form of sorting anything out, is communication between the both of you. Sit down with him and tell him that it's extremely important what you want to talk to him about. Tell him that you feel disconnected and that you're not happy about that and you want to do all you can to rectify it and get the marriage rolling again. Tell him that one thing that has been bugging you is that has been rolling over in bed and not interested in engaging with you. Then hit him with the big one. "When we took the dog for a walk the other night, who was it that kept texting you the whole time? Why were they texting you?" Be confident in asking, because you DO have the right to ask. He is the one that has done something wrong to make you distrust him and now it's him that needs to try and earn your trust again. It's not you that has done anything wrong. If he brushes it off as 'just a mate from work', ask him why he thought it was more important than engaging with you in the together time you were trying to share? By his reaction when you ask him as many questions as you can about the phone call and what they were speaking about and why, you might be able to tell if he's telling lies or not. It just that men are usually still willing to engage in sex no matter how complex their marriage is at the time.
He might be avoiding one on one contact with you because he is afraid of you asking him questions or confronting him about 'a particular issue'. In this case, there's something that he's hiding from you, for whatever reason. Don't focus all of your energy into this negative space all of your time. Make sure that you move forward with your own identity as a person. Make sure you uphold your own interests, job and continue making social contacts with your friends. If your partner feels like he's being your one and only focus and you have nothing to offer him, it will be a real turn off. He will fee suffocated and surrounded by negativity and pressure day in day out and it will not end good. Provide a challenge for him. Make him want to win you over. Win your attention. Win your affection. It's only human nature to want something you can't have. Start concentrating on achieving a goal for yourself and not always being there to cater to his every whim. This makes it more exciting for him. Then when you do spend the time together, make it interesting. You will naturally be interesting because you have OTHER interests because you no longer just cater to his every whim and focus on him. Then it turns into a cycle. He craves for time with you cos it doesn't happen when he just clicks his fingers but when it DOES happen, it's great. Communicate as much as possible with him about even the smallest of issues from day to day. Engage in his life interests and inform him of your lifes interests. And next time your going for a walk together and the phone keeps beeping and he keeps texting, grab the phone and look at the texts. Put it in your pocket and just simply tell him. "Don't be so disrespectful or you can go for a walk on your own." Just remember, if you let them treat you like an idiot..........you ARE an idiot. Portray more self worth and that's how people will treat you. Good luck with it all. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (11 February 2011):
 My suggestion is to write him a letter - email him. Take some time to compose your thoughts. He needs to know that the relationship lacks intimacy. That you feel distant from him and that his behavoir is not helping matters.
Trusting 50% is not a great percentage and he is not doing much to improve that. Who is he texting? When you are together he should be fully present, not distracted and texting someone else. I would understand the texts if it were an emergency, but constant texting?
The message he is sending you, by rolling over and ignoring you, is that he doesn't care much about what you are feeling. There is a basic lack of consideration. It is hard to work on a marriage when you are the only one doing the work.
I do not know what he did to betray your trust, but he is not doing much to get it back. These are the things you need to express to him. You have a right to say them and he has a responsibility to listen.
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