A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having trouble forgiving my sexual past and its eating me up inside. I have slept with 12 guys - only 6 of them were relationships - out of the others I was completely drunk and/or believed that we would end up having a relationship. All these relationships/encounters were all at different times, I have never cheated on any of them.In the past 8 years I have only been involved with a 3 guys (all relationships) and I know at the time (I was about 18/19 when I was getting mixed up in most of this) I had really low self esteem, I just wanted people to like me.I no longer see any of the people from my past (just 2 ex boyfriends, but not very often and if I had to choose to see any of them, it would probably be those two - I regret them the least). I have even cut my ties with 'friends' I had at that time.I am no in a relationship (my longest one) with a fantastic man who I love very much and am engaged to. He makes me so happy but sometimes I let the thought 'how can I possibly be this happy after all the mistakes and bad choices I made'.We have never discussed our sexual pasts (and I hope we don't) but he knows I have had bad relationships were I felt used and naive.I understand that I am the one letting this all affect my life, I am the one thinking about it even though I try so hard not to. I wish I could be one of those people who can just realise "the past is exactly that, something we can't changed and something that made us who we are today. No point thinking or worrying about it, whats done is done. That is no longer you - you are a different person, you respect yourself more" - I just find it really difficult.All I want to be is a good person, a loving fiancee and a happy person.
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drunk, engaged, fiance, self esteem, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, helpjayne +, writes (19 November 2008):
 i've made the same bad mistakes. and had them so called friends that use you and you think whynot at the time because you just want some attention and someone to be there at the end of the day. but it's good you know that them people aint sticking round and you met someone fantastic as you say. we can all say that we have disrespected ourselves, but thats just part of growing up i see it. i mean if your man asks about your sexual past just say you'd rather not discuss it and it was a bit of a confusing time then. don't feel bad about yourself learn to love yourself because now you've changed so let your mistakes lie in the past you deserve to be treated right and you deserve happyness and don't ever let yourself think you don't otherwise all them mistakes will be future ones. you have someone who makes you happy and now i bet your a really good person.
i hope i could help in any way
x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): I had very low self esteem when I was younger too and would sleep with anything willing it made me feel wanted at the time but I would find myself feeling very empty afterwards as it wouldn't lead to anything.
I was single for about five years after that and would often shy away from relationships beyond friendship, I associated sex with that empty feeling and it scared me away but I finally relented when I met my current girlfriend just fitted perfectly sometimes I would still get that empty feeling but I just try to forget about it and think about how lucky I am now.
I cant say that you would feel the same and I cant say it’s the same I cant claim to know what its like to be you and everyone feels differently about different situations but I think that when you start to remember those past mistakes you should just talk it out talking helps a lot for me, it doesn’t have to be your fiancée but could be anyone you trust.
I don’t know if this will help you feel better but it’s worth a shot right?
And I know you said you find it hard to do but try to remember everyone deserves happiness and I hope you can stay happy and find a way to forget the past.
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A
female
reader, smiles12 +, writes (19 November 2008):
You have answered this question yourself girl! You need to listen to what you said yourself in the last paragraph... the past is the past and it's made you the stronger and better person for it. You deserve to be happy.
Everyone has a past and that's where it needs to be left. Look at me for instance, I got married very young and very quick into a relationship. I am now currently waiting for my divorce to come through, the marriage lasted one year and one week - it was a HUGE mistake! When we first broke up I thought no-one would want to be with me again because I saw myself as 'Second Hand Goods' it bothered me for ages and I punished myself for being so dumb and doing it in the first place. Now I realise how much I have learned from the whole experience and that I'm a much stronger and determined person who has learned alot from her mistakes. You can do the same, you only get one chance at life and letting the past alter the future is not the best way to make the most of it!
You are happy and in love - that's all that matters, enjoy it!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): Hi
Many of us just want life this simple, but life is life and it involves learning experiences. You obviously have a good understanding that it is down to you to change how you feel. There is not really a bench mark on how many sexual partners are good or bad for us. You just realise now that that is not what you want to do...and so that is good , but do you only know that because of your past? LEARNING is it not? let your past go and see it for what it was exploration and living. Choose to be happy and respect your past aswell because at the end of the day the sexual partners you were with were probably on a similar journey of exploration. Be ashamed of nothing and CHOOSE to be happy and stop judging yourself harshly, we have enough of this outside.
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A
male
reader, Daewood  +, writes (19 November 2008):
 You hv to forget it and move on with your life. We all make mistakes but it lies in our ability to forgive ourselves. If your new bf loves you truly, move on but take correction(dont hv sex unnecessarily).
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