A
male
age
36-40,
*exAddo
writes:There is a major problem with my relationship. My partner thinks sex is repulsive. We have not engaged in any physical acts other that kissing and such but nothing sexual in nature. She was brought up very conservatively and strictly on the nature of sex by her mother so I would have to assume this is the reason she finds sex repulsive. She also has a negative body image which must contribute to some part. I on the other hand have no problem with sex and am very comfortable with everything related to it. This is why its a problem since I feel a very deep rejection when sex or anything related to it comes up in conversation. I hope she wants to make some progess in this area.My question is what can I do to help her with this? If something does not change I fear it will drive us apart.Suggestions please??
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female
reader, ablack +, writes (26 October 2009):
You cant because it is repulsive. it is a job. i am 39 yrs old. and i just found out that i am asexual, and proud! maybe she is too. why peoPle do this is beyond me. it even smells bad and that cant be good. ive been married and i hated to even go to bed at night. we are divorced now of course but it was a terrible ordeal. thank goodness ?i can live life now with out doing this repulsive act. no i was not abused!
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (19 January 2008):
Your great-grandmother was probably taught that sex should be done in the dark, as quickly and quietly as possible, and once - per child. Even in her day I doubt that most women actually believed that. I agree this will definitely be a problem between you and your G/F.
Is your G/F bothered by your own sexual history and attitudes? She may be reacting (OK, over-reacting) to a fear that you will "take advantage of her" or "force yourself upon her" or "only want her for one thing". If that's the case it's primarily a matter of building trust based on sincerity and honesty. This will take time, many months or even years as you share time and experiences together, but is fairly straightforward. You may need to examine some of your own actions and attitudes, and align your values more with hers.
Does she truly find the thought of sex repulsive, or has she simply been strongly conditioned to avoid it (perhaps, until marriage)? If it's truly repulsive there's probably more involved than you can handle on your own. She will first have to admit - at least mentally - that this is irrational and look for ways (books, therapy, counseling) to change that idea.
This attitude is sometimes associated with certain religious groups and traditions. In fact, I'm not aware of any Christian or Jewish denominations that actually teach the position you describe. Some have rather strict proscriptions about the circumstances and reasons that one may engage in sex but I don't know any that state sex is repulsive. If her attitude is a byproduct of one of these groups a trusted clergyman may be able to help. (You should listen, and ask questions, too. It will be important for you to know exactly what they teach, and why. Don't argue or attack their position but understand what it is and how it might have contributed to your G/F's attitude.)
If this is something deliberately instilled by her mother, your G/F may not change until she is emotionally separated from her mother - which might not occur until she's in her mid 20's.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 I agree with the other posters that say to be extremely patient with her. If you are, and you show her that you are constant in your affection towards her, I suspect eventually that with a bit of encouragement, Mother nature in the shape of hormones and the desire to procreate, will take care of her lack of sex drive all in good time. Like they said, be patient and go slow, no nagging. It will develop.
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A
female
reader, Reebe  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 Firstly don't take this personally I'm sure she fancies you she just finds it hard to let go. Try not to feel neglected.
Try to build up her self esteem give her lots of little kisses and hugs with out it going any further, tell she looks beautiful or you like her legs in a certain skirt, you know just little things that will slowly build up her confidence.
The more difficult thing is her up bringing, maybe you could try and talk to her ask her why she thinks it's repulsive, reasure her that your not just using her for sex and you have no intentions of hurting her, you can take it as slow as she wants and if she says stop you'll stop.
It's going to take a long time and you'll have to take it step by step.
I hope this helps
Take Care
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 January 2008):
 She has many sexual inhibitions from her childhood. She can read up those sex info's in the many online sites which can dispel all those myths.You need to be very patient with her.
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