A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for about two years now, we are both 20 years old. As far as our relationship goes, things could not be better! We both genuinely love each other with our whole hearts. She frequently talks about how she wants to get married and how I'm the love of her life. I express the same compassionate love, we probably tell each other that we love each other 10 times a day! We go out to eat at wonderful restaurants, watch movies together under the blankets, go ice skating, and go to plays together every single week. I tell her that she's the best thing that has ever happened to me, because I really mean it!I really would do anything for her, because we feel that we make each other whole. (sorry if that sounds too sappy! but it's true)I explain this because the question I'm about to ask makes me feel guilty and bigoted:When we first started dating, things started slow, we had sex about two and a half months after dating, and it was wonderful! After that we had sex regularly: about 1-2 times a week. We tried new things on each other and had a blast! However, about 8 months ago, she has had a huge drop off in her sexual desire. We still have tender moments all the time... pretty much everywhere (kissing, hugging, holding hands): But now we only have sex about once a month.I know she loves me, but I feel hurt that she never wants to have sex anymore. She says that I'm the hottest guy she has ever dated (her other boyfriends were... not so good looking). She says she wants to have sex, she'll even rub "me" through my pants. But when the time comes, she always I'm sorry, I really want to... but I have a (tummyache, headache, etc.).I don't pressure her, I've even gone a month without even bringing it up.... let's just say that topic never came up at all that month. When I do bring it up she sounds eager, but when the time comes... she has a (tummyache, headache, etc.)I love her and she wants me to propose to her. But to be completely blunt, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. I genuinely love her for who she is as a person, but I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life (even through my 20's) with so little physical love (aka sex). Really.Please help. (And be as honest as possible) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): There is obviously a mismatch between your desire and hers at the moment. After the steamy early days of a relationship things, do settle down into a routine. You can only talk it through with her and as regular sex is natural with someone you love, it is fair for her to realise that, at the moment, you think there is a problem. She may not realise. But anyhow, anything that makes you feel you cannot committ further to a long term relationship needs to be discussed or you will end up uphappy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Yes, this sounds a bit mysterious. Everybody's different,ok, but only once a month is unusual for a young couple in love.
I can just throw around a few guesses:
1) Did something happen around 8 months ago ? Since you say that her lack of interest has a precise beginning date, can you link it to something going on in that period ? Family problems, work or school pressure, new responsibilities , a big fight with you or with some friend ? ... Could she have something on her mind that preoccupies her and saps her sexual energy ?
2) Unpleasant guess , but that happens too,occasionally. Maybe she does love you and you are the best partner for her,...but you don't do it for her sexually. Is she open and forward sexually, does she explicitely say what she wants and need in bed, or just sort of goes with the flow?. Some people have trouble saying clearly what they need to be fulfilled, so they don't.. and after a while get bored.
It was not like this at the beginning you say, but ( unpleasant guess 2 bis ) there are a lot of girls that want to secure their relationship and keep it going also
in lack of overwhelming passion, so at the beginning they 'll psych themselves up to muster some enthusiasm, or downright feign it. Once the relationship is solid and stabilized...they stop the effort.
3) Maybe she feels , at some level, that your relationship is too much about physical attraction and this is her way to re-balance it. I must say that from what you write you sound in fact as caring, romantic , tender etc.- but a horny guy is a horny guy and sends out horny vibes even if in a gentlemanly way, I don't know if this makes sense. Maybe she wants to be sure she is appreciated also,or more, for her conversation, intelligence, companionship ,wit etc. rather than for her sex appeal.
Anyway- we can guess till doomsday but they will always be guesses, have you tried asking her ? " Sweetheart, I have noticed that in the last 8 months your desire has decreased, is there anything that I can do to help ? is there something on your mind, - is there something I could do to make our sex life more enjoyable to you ? " or something like that.
Maybe you did already , but you don't mention it in your post,- so, in case you have just been silently accumulating doubt and frustration, -don't. Communication is essential for a good sex life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Hey man thanks for your post.
Yes, sex is a key ingredient to a healthy marriage. It sounds like she is withholding something from you due to the fact of the sensitivity of the issue at hand, sex, and she doesnt want to hurt your feelings or be honest. This isnt good as it encourages bad communication between you two and all you need to do is pull her aside outside the bedroom and ask her gently whats going on and what you can do to help her situation or whatever it is that is on her mind. Good luck.
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