A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I posted last September about my husband of 31 years having a text affair with a colleague, although they don't work at the same premises, he sees her at meetings. It is now 7 months since the first discovery and I found another batch in July the day before our anniversary although loads more must have been deleted. What hurt me was that he carried on after my first discovery which he put down to the fact I had been really horrible to him for the previous 2 years or so, not wanting sex etc. That I could accept to an extent but he then carried it on when we were back together and in love (the shock had jolted me out of my complacency). One text to her said he was feeling very randy at the thought of her in her lacey undies but she replied she felt guilty leading him on as they had done nothing yet. Thank god she wrote that or there's no way I'd have believed him. Trouble is we keep rowing when I have to ask questions which pop into my mind and he obviously wants to forget the whole thing (he has showed me recent bills and there is no contact although they have to email over work business and I know for a fact these are innocent). The other day I asked him how she used to reply when he said he was randy, I said 'Did she offer to come and give you a w*nk?'. He replied he couldn't remember!!!!!!!!!! and said it would have been ssomething like 'Have a cold shower'. I know he loves me to death and we've both been ill over it all but I can't forgive and forget. He and her will both be at the annual dinner in March which is for work colleagues only and the thought of it makes me ill. He said if anything was going on they would not have to wait for the dinner but the thought of her being there drives me mad. By the way, it was him who told her the texts must stop as they both knew it was only a game going nowhere, just to titilate their boring lives (she's married too and apparently loves her husband) and he said she agreed. However, one of the last batch of texts said she didn't mean to fall for him the way she had so I'm worried she is looking to woo him again but my main problem is the past and not being able to get out of my head the intimacy they had and the depth of content of their texts. I will drive him away if I carry on like this but how can I overcome the thoughts of how explicit they were with each other? Thanks for listening, an in love, scared, confused wife.
View related questions:
affair, anniversary, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): Shaashiie, thanks so much for your advice, it really helped. Do you mind me asking what your similar situation was and how you dealt with it?
A
female
reader, shaashiie  +, writes (30 January 2009):
 So according to tiger66 this is all your fault and you should have done all those things she listed all along and maybe your man wouldn't have strayed. Tiger66 is completely wrong. You're married and NOTHING you did warrants his behavior. It's wrong no matter what. What about men who marry women and then the women become paralyzed and can't have sex anymore, is it ok for them to have an affair because the woman can't dress up and turn her husband on? NO, it's til death do us part. Tiger, nice job, but you're just being completely detrimental and what you said was ridiculous and won't solve anything. If anything, it will make her husband think what he did wasn't really that bad because the only consequences were it made his wife have sex with him (probably reluctantly, since she feels so betrayed).
The only thing that is going to help you overcome how explicit these messages were is time. Maybe a little therapy, but time will heal the wounds. It might always hurt, but if you KNOW he is not doing it anymore and isn't going to do it again you have to trust him. When you think of these messages cuddle up to him and remind yourself that in the end he chose to stay with you. Of course what he did was wrong and that will never change, but in the end you're still the one he loves. I went through a similar situation and it happened 2 years ago and it still hurts sometimes to think about, but he doesn't even talk to her anymore and she is dead to him now, but guess what? He loves me more now than he did then and he'll love me more tomorrow.
Maybe this will bring you closer in the end. Tell him you're going to need time to get over this, and ask him to be there for you when you're feeling upset. It's the least he can do after what he's done behind your back. If he can't stand by you when you're upset, does he deserve you to stand by him after what he's done?
And about the dinner in March, I know it will be painful and I understand your apprehension, but you've got time to build more trust between then and now. It will obviously take longer than until March to heal your wounds but hopefully by then you and he will have made some progress and you will be feeling a little better. I know my advice hasn't been the absolute best, but I really wish you the best and I don't want you to be beating yourself up over this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2009): hey there, have been in a similar situation to you in a previous relationship. i'm not gonna be held responsible for anyhting that happens in your relationship as i am just giving you advice that worked for me. you need to start being a little spontaneous. try to be strong and dress up in sexy clothes every now and again but don't lead him on to sex, just tease him, do a little working out in secret so your body is extra sexy, go out and buy some sexy under wear or sexy shoes. know what turns him on. you have to let him know what he already has is exciting and amazing enough. and after a while when he's begging you for mercy blow his mind and make the most romantic pleasurable love you've ever made and take the lead every now and again. and if hes still txting this woman then you have to confront him and he needs to make a choice, it's either you or this other woman. after you pull this little stunt though i'm sure he'll choose you. good luck and hope this works out for you cuz it worked for me. the only reason i'm not in the relationship now is because i found another man
...............................
|
