A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my relationship with my girlfriend, i love her and dont want to split up or hurt her, but i am being a pig.I dont trust her, when she goes out with her friends, i dont like it and when she comes back i sulk and dont talk to her and be really off with her. It happens all the time i have no tolerance and wont back down after.Sometime I think it may be best to let her go, so she can find someone that can treat her right, but what am i going to do as i will be the same with someone else. we both feel that there is to much water gone under the bridge and when we make the peace there are things that we both cant forget that effects our relationship, is the relationship dead, how cant i over come my trust issues, can the relationship go on in the future with all the problems we gone through?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 November 2007):
 Before you start calling yourself a pig, can you answer the following question:
Has she done anything that violated your trust in the past?
Are her friends good people, or do you not trust her friends, and thus do not trust her in their company?
Do YOU hang out with your friends without her? If so, do you do anything that you would keep a secret from her?
Personally, I think that if her friends are most single, you should be concerned. It's the pouting and sulking that is the BIGGEST turn off, and what will drive her away.
That, and eliminate your own fear of abandonment, which I think is at the source of this.
I suggest that you get yourself some female friends to hang out with, and she if she gets just as jealous.
-Frank B Kermit
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (24 November 2007):
 This is very common and at least you realize the problem. You have to stop. You can not control another person for very long without the resentment toward you growing. You are basically accusing her of being a cheater and she's paying the price without having cheated.
I used to feel bothered if my wife went to places where other men were around. I mean social type places, places you'd go at night. She hardly ever went anywhere but when she did, it didn't sit well in my stomach until she got home. I know men would approach her and I just felt like a chump. THAT, was my issue and to put it on her would not have been wise.
Ask yourself why she should not go out. Would it be better if you forced her to stay home? How much fun would that evening be, you sitting there watching her be upset because all the women went out to celebrate a birthday? She couldn't go because you were afraid she'd go home with another man...imagine her telling her friends that.....Just imagine that conversation...
Hi Sally, it's Barb calling. We're going out tomorrow night to celebrate Mary's birthday. We're going out for dinner and then we're going to the night club. Are you coming?
Sally replies.....Oh no thank you. I'd love to go and that sounds like fun but my boyfriend is concerned I might have intercourse with another man while I'm out. I think I'll stay home and so he knows for sure I didn't have intercourse with a stranger...........
Do you see? The more she gives in to your demands, based on your fears, the more she empowers your silly ideas. You need a dose of a strong woman who won't put up with your crap. The more she gives in the more empowered you'll become. If she has any backbone, she'll leave. The more you pester her the more attractive other men will appear. That is because every time you pester her, you become less attractive. That is because you are less attractive.
How would you fell if every time you left work, your boss frisked you and demanded to know if you stole any paper clips. What if he made you take off your shoes to see if you had any money from the cash box hidden in there. What if he forgot to check one day and accuse you of theft the next day because you had a new shirt. You must have taken money from him because, well...just because.
I'm trying to use silly examples to open your eyes. People can not prove things that they didn't intend to do. How can your girlfriend prove she'll never cheat. She can't. How can she prove she didn't cheat last week? She can't. Can you prove you didn't cheat? No you can't. Based on your standards, you're a potential cheater too. What are you up to? What is your angle. You see, it goes on and on.
If you want a strong relationship, make yourself more attractive to your partner. Give her the freedom she deserves. I read this corny analysis before....Love is like a flower. If you pick the flower for only your pleasure, take it in the house and put it in a vase, it will never complete it's life cycle. If you leave it in the garden, as you should, it will have the chance to experience life and others will have the chance to admire it's beauty. It is sometimes hard to be that confident, it's the right way though. Life is bigger than you and her. Other men will try and get into her space. If you've created a space that she enjoys, you're safe.
It does not make you foolish or naive to give freedom and room for your partner to grow. That is what we are supposed to do. If your partner chooses to ruin that trust, they are the foolish one, not you. You did your part. There are never any guarantees in life, only ways to get better odds that your relationship will be healthy.
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A
male
reader, Dennis  +, writes (24 November 2007):
Man u r not a pig. U r just trusting your sixth sense (instinct).If u felt uncomfortable about her hanging out with her gals, its probably becoz she gave u a reason to feel that way. Just save yourselves the pain of dragging the breakup. the sooner you set her free, the better and more developmental u will feel. GOOD LUCK.
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